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JUSTEATREALFOOD's Photo JUSTEATREALFOOD Posts: 2,776
4/22/18 10:58 A

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"it isn't drama it's etiquette" Right. It's common courtesy. If you can't be bothered to send a note of thanks then don't have a party where you expect people to give you presents. It's lazy, rude and tacky as hell.

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The drama I speak of is the rules and etiquette surrounding formal occasions like weddings, showers etc. Worrying about and following all the 'rules' can be exhausting. Especially when everyone has different expectations. I don't give those kind of parties and politely decline invitations to attend them as well. Unless I am especially close to the person.

I have given thank you notes/small gifts to people who have gone out of their way to help me. I have also received a few cards of thanks over the years for coaching youth sports. They are nice. But just the kids saying thank you is really nice too.


Asked my husband about this and he strongly agrees with the OP. He believes people should send thank you notes to show appreciation. Ironically, in the 20 years we have been married he has never sent one. So I guess he really just believes in receiving them, lol!

JERF - Just Eat Real Food

I'm a Non-Practicing Certified Personal Trainer.

I'm not a doctor or dietitian. I'm just a real whole foods nutrition nerd.

I eat mostly vegetables, fats, meats, some fruit and dark chocolate. Unprocessed and preservative free food. And it's changed my life!

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41 years old
2 kids

Lowering my A1C and keeping my blood sugar levels steady eating LCHF.


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--MEOW--'s Photo --MEOW-- Posts: 4,914
4/22/18 10:37 A

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Writing thank you notes or giving little gifts to your doctors, hairstylist, friends, etc. Just to show them that you care seems like a nice thing to me...
I had a coworker who used to leave small chocolates with little "thank you for being my friend :D" notes on my desk every time I helped her with something and I loved it, it always made my day.

Buuuut... sending thank you notes because it's etiquette (like after baby showers or bday parties) seems a bit meaningless to me. I mean, what's the point of receiving a thank you note if you know that that same person wrote and sent 100 (probably) identical cards just out of obligation?
Now if for whatever reason the person receiving the gift didn't have the chance to say thank you in person, then I guess yes... a thank you note would be nice. I'd still prefer a phone call or a text message :P lol but that's only because cards really aren't a thing where I come from.

- Danny :)
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ETHELMERZ's Photo ETHELMERZ Posts: 23,192
4/22/18 9:18 A

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I keep Thank You notes in my office at home, if I receive a gift from someone other than a close family member, I write something on that note and mail it off. Yes, I keep stamps at home, and also write letters to friends, on purpose. Still have a pen pal, (remember those?) from 7th grade, 1958, we still write, even though we can email or message. I don’t mind an email thank you note.

Back when I was young, when you went to a shower, one person at the shower sat next to the person being honored as they opened the lovely gifts, and tabulated the gift and the name of the giver. so the honoree could know whom to send thank you notes to, it was the custom then. No one whined about it. No one acted “entitled “ then, compared to so many now..... Back then, people were “busy” too. Of course, there were always a few who were also thoughtless then. It’s just our society now, I suppose.

OLGA18's Photo OLGA18 SparkPoints: (23,912)
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4/22/18 6:55 A

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"it isn't drama it's etiquette" Right. It's common courtesy. If you can't be bothered to send a note of thanks then don't have a party where you expect people to give you presents. It's lazy, rude and tacky as hell.



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MANDIETERRIER1's Photo MANDIETERRIER1 Posts: 17,696
4/21/18 6:51 P

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Receiving an email would be fine, too. I can bend a little.

Especially if the person is out of state, with the whole online registry thing. An email is better in those situations since the thank you note could get lost in the mail.

No, I don't give gifts for the thank you note. I give gifts because it is my love language. It's something I really love to do.



MANDIETERRIER1's Photo MANDIETERRIER1 Posts: 17,696
4/21/18 6:45 P

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I guess I like etiquette because I am rather old fashioned. I also wish we could dress like we did in the 40's and 50's. Where men always wore suits and women always wore nice trousers, separates or dresses. Except the panty hose. The hose can stay in the 40's and 50's. Except during the winter.

At one time there were much more complex rules about stationary and calling cards. Back when calling on someone, meant going to visit them. Not when calling someone became talking on the telephone. That etiquette can go.

I love to do nice things for my doctors and their office staff, etc. I feel many people come in and are like, well it's your job. Plus servers at restaurants and my hair stylist who gets me. So I like to appreciate them. Having also worked in Customer Service.






URBANREDNEK Posts: 3,886
4/21/18 12:28 P

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Personally, I am more than happy to see the demise of expectation for such formalities as written thank you notes. Frankly, the cost in time and materials for mailed or delivered notes and cards (which will be put directly in to the garbage or recycling bin once read), seems to me to be incredibly wasteful.

That's not to say that gifts or favours shouldn't be acknowledged, but I would rather get a phone call or an in-person hug if they really are grateful, or a quick email stating "received" just to let me know that they got it, since it doesn't waste either time or materials.

I personally would rather not have any acknowledgement at all instead of a rote note that was sent out just because it is "etiquette". Those kinds of meaningless rules just irritate me, and I strongly feel that they need to disappear.

As for the notes written with true emotion - well, those are nice, but the wastefulness of them still kind of bothers me. I also have a hard time with folks who do the "I am so grateful that I gave YOU something back" thing - since that seems to me to really be a way of negating the original gift and the thought behind it (and it can even end up becoming almost an obligation / competition --- which is NEVER what I intend with an original gift or favour). There are a few folks who were like that --- really sweet people, but it got to the point where I was afraid to even offer them a cup of tea when they dropped by since that would inevitably turn in to them offering a 5-course gourmet meal in gratitude. Moving 1300km away from those people was more of a relief than you can imagine.

While a bit of basic courtesy does make existing in society easier, a lot of the more formal rules have become meaningless expectations and it is time for them to be re-evaluated and either changed to suit current society (such as using emails or texts instead of cards) or dropped altogether.

Oh - and as for showing gratitude to folks who perform paid services for you, that is a wonderful thing that obviously is done out of true emotion and not out of meaningless rules of etiquette. I'm a firm believer in doing that, too --- most often with a quick email to the person's boss with a copy to the person, so that there is a written commendation in their file. A "thank you" card can be nice, but shouldn't be considered to be a standard obligation.

Sir Terry Pratchett:

"Science is not about building a body of known 'facts'. It is a method for asking awkward questions and subjecting them to a reality-check, thus avoiding the human tendency to believe whatever makes us feel good."


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MANDIETERRIER1's Photo MANDIETERRIER1 Posts: 17,696
4/20/18 10:09 P

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I sincerely believe that gratitude begets gratitude.

So if you give me a gift or do me a good deed. I am going to write you a thank you note.

Depending on the good turn. I may even give you a box of cookies, fruit basket or something.



MANDIETERRIER1's Photo MANDIETERRIER1 Posts: 17,696
4/20/18 9:54 P

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It isn't drama. It is etiquette. That is quickly disappearing. No one is required to do anything, but a little gratitude goes a long way. If you give me a present. You are going to get a thank you note. Whether you like it or not. I am just wired that way.

It used to be done all the time. Just like writing letters and sending cards. It should be kept up and not allowed fall by the wayside.

I even write thank you notes to doctors, dentists and their office staff. Bring them goodies. Sure it is "their job." They like to be appreciated. They like for their patients to notice their hard work.

As I was stating. When you place an order online, through someone's wedding registry. If they don't send a thank you. You will never know if they received the gift. It is awkward to bring it up.











Edited by: MANDIETERRIER1 at: 4/20/2018 (22:04)

JUSTEATREALFOOD's Photo JUSTEATREALFOOD Posts: 2,776
4/20/18 8:36 P

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And it’s drama like this that makes me not enjoy those types of parties/celebrations so much so that I avoid them at all costs.

If I do something nice for someone I do it because I want to. Because I genuinely enjoy the person and because I want to do something nice for them. I don’t need or expect a thank you. I did it because I wanted to and I hope they take pleasure in the gift or favour I’ve done.

Just my 2 cents.

JERF - Just Eat Real Food

I'm a Non-Practicing Certified Personal Trainer.

I'm not a doctor or dietitian. I'm just a real whole foods nutrition nerd.

I eat mostly vegetables, fats, meats, some fruit and dark chocolate. Unprocessed and preservative free food. And it's changed my life!

5'4"
Maintaining since 2012
41 years old
2 kids

Lowering my A1C and keeping my blood sugar levels steady eating LCHF.


 current weight: 131.0 
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MANDIETERRIER1's Photo MANDIETERRIER1 Posts: 17,696
4/20/18 4:32 P

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It is generally done for bridal and baby showers. If you throw a birthday party. Or receive a gift. It is usually customary to write a note to say thank you.

Some people write a note. If someone goes out of the ordinary in doing a good deed.

I like to hear how much someone likes a gift, but written down. I think it takes more to write it than say it. It means more. At least to me. I can easily put words together and speak them. When I write them. I work harder to collect my thoughts and write just the right thing

They don't even have to mail it. They can give it to me, next time they see me.

I have sent gifts through someone's registry. Never received a thank you. So I don't know if they even received a gift.

Edited by: MANDIETERRIER1 at: 4/20/2018 (16:34)

--MEOW--'s Photo --MEOW-- Posts: 4,914
4/20/18 3:31 P

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I didn't know that was a thing... the "Thank you Notes". Is that only for baby showers? or is it like.... for every bday party, wedding, etc?


- Danny :)
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SHERYLDS's Photo SHERYLDS Posts: 17,750
4/20/18 3:08 P

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I'm neutral about thank you cards.
I prefer talking to the person and hearing about how much they liked it.
I don't save cards.

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OBIESMOM2's Photo OBIESMOM2 SparkPoints: (276,474)
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4/20/18 2:59 P

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I know some people think this is an outdated custom, but I agree with you, Mandie.
When someone invests the time and $ to buy you a gift for your shower the very least you can do is write a thank you note.

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MANDIETERRIER1's Photo MANDIETERRIER1 Posts: 17,696
4/20/18 1:54 P

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So there is this interesting discussion going on, on Twitter. About thank you notes.

A guest went to a baby shower. Before the guest of honor started opening presents. One of the guests mentioned. Let's give you the gift of not having to write thank you notes. The women in the room gasped. (I am not sure what the gasp meant)

My thoughts on the matter. The woman could have said, 'for herself' Don't worry about my thank you note. She was out of line to speak for everyone in the room.

So far the consensus is positive for doing away with thank you notes.

A new mom/ bride is busy. She has so much on her plate.

My thoughts on the matter. Yes, indeed a new mom is busy. A new bride is busy. So are the people who shopped for and purchased. Paid a fortune for wrapping paper and a card. (honestly some wrapping and cards cost as much as the gift) Took time out of their lives to attend your shower, wedding etc. I think a handwritten note to say thanks for the gift. Is the least someone could do.

What is your opinion on the matter?

I also have some other thoughts on the matter, but will keep them to myself for a while.



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