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  • jokes day 237

    10/21/2020 2:07:25 AM, by KITTYHAWK1949

    Computers can never completely replace humans. They may become capable of artificial intelligence, but they will never master real stupidity. A computer is perfectly reliable until the moment you switch it on. Have a good Hump Day! 593... Read more

  • jokes day 236

    10/20/2020 2:18:43 AM, by KITTYHAWK1949

    The secretary was leaving the office when she saw the CEO standing by a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very important document. Can you make this thing work?" The secretary turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "G... Read more

  • jokes day 235

    10/19/2020 2:40:07 AM, by KITTYHAWK1949

    The difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers is mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets. The optimist sees a glass that's half full. The pessimist sees a glass that's half empty. An engineer sees a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be. ... Read more

  • jokes day 234

    10/18/2020 2:55:25 AM, by KITTYHAWK1949

    Three people were going to the guillotine. The first was a lawyer, who was led to the platform, blindfolded, and had his head put on the block. The executioner pulled the lanyard, but nothing happened. To avoid a messy lawsuit, the authorities allowed the lawyer to go free. The next man to the ... Read more

  • jokes day 233

    10/17/2020 2:49:42 AM, by KITTYHAWK1949

    The mathematician, the physicist and the engineer were given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume. So the mathematician measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral. The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water and measured the total displacement. And the ... Read more

  • jokes day 232

    10/16/2020 3:35:04 AM, by KITTYHAWK1949

    The lawyer is painting his house, and a hobo comes around and asks if he can do something to earn a few dollars. The lawyer says, "Sure, take a can of this paint and go around to the back of the house and paint my porch." The hobo does this and fifteen minutes later comes back and says he's fini... Read more

  • jokes day 231

    10/15/2020 5:29:38 PM, by KITTYHAWK1949

    A lawyer comes to visit his client on death row, and he says, "I have some good news for you." And the client says, "What good news are you talking about? You lost my case, I was convicted of a murder I did not commit, and I've been sentenced to die in the electric chair!" The lawyer says, "Yes, ... Read more

  • jokes day 230

    10/14/2020 2:03:44 AM, by KITTYHAWK1949

    The defendant knew he didn't have a prayer of beating the murder rap, so he bribed one of the jurors to find him guilty of manslaughter. The jury was out for days before they finally returned a verdict of manslaughter. Afterward the defendant asked, "How come it took you so long?" The juror said,... Read more

  • jokes day 229

    10/13/2020 2:23:44 AM, by KITTYHAWK1949

    Why is it unethical for lawyers to have sex with their clients? Because it'd mean being billed twice for essentially the same service. I dated a lawyer for a while, until one time she told me, "Stop and/or I'll slap your face." What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue. New week,... Read more

  • jokes day 228

    10/12/2020 2:06:11 PM, by KITTYHAWK1949

    "Are you a lawyer?" "Yes." "How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars for four questions." "Isn't that awfully expensive?" "Yes. What's your fourth question?" Big gain after week of over eating - no surprise. Went to bed a bit early but didn't seem to rest as good last night. Thi... Read more

  • jokes day 227

    10/11/2020 1:50:59 PM, by KITTYHAWK1949

    A New York man was forced to take a day off work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge only to hear that court would be adjourned,... Read more

  • jokes day 226

    10/10/2020 2:25:59 AM, by KITTYHAWK1949

    How was copper wire invented? Two lawyers were arguing over a penny. Ninety percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. Had a few things to do today and I only forgot a couple. One was I wanted to check if could get hair cut. Guess I'll try next week when it will be the only thing on ... Read more

  • jokes day 225

    10/9/2020 2:22:47 AM, by KITTYHAWK1949

    Two lawyers went into the restaurant and ordered two drinks. Then they got sandwiches out of their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter said, "Hey, you can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" So the lawyers traded sandwiches. Have a great Friday and weekend. 593... Read more

  • jokes day 224

    10/8/2020 2:38:29 AM, by KITTYHAWK1949

    Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented by both of you with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000." The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a... Read more

  • jokes day 223

    10/7/2020 2:21:03 AM, by KITTYHAWK1949

    Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim? Defendant: No, I did not. Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury? Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder! Have a great Hump Day! 593... Read more

  • jokes day 222

    10/6/2020 2:52:23 AM, by KITTYHAWK1949

    How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? Depends on how thin you slice them. This international law firm advertises for a secretary. A golden retriever comes in, and she passes the typing test. In the interview, the personnel manager says, "But how about foreign languages?" And the g... Read more

  • jokes day 221

    10/5/2020 2:29:07 AM, by KITTYHAWK1949

    The lawyer is cross-examining the doctor about whether he checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," he said, "I didn't check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" said the lawyer. "No, I did not," said the doctor. "So," said the lawyer, "when... Read more

  • jokes day 220

    10/4/2020 2:33:44 AM, by KITTYHAWK1949

    A young lawyer meets the devil at a bar association convention and the devil says, "Listen, if you give me your soul and the souls of everyone in your family, I'll make you a full partner in your firm." And the young lawyer says, "So...what's the catch?" 324 250 4 42 593... Read more

  • jokes day 219

    10/3/2020 2:50:13 AM, by KITTYHAWK1949

    A lawyer had just undergone surgery. As he came out of the anesthesia, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, Doctor?" "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure." Have a good weekend. 593... Read more

  • jokes day 218

    10/2/2020 4:10:29 AM, by KITTYHAWK1949

    Why does New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps and Washington, D. C. has so many lawyers? New Jersey got first choice. The judge said to his dentist: Pull my tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth. My older son called today. The first time he called I was in the bathroom... Read more

  • jokes day 217

    10/1/2020 2:47:24 AM, by KITTYHAWK1949

    What do you have when you've got six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand. A lawyer sent a note to a client: "Dear Jim: Thought I saw you on the street the other day. Crossed over to say hello, but it wasn't you, so I went back. One-tenth of an hour: $25." Happ... Read more

  • jokes day 216

    9/30/2020 2:19:20 AM, by KITTYHAWK1949

    A priest and a lawyer died and went to heaven on the same day, and St. Peter showed them both to their rooms. The lawyer's room was extremely large and lavish, but the priest's room was a little ten-by-ten cell with one window and a cot. The priest said, "St. Peter, I have spent my entire life ser... Read more

  • jokes day 215

    9/29/2020 3:07:40 AM, by KITTYHAWK1949

    The airliner was having trouble, so the cabin crew told the passengers to take their seats and prepare for an emergency landing, which they all did...except for a lawyer who went around passing out business cards. 244 I lost more than I expected! I lost more than I had gained the last two ... Read more

  • jokes day 214

    9/28/2020 2:04:11 AM, by KITTYHAWK1949

    What is the difference between a wood tick and a lawyer? A wood tick falls off you when you die. Why won't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy. My first husband loved lawyer jokes after he became one and I think his favorite was very similar to the last one except it was: why rat... Read more

  • jokes day 213

    9/27/2020 2:52:30 AM, by KITTYHAWK1949

    A county extension agent is visiting a farm and needs to use the toilet, but he remembers that there is no running water. So he runs around back to the outhouse, opens the door, and the hired man is sitting there. But the hired man says, "It's okay. Come on in, it's a two-holer." So the agent go... Read more

  • jokes day 212

    9/26/2020 2:59:04 AM, by KITTYHAWK1949

    Four big executives are playing golf together. On the second tee they hear a phone ring, and Michael Eisner reaches into his golf bag, pulls out a cellular phone, and talks to his office awhile. They play the second hole. On the third tee there's a little buzz. Warren Buffet puts one finger in... Read more

  • jokes day 211

    9/25/2020 3:19:59 AM, by KITTYHAWK1949

    The lieutenant is leading his troops into battle, and his sergeant says, "Sir, there's a whole platoon of enemy coming toward us." And the lieutenant says, "All right, sergeant, bring my red shirt." So the lieutenant puts on his red shirt, and the troops go into battle. They move forward against ... Read more

  • jokes day 210

    9/24/2020 2:50:47 AM, by KITTYHAWK1949

    My company put me up in a pretty low-class hotel. I called the front desk and said, "I've got a leak in my sink." They said, "Go ahead." Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients? They hid their own eggs. It stopped raining mid-morning. Still kind of cool ou... Read more

  • jokes day 209

    9/23/2020 2:19:50 AM, by KITTYHAWK1949

    This sailor met a pirate in a bar, and the sailor couldn't help but notice that the pirate was pretty badly the worse for wear. He had a peg leg, a hook, and an eyepatch. So the sailor asked the pirate how he got the peg leg, and the pirate answered, "Well, matey, I got washed overboard one night... Read more

  • jokes day 208

    9/22/2020 2:36:32 AM, by KITTYHAWK1949

    "Gladys, it's like a miracle. Every night when I get up and go to the bathroom, God turns the light on for me, and when I'm finished, he turns the light off." "Harry--you're doing it in the refrigerator again!" Why do you feel so sophisticated when you're in the bathroom? European. 1... Read more