MIMAWELIZABETH
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Back to Day One

Sunday, December 09, 2007

I'm fresh out of the shower - my first shower in five days. I've spent the last couple of hours working on Spark, catching up the written notes I've kept and straightening out my Spark trackers. I started looking at email notifications and posts too, but I know I have to write about what happened these last few days.
I hadn't been on Spark for three days, so there was a lot to catch up. Oh, I was doing well in the real world - really well as a matter of fact - for most of that time. Then circumstances came together and voila: BINGE.
I told myself to go on Spark... well, I told myself to do a lot of things, like take a shower, you have the car so leave the house and do your errands, or you're sweaty so exercise already. I couldn't seem to put one foot in front of the other. I told myself, go to Spark, share what is hurting you and get support.
Instead I ate. Then I stopped, made a food plan for the rest of the day that could incorporate what I'd eaten, and went to take a nap to recharge my batteries. It was the middle of the afternoon, but I slept for several hours.
When I got up late in the evening, all the same arguments were swirling through my head, pounding me down again; I took the same path and binged again, and again, and again.
I decided to give up and not record my food and just let go, and I ate more than I've eaten since I started Spark. I knew the "should"s and the "should have"s, but I just wanted to give up trying and let go of hanging on to the end of my rope...
I stopped again, before I was "full" actually, and went back to bed. When I woke up in the morning, I knew I had to face what I'd done; but more than that, WHAT I FELT.
That was the big elephant in the room, no pun intended: what I was feeling had to be faced before the cycle would truly be broken.
First of all, my sleep schedule was all turned around and sporadic; while a regular sleep pattern is essential for everyone, it's especially important for me to stay on a regular schedule because of my physical issues.
Second, I was working hard, eating well, physically active, accomplishing goals - I know that sounds like a good thing, but it became more and more stressful to do, do, do. Even though I took a day to rest and catch up on Spark a few days ago, the pressure I put on myself to continue the pace was daunting.
Third, those circumstances I mentioned... I wasn't "mad" per se, but it was emotionally upsetting. Even though I spoke up for myself, and we reached a compromise, the situation was still frustrating. I've been trying to figure out a way to explain it in abstract, but I can't, so I'll fill in details.
My stepdaughter needed a fill-in sitter for Thursday. It was assumed I couldn't take care of our grandbaby by myself for the day. I know that my husband (Grandpa) is usually here when Kaile visits each day, but she usually spends her time playing with ME.
I was needed for the early morning drop-off, but my husband told me I needed to take Kaile over to my mother-in-law's (Great-Grandma), who usually babysits her on Tuesdays, when she returned from her doctor's appointment about 10 am. Shall I mention that she is 79 and her husband is 87...?
I insisted I should be allowed to keep Kaile for the morning at least, and it took some arguing with my husband, but he finally agreed. I talked to my stepdaughter, and she didn't have any problem with it. I called my mother-in-law and told her what I'd like to do; she didn't like it but she agreed as well. By the way, Kaile and I had a blast together... and it was over far too quickly.
Once I dropped her off, I was ready to stop at the food store and do some other errands since I was already out. I had planned those activities go help me deal with my simmering anger; unfortunately, I had left my wallet at my friend's house that morning when Kaile and I were visiting.
That seemed to be the final "blow." Even though there were a few things I could have done without a wallet (if I had gone home first), once I was home I was immobile. Angry. Frustrated. SAD. Fed up. Mad. Mostly SAD SAD SAD.
SO - I've been working on this blog for the past two days, and I think I'm ready to post. The past two days have gone very well food-wise, and taking a shower really helped. My daughter and son-in-law came to visit today, which was really nice.
I guess this is actually Day Two. I'm grateful for Spark and all my teams and teammates, who I've been thinking of during this difficult time. Without knowing all of you are there to care about and support me, I wouldn't have been able to "come back" this quickly. Thanks.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • DOITFORME4
    Elizabeth, been, done that, and worse. Isn't it wonderful though that with Spark we are getting so much better at handling these horrible times and most importantly, we don't quit like we used to. May I just suggest though that if you're that low, just come to spark to read articles and posts. Don't post untill you're ready. Bu7t I have found, reading the posts and articles helps me not descend as far as I well know I can. There were even a couple of times where compassion for someone else had me type a short reply even while tears were pouring down my face. (And it does do us good to be lifted out of our own misery a little by recognising someone elses suffereing. (If nothing else we needn't feel so alone in our suffering) I'm so glad you're coming out of it.

    As far as the pressure to keep up with it :- that ppressure really isn't from spark, it's from your own expectations. It's good to push ourself for healthier goals. Not so good that we push ourselves into a stressed, tired, resentful state, totally ready to break-down. If what you planned for the week is today not going to help make you healthier, but truly push you to breaking point or even way outside your comfort zone --- then either reassess your goals or take a break from them while that state exists.Goals and ways to achieve them need constant reassessment, are they practical, realistic, achievable, have things changed since you set them in a way that impacts their achievability. We don't let ourselves off with easy excuses (Hey, I'm a world champ at that one) but we definitely don't keep going regardless despite circumstances changing. An athlet might sign up for a triathalon. On the day if he breaks his leg, he has to assess if he should still pursue his goal. (He's an idiot if he tries to get out there on crutches just cause that was the plan.) I'm not hasving a go; It's because I am so much like you I can see it. Remember, we're so much kinder to other people than we are to ourselves. Give yourself permission to be a little kind. You've provefd you can make amazing progress. Just do it a little slower huh?


    In the Meantime - WELCOME BACK

    Karen
    3848 days ago
  • MEDIAMAVEN
    Darlin', we ALL have days when it all seems to be too daggone much. The fact that you recognize it, and have shared it with the Spark Krewe, means that you're taking ownership of your progress. Two steps up and one step back still gets you going in the right direction. As does Lao Tzu's "journey of 1000 miles begins with a single footstep".

    Given your circs (PTSD and physical disablity), you likely default to blaming yourself for off days. Taking ownership doesn't mean you have to beat yourself up over off days - it means you recognize that the path to success means moving on from off days. Consistently doing that reduces off days considerably. Trust me on that one -
    3848 days ago
  • MANYPOUNDSTOGO
    Everyone has bad times. You need to look forward so you can reach your goal. I am glad to see that you are taking care of yourself again. I missed you and was worried you had gotten depressed on us.

    This time of year is so easy to binge. Take it one day at a time and take baby steps. I am here for you.
    3849 days ago
  • MGUTNICK
    Hi Mima, now that you're back on track stop beating yourself up. I always told my children "not to regret their mistakes, but to learn from them". Binging didn't make you a bad person, it just means that you went through a time of frustration and weakness due to things going on in your life. Today's a new, bright, shiny new day.
    Marcia
    3849 days ago
  • SARAHTAIT
    I can totally relate to how you felt going off the program. I have not been doing too well myself lately and can't seem to gain the momentum that I had to lose all the weight I have lost. It's like there is "an elephant in my room" all the time and I can't get rid of him. I am so glad you are back on track. YOu have motivated me to do the same. I am going to throw away the rest of the box of chocolates that have been ruining my eating plan right now!!!
    3850 days ago
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