Back to Day One
Sunday, December 09, 2007
I'm fresh out of the shower - my first shower in five days. I've spent the last couple of hours working on Spark, catching up the written notes I've kept and straightening out my Spark trackers. I started looking at email notifications and posts too, but I know I have to write about what happened these last few days.
I hadn't been on Spark for three days, so there was a lot to catch up. Oh, I was doing well in the real world - really well as a matter of fact - for most of that time. Then circumstances came together and voila: BINGE.
I told myself to go on Spark... well, I told myself to do a lot of things, like take a shower, you have the car so leave the house and do your errands, or you're sweaty so exercise already. I couldn't seem to put one foot in front of the other. I told myself, go to Spark, share what is hurting you and get support.
Instead I ate. Then I stopped, made a food plan for the rest of the day that could incorporate what I'd eaten, and went to take a nap to recharge my batteries. It was the middle of the afternoon, but I slept for several hours.
When I got up late in the evening, all the same arguments were swirling through my head, pounding me down again; I took the same path and binged again, and again, and again.
I decided to give up and not record my food and just let go, and I ate more than I've eaten since I started Spark. I knew the "should"s and the "should have"s, but I just wanted to give up trying and let go of hanging on to the end of my rope...
I stopped again, before I was "full" actually, and went back to bed. When I woke up in the morning, I knew I had to face what I'd done; but more than that, WHAT I FELT.
That was the big elephant in the room, no pun intended: what I was feeling had to be faced before the cycle would truly be broken.
First of all, my sleep schedule was all turned around and sporadic; while a regular sleep pattern is essential for everyone, it's especially important for me to stay on a regular schedule because of my physical issues.
Second, I was working hard, eating well, physically active, accomplishing goals - I know that sounds like a good thing, but it became more and more stressful to do, do, do. Even though I took a day to rest and catch up on Spark a few days ago, the pressure I put on myself to continue the pace was daunting.
Third, those circumstances I mentioned... I wasn't "mad" per se, but it was emotionally upsetting. Even though I spoke up for myself, and we reached a compromise, the situation was still frustrating. I've been trying to figure out a way to explain it in abstract, but I can't, so I'll fill in details.
My stepdaughter needed a fill-in sitter for Thursday. It was assumed I couldn't take care of our grandbaby by myself for the day. I know that my husband (Grandpa) is usually here when Kaile visits each day, but she usually spends her time playing with ME.
I was needed for the early morning drop-off, but my husband told me I needed to take Kaile over to my mother-in-law's (Great-Grandma), who usually babysits her on Tuesdays, when she returned from her doctor's appointment about 10 am. Shall I mention that she is 79 and her husband is 87...?
I insisted I should be allowed to keep Kaile for the morning at least, and it took some arguing with my husband, but he finally agreed. I talked to my stepdaughter, and she didn't have any problem with it. I called my mother-in-law and told her what I'd like to do; she didn't like it but she agreed as well. By the way, Kaile and I had a blast together... and it was over far too quickly.
Once I dropped her off, I was ready to stop at the food store and do some other errands since I was already out. I had planned those activities go help me deal with my simmering anger; unfortunately, I had left my wallet at my friend's house that morning when Kaile and I were visiting.
That seemed to be the final "blow." Even though there were a few things I could have done without a wallet (if I had gone home first), once I was home I was immobile. Angry. Frustrated. SAD. Fed up. Mad. Mostly SAD SAD SAD.
SO - I've been working on this blog for the past two days, and I think I'm ready to post. The past two days have gone very well food-wise, and taking a shower really helped. My daughter and son-in-law came to visit today, which was really nice.
I guess this is actually Day Two. I'm grateful for Spark and all my teams and teammates, who I've been thinking of during this difficult time. Without knowing all of you are there to care about and support me, I wouldn't have been able to "come back" this quickly. Thanks.