Saturday, November 24, 2007
I haven't been on here in a long time. Time for myself fell along the wayside somewhere in the frantic shuffle of kids with broken legs, relational problems with the spouse, doctors appointments...I have taken other steps to do things that would bless me. I have a few major obstacles I would like to re-decide at this moment. Eating when I am not hungry and eating when i am angry. Maybe even eating when I am wanting to feel normal. I don't even know when eating became the thermometer for that. I eat to try to feel better...it never works. I have been feeling tired and confused lately. Not sure how to approach the diet aspect. My motivation to cut calories is zip. And eating healthy isn't very appealing. I am battling frustration with myself over all the time I lose saying I wil do it tomorrow. As well as feeling like if I applied myself I could have allready been at my goal. to me it feels like a source of shame. I feel like I need to prove to people that I can do this. Somehow there is power related to all of this. Why does it seem like if I could accomplish this then it would give me power over people that are hurtful and rude and mean. Like somehow losing the weight would make me less vunerable less likely to agree with the judgements I feel coming from them. Not so much that I am fat, although my own mother did say she noticed I was getting a spread...which is just hurtful and rude and I really felt like she was glad about it. I could hear in her voice that she was almost happy , like if I am overweight it somehow makes it okay that she is. I find the most hurtful thing to be that my family members seem to rejoice in my apparent lack of success in this area. Everyone seems to be happy with my weight but me. Its like they need me to not be better than they are in any area. And as long as I am not everyone is okay. But I am not okay...I feel like co-dependancy is holding me back. My need to have everyone else be okay and not feel bad....I have done it my whole life. I don't think I have ever had support over any of my success's..there is no support. It makes me so sad to look at this today. it's so hard not to agree with them, and judge myself harshly. I think today I will give myself permission to succeed in this area of weight and every other area I can think of even if no one else in the world is okay except me. I am so tired of letting myself down. I am tired of going passive and putting myself off for everyone else their needs their desires...letting myself go so other people don't have to feel bad because they have let themselves go. I feel like I have let go of the reigns because my family members and other people are not okay if they think I look better than them. The attacks and critical judgements are difficult to take. And then I have to release the anger towards myself because I have cooperated it, allowed it and here I am forty-one, my skin is no longer youthful, i see wrinkles and everything sags somewhere. no matter what I am aging and I have spent what I would consider my better years in an unhealthy unappreciative stance. Not accepting myself because no one else did. It has never been okay for me to look better be better, be successful ...every one seems to be threatened. Like if I change they will all lose their way of life. I have an expected spot of mediocrity in life. I just wish someone was on my side, but after writing this I think maybe I need to be on my side. I am the biggest culprit. I hold my own life back in so many areas, for what? What I call love? Protecting everyone else from feeling bad? When did I agree that it was okay for me to take all of the pain so they would not have to? It's all such a farce anyway ...it was all for nothing. I want to learn how to support myself to gain success and have it be okay. thats my goal .