Monday, October 29, 2007
Binge eating has been a problem for me as long as I can remember. I have memories of sneaking food from the kitchen as a middle-schooler. I'm not sure what the draw was, whether it was the food itself, the excitement of sneaking it, or what it was.
What I do know is, it wasn't a temporary problem. The food sneaking continued while I lived at home, and during college and beyond, with my increased freedom and independence, I started buying my own binge foods. It's embarrassing to recall all the crazy things I've eaten.
I never seemed to be able to control my eating; in fact, the more I tried to adhere to diets or limits, the stronger my desire to binge became. Even after I lost a lot of weight and my binge eating decreased considerably, it was still a problem that got worse when I tried to diet.
The past several months I've been active on SparkPeople. I've followed my usual pattern, being active for awhile and then dropping off. But for the past two full months, I've been pretty faithful in eating well and exercising.
And what's more, I have been keeping track of my binge eating by posting on a message board, dedicated to staying binge-free for two months. I never thought I'd make it; I figured I'd try, and fall, and try, and fall again just like normal. I thought I might see two weeks' success. Tops.
But today marks three weeks binge-free. Three weeks. That's just remarkable--I've never made it that long binge-free, while dieting. And what's more remarkable is the fact that I don't feel like I'm running a marathon--there have been a few challenging days, but it's been easier than I expected. I feel like I've somehow wandered into an alternate dimension where anything could happen. Each day gives me a little more confidence, and a little more apprehension that I might just wander out of this weird little dimension.
How much control over myself do I really have?