Same old song and dance

Sunday, September 30, 2007

If you are looking for some positive comments and inspiration DON'T READ MY BLOG!!!! I am such an IDIOT!!!! I have been struggling all summer going up and down up and down. My lowest at one point was 207 and my highest was 218 during a bad gain. Now I'm at 216 after another bad gain. My uncle came to town from Florida and wanted pie- I used it as the perfect excuse to have a little fun. Then I thought maybe I was back on track but still wasn't exercising. Then I went to the fair for 3 days and totally binged. I had fried dough, french fries, sausage, fudge, caramel corn, cotton candy, caramel apple, snow cones and I'm sure there is more that I have forgotten. I feel like a stuffed pig.

I HATE the relationship I have with food. It has let me down my entire life. It gets me all excited and I just LOVE IT AND LOTS OF IT and then BANG, I have to step on the scale. The feeling I have after a binge is one I never want again. Why oh why can I not get a handle on this? I need to do some serious soul searching and figure out what will help me get back on track.

Sorry; but I warned you it was glum!
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    Oh Patty...what can we do to help? Anything at all....we will do it! We want a smile back on that pretty face! This journey is rough as hell at times and so freakin unfair...especially when we see others eating anything they want and be skinny....BUT are they healthy...noooooooooo You cna beat this girlfriend!!! {{{{{HUGS}}}}
    4946 days ago
    I'll say it- I'm an idiot too. We made bad choices. I gained 21 pounds back to prove it. But we're strong- and we CAN pull our heads out of the sand and come back fighting harder than ever. I know I hate who I see in the mirror. and I hate not feeling like I can strip naked in front of the man I love. And it hurts him too. We just hit a bumpy road girl. It takes some of us longer to get back on track. Me being one of them. But we can do this. Play time is over. (that's what I've been telling myself) You have so many of us here who want to help. It's good you let these feelings out. It helps you put things in better perspective when you have your feelings down in black and white.
    You'll get back here fighting, all systems go, when your heart and mind are in sync. That took me nearly 4 months. God- was it really that long? 3 or 4 something like that. But when things remind us where we're heading- is when we wake up. At least that's what woke me up. Plus- I HIGHLY recommend getting the CD, The Heroin Diaries, by Sixx:A.M. It's all about Nikki Sixx's addictions to heroin and alcohol. But if you listen to these lyrics- you will be smacked upside the head and go- OMG! That cd is what has given me such great motivation to get back on track. It has a rockish/theatrica sound to it. The 3 main songs, right now, that really hit home with me are Life is Beautiful, Accidents Can Happen, and Tomorrow. Like I told Laura- the words alone do not do the songs justice.
    Tanner is sleeping- so I sit here with headphones on listening to the cd now. Gets me motivated to start the day in the right direction. :)
    I'm here for you sweetie. Never forget how many people here care about you and want to support you. Take your time. It will happen when you're ready.
    Love you hon!
    4946 days ago
  • no profile photo CD1727716
    As SLCOLMAN once told me... you will have these cravings hit... you will go off your normal eating routine.. it will happen.. but that's part of it being a lifestyle change and not a diet... it just means that the moment you get the opportunity, the moment christmas dinner is over, you have to look at what you've done on the scales and begin again. even the naturally skinny people gain and lose... you're just a naturally skinny person starting out at a higher range than them :) hehe... you have to get in skinny person mode...

    I used to hate those darn commercials that say "want to lose that extra five pounds you're carrying around?" and I used to think... "I could pee five pounds, who is obsessed enough over five pounds?"... well, it's us now... and once you do get to your goal weight... you'll be that friggin skinny person those commercials are talking about... and I'll envy you LOL...

    but just remember

    I can always PEE off MY five pounds... so there :P

    4947 days ago
    Oh woman, I feel your pain!! Pick up and let's keep going!! I hope you are feeling better tomorrow. Sometimes I think it is good to have these kinds of moments to keep us focused, because sometimes we can trick ourselves into thinking we are invincible after a time of being successful. Have your moment, and move ahead! ((big hugs)) Jen
    4947 days ago
    So much of what you said is so much of what rolls around in my head at any given moment, any given day. I am reading a book right now that has really helped me with my "relationship" issues...and the approach this girl has is from having been there herself; fresh and different from anything else I've come across. It's just a good read as well as funny and so spot on with the feelings you've just described...like the ones that most of us here all share. "Secrets of a Former Fat Girl" by Lisa Delaney. Read it, know it, live it....I highly recommend! Like Carrie said...let us know what we can do to help...she really helped kick my arse out of a rut lately. We are ALL here for you to help you get where you want to be. You ARE getting a handle on things Patty, because you acknowledge what's going on and working to get back on track...go back and reread that blog of yours from early September when you were just starting to excercise again, get back in touch with how you were feeling and what got you going then...it may just spur you back into action. Never forget you are stronger than the food...I mean...all that fair food may have held some power over you for that brief moment...but here you are...trying to fight your way back...and where is it now...pardon me..but it is en route to sewer city now sister...and any trace poundage it may have left behind, well...eventually that will be off in the abyss too, no doubt about it. Just keep hanging in there and know we are all in this together!!!!

    Love you!
    4947 days ago
  • no profile photo JENSUE32
    I feel you and I understand the ship you are sailing on. This past week has been horrible not to mention TOM is the picture. I get so upset with how I was at the beginning of Summer all on plan never straying from the beaten path ,just plugging along doin great even got down to my gaol this summer of 275. Now here I am way over the 275 not even going to make the 260 by my birthday next week let alone the 250 by December so that means my 200 goal of May 08 is out of the picture so that makes me even more depressed so I want to eat. I am on this freaking marry-go-round and I can't seem to get off.... so I exactly how you feel and and totally understand the way you are feeling. I'm so sorry I hijacked your blog (please forgive me) Its just funny how I just clicked on your post and happened to read exactly how I was feeling at the moment.~*JEN*~
    4948 days ago
    The relationship with food is a tough one to break...or change for that matter. You've seen, twice now, the effects of the "intimate and evil" side of the relationship. What can we do to get you back on track? You say it, I'll help. :o) Or I'll kick your tush.
    4948 days ago

    It has taken years for us to have this relationship with food, it will take a long time to make a new healthy one. I can't speak for anyone but myself but I know what my triggers are and try to do the right thing (not good at that part yet) Do you think there is something that triggers those binges? I also hate to blog when I'm down, I want to inspire and tend to not blog for days, weeks..etc. but then there is another side to blogging when your feeling down. It allows you to let go of those feelings and it lets your friends reach out! (((hugs)))-Tonya
    4948 days ago
    Hey, thanks for the warning although truth be known it was kind of like reading myself. There's a lot of thoughts and feelings you have expressed that feel familiar. You identified the pay out you get from basically pigging out. You fed yourself to the point where stuffed out all feelings of goodness about yourself. Maybe you secretly feel deep down inside that you don't deserve to be strong and healthy, maybe you are punishing yourself for being overweight or because you feel you aint perfect why bother? Maybe you just like to take the easy road - we human after all. All of these reasons could of applied to me in the past. But what I did get from over eating, from all the mistakes I made was the fact I was doing everything I could to remain overweight BECAUSE being overweight was easy and safe and certainly required a lot less effort than living healthy. My payout was I didn't have to participate in life, just eat my way through it. Sure sometimes it was painful when I wanted something, but ultimately it was easier to eat that ice cream because hey I deserve some peace don't I? lol... anyway. I decided to change that story. I decided to be an adult and not a kid justifying why I should have somethings that are just damaging to me. I would suggest that you start with simple goals: Drinking more water and having a healthy breakfast. Nail that for a week or two - don't criticise yourself over dinner, lunch, snacks whatever... JUST NAIL YOUR GOALS for a healthy breakfast and drinking more water. Once you feel comfortable with that goal being achieved, aim for another meal or for snacks. Start small, build yourself up - You will make mistakes (I did) :) but the great thing about them is you can use them to learn - Things I've learnt from my mistakes: There's specific periods in the day I want to pig out - come up with a list of other things to do. So this means I only have to be strong during certain moments - NOT24 SEVEN... Don't watch movies with my parents - they have food everywhere... lol or bring my own snacks. Have a free meal once a week - else I feel like some deprived third world country person and create a drama about poor me to self sabotage. Write down everything I eat because it makes me real... I could go on and on, but what I did learn from your song and dance is you read frustrated ... maybe you can use that frustration to make a powerful choice in regards to goal setting. In every challenge, seek your opportunity.

    4948 days ago
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