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Saturday, August 18, 2007

I hate to even admit it. I hate to even feel it. It feels like a failure. I am struggling so much. And I realized that I have a huge amount of shame because I am struggling. Especially since I can help others deal with their stuff so good in the journey sessions. How is it that I can be so helpful and can not help myself? And shame is a very low frequency emotion. I don't think you can get much lower than that. So, when that is around my depression increases. I am holding on. That is all I can do right now. Just hold on. But what I really want to do is let go-but that isn't an option. This is a difficult place to be in because many people don't understand. And even if someone does, you don't really want to talk about it.

The best part of my life is doing journey work with other people as it is such a priveledge and helps me also. But the rest of my life is crumbling around me. Maybe that is what is suppose to happen. Maybe all that isknown has to fall away so that i can rediscover who I am. Or maybe that is just a nice thing to hope-to hope that the crumbling and pain isn't all for nothing.


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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hey you!! You know how I always say I give the greatest advice and I should TAKE IT myself!! yep...Hugs...I know how you feel my friend. And that depression thing, phew...sometimes I don't know where it starts and where it ends, it is such an extension of myself. My own family doesn't even recognize anymore when I withdraw...
    crazy eh?

    and you are so right...I don't want to talk about it, I don't even like to think about it, doesn't even matter if someone does understand it or not, it simply isn't something I feel should be part of my "let's have a quick bite together" conversation..
    half the time I get quirky looks when I say, I will pass on the drink...hmm why?? medication, which is actually because of my seizures..heehee...
    Tami, my friend...but the one thing you do forget and maybe you don't hear it enough!! you are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for! You can't care for those darling children of yours and not be strong, loving and caring. You can't give others as much as you do, if you aren't able to fight through the issues you are talking about. It might be hard..and it might sometimes seem you are fighting a losing battle...but YOU ARE DOING IT. And..well...going through it means you are coming out the other side. Meaning sunshine is ahead for one more day.
    And one thing is for sure...that sun is going to come up..again and again and again...we just have to keep looking for it!
    Love and hugs ...yours...Susan
    5090 days ago
    I'm sending you a long hug in hopes of giving you even a moment of comfort. I understand too well how hard it is to open about our pain and that words could never adequately express the depths of what surrounds us. Please know you are loved by so very many people, including me.

    Hold on,
    5092 days ago
    Tami, I am sorry you are struggling right now. I do know the feeling, all too well, of being able to help everyone else but not ourselves. I often feel that way too. Shame is such a rotten emotion!
    I am so glad that I am getting to know you. Leslie
    5092 days ago
    How much strength you HAVE, to type what you just did?! Don't you realize how strong you ARE?
    Sometimes we place our focus, our sense of well being, sense of worth in what seems like the only place we have made a difference or in the only place that makes us feel good. Everyone does that at some point. But is that actually 'right' or 'fair'?
    Of course not.
    YOU are a great person because YOU ARE. You need no justifications or qualifications for this to be true, you need only learn to believe it. You exist, YOU ARE. You may feel flawed or weak, but know that you were not created that way. It is your thinking , belief that gives that emotion/feeling power. It isn't even a true power.
    YOU ARE...without that, you could not offer all the wonderful help to all the people that you have and are continuing to help. Everything comes back to that...YOU ARE.
    YOU ARE and I AM, we are not alone, ever.
    5092 days ago
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