Sometimes it just seeps out
Monday, April 05, 2021
I have depression and a lot of years collecting "depression trinkets". I have a quite diversified collection ranging from personal actions that weren't in my best interest to memories of others pain that I just had to watch because there was nothing I could do but listen sitting there holding them as their world fell apart knowing what I was doing was all I could do. The secrets others have shared that I will take to my grave because I promised. To going to foreign countries for humanitarian aid and seeing families with nothing and not being able to help except to do my job. Having a childhood friend you haven't seen in years throws herself into your arms crying asking for my forgiveness for a horrible choice she had to make. A brother in arms who contacts you 20 years after confessing his darkest sin to you just to have someone he trusts share the burden because it was just too much. I did so with no judgment. I listened with no retort and that is what he needed. He found me 20 years later to tell me that I saved his life that night. He was going to kill himself but whatever I did and said was enough to pull him back from the edge. When I told him I would take his secret to my grave I meant it. Now I share his burden and in the small hours I weep for their sorrow and pain added to my own slowly rip the scars open so they can sting and bleed once again. I sob like a child yet not one word of their secrets are allowed past my lips. Their sins and agony are mine until I breathe no more. This is my burden, my yoke to bear and I shall do so forever keeping their secrets locked within.