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Looking Back, Looking Ahead

Thursday, February 25, 2021

I'm updating my SparkPage and I have had a short running list of updates. I'm taking it down and starting fresh. I don't want to forget all those memories though, so I'm relocating those notes here, and adding an update looking ahead.

So, looking back I see a whole lot of...no change. I'm still where I was. I still want to change so many things. I want to improve so much. I still am not exercising. I've set a new high weight, sitting in the 290-294 range. I'm scared of what my future will be on this route. I was doing well for a bit and then just stopped. I'm not exactly sure why. I just...stopped. I've got to figure out consistency and building these things into my everyday norm. I need a new norm that doesn't revolve around TV, phone, fluffy chairs and blankets, and foooooood. Food makes me happy. I need a new happy. Here's hoping for a better check in next time.

Wow, what a difference 2 months can make. It's been a covid whirlwind for the whole world. Worked from home for a few weeks, hard going back to spending 10hrs/wk on the road commuting. Turns out I was more active (per my fitbit) while working from home, but I think I ate way more because there was always a fully stocked kitchen vs. the small selection I keep stashed at the office. It all balanced out I think, and no serious weight gain during the stay at home order.

I happened to return to SparkPeople just in time to jump in with a team for the upcoming Sparktastic Summer Slimdown Challenge. Here's hoping I can find a spark...haven't had one in a long time...

Time for an edit and update. Not long after my last post things went a little sideways. Hurt my back, lost partial feeling in my right leg and foot (still not at 100% today). Decided to homeschool my now teen. Work dynamics changed. PMDD. Gained a significant amount of weight. Now at my highest weight ever, in the 280s. No longer feeling proud of my body or myself most days. Need to significantly changed my eating and habits. Haven't worked out in forever, even walking. And, I hurt my back again a couple weeks ago. It feels so hard to change. To actually see and notice a difference. It feels unfair that I have to choose to deny myself foods I like. I KNOW I did it before when pregnant, but now I feel totally out of control.

(2018) Proud of My Body - Surfing the New Mom High
I am 35 and married to my high school sweetheart with a 12yr old son (he's my Valentine's Day baby!) and a NEW little boy who turned 1 in April. After giving me ANOTHER wonderful kiddo and currently keeping that kiddo fed, it's hard to be negative with my body right now (I wish I could bottle this feeling for later when/if negative body image thoughts creep back in). I work full time with an hour commute 1 way. I'm an emotional eater with recurring depression issues. Times get tough, and I kind of shut down. I've lost weight in the past and gained it all back. I need to develop good routines/habits and ways to handle stress. I need to build a good foundation that I can build on, that won't crumble when life gets a little shaky. And after having the new baby I'm in serious need of some core rehab before I do myself damage.

As of Jan 2016, I was at my highest weight. Ever. I watched the scale climb and my clothes kept getting tighter, and I still didn't change my ways. I was scared and knew I needed to change...but didn't.

And then...as I turned 34 in Oct 2016, I found myself expecting child #2 due in April 2017. I put on 40lbs with my first, and the Dr. gave me a goal of 15lbs total gain this time around. I gained about 15lbs, and then was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and was put on a diet. I managed to control my blood sugar with diet for the rest of my pregnancy and actually went in to deliver at my pre-pregnancy weight...so I was actually 25lbs under pre-pregnancy 2wks post partum. The GB diet went out the window however as my baby spent 4wks in the nicu and I stress ate ALL the sweets. Now he's home and I'm breastfeeding and still have quite an appetite, and quite the sweet tooth. I do know that given the right motivation (such as harming my unborn kiddo) I can plan food and eat healthy...but day to day without that motivation...still working on it.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Happy Thursday
    77 days ago
  • THINCPL2004
    Just keep on trying you will get there!
    77 days ago
  • no profile photo GRAMPIAN
    Keep trying and you'll get there. emoticon
    77 days ago
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