The hiatus... retrenching...
Wednesday, February 10, 2021
I guess it was 2 weeks ago...a few major things at work came about, the most important being a vaccination opportunity for airport workers. This high level county effort was filtered down through various platforms and would up in my zone with a simple phone call asking if we knew about it? The deadline to respond had already passed...we missed one whole 2.5 hour timeframe and what was left was another 2.5 hour on the following day and that I only discovered much later that evening in communicating with my company.
Stress much? In the end, we were able to add 19 people to the list and by that point in time I worked 50 hours.
But it didn't end with that one round. There were snafus and the rumor that there would be another round. I was informed over the weekend to send any additional names in by Monday 9am. ASAP. Now I was over by 20 hours.
It doesn't seem like much, but in the end I never had a weekend. I never had a break. I worked 10-12 hour days. In the end, I got the job done. In the end, the opportunity was not wasted. In the end...I was literally and figuratively shot.
I raised the white flag on Saturday night to the VPs of the company...I told them I was fatigued, plus feeling the effects of the vaccine on top of it. Amplified fatigue. I rallied because it was important. I felt fine enough again on Sunday, but on Monday, my mood/temper had started to shift dramatically...another sign of fatigue for me. It crept out in a meeting. I had my own meeting yesterday, and it did not go well. My gut told me to cancel for when I was more myself, I didn't listen this time and I am dealing with the consequences: feeling ashamed, feeling like a failure, feeling like I don't do my job, even though all of those things are completely not true.
Another great side effect of fatigue, ovewhelm, anxiety, etc. etc.
Isn't that grand?
The week before I was rocking it...using my intuition like a champ! What a blow to have it derailed like that.
On top of it all, to add the cherry on top: My oldest son is heading to college on Friday for his first semester away. We are driving 3 hours in a snow event to do this. Let's list those emotions now too: mom emotions of fear, trust, missing, etc.; road trip anxiety along with pandemic travel restrictions.
I am a hot mess today.
I was a bit of a mess 2 weeks ago and stopped tracking my food...I was ready to chuck my useless fitbit to the side too, but thought better than to completely derail. I missed my 13 year Spark Anniversary thinking it was Feb 8 (it's Feb 7) and no...I didn't step on the scale.
So let's add some more sprinkles of shame onto this pity party's sundae.
On the upside, I didn't break my meditation streak. 188 days today.
I'm also overdue for my period (which had stretched to 32 days for 6 months) and now I'm in day 42...an added bonus to the fun - and NO I AM NOT PREGNANT. With all of the medications that would negate that event, it would have to be an immaculate conception.
So that is where I am at. Sick of pandemic, sick of winter, sick of not seeing people, sick of emotions, sick of tracking every morsel I ingest, sick of not drinking, sick of caring so much I go above and beyond, only to see my efforts die on the vine because other people are not at my level of caring.
I have to try and eke something out for work now...I don't even have the oomph to do that. Yup, Houston, we have "burnout".
Thanks for listening. This too shall pass. Self-care is at the top of my list. Being kind. Giving grace...yadda yadda yadda. Truthfully, my self care level is at lay on the couch with my fuzzy blanket and binge watch period piece movies...