Reasons are not excuses

I gained back 10 pounds that I lost this time. I've lost two again, so I'm going in the right direction.

Reason -- My mom died in December and I was with my father until the end of December helping him get through the immediate aftermath. I was focused on him. I arranged for the family to come, socially distanced, and select mementoes and jewelry and all to remember her by. I figured out a way for the family to have an outdoor gathering (masks, standing apart) in the sun at the beach to say a few words and toss flowers over the bluff so we could feel we'd said goodbye. I packed up all my mother's things that no one else in the family wanted and took them to GoodWill. I took care of many phone calls and helped my father decide what to do with her remains. When I came home, I let myself completely fall apart and mourn. I clearly had been keeping it all bottled up. I was with my mom when she died as my father and brother just couldn't do it and I could not let her be alone when she died. Now when I lie down to sleep, the memories of her last hour haunt me and I start crying again. I did the right thing. My father, who was with her since 1953, is reliving all his wonderful memories of her life and the joys they shared. He doesn't have that last memory and I am grateful for that. It's coming to me less and less frequently and I had some good nights' sleep this week. I would do it all over again if I had to, even knowing how it haunts me, because it would feel even worse to know she had been alone.

When other people tell me someone in their family has died, I tell them that I hope they'll take good care of themselves. I know that I can't be strong for myself or my family if I don't eat, sleep, and exercise well during this time.

Knowing it is true and doing it are not the same. Still, I have a 41-day streak with SP going and today I have started well.

I am grateful I have been able to be there for my family. I am grateful that both my parents have led exactly the lives that they wished for themselves and that they have no regrets -- only good memories. I am grateful that my whole family has been kind and gentle and good through this and that my children have been enormously supportive. I am grateful for the outpouring of love and support that I have received from everywhere.

If anyone would like to see my mother's tribute page, it's here:

fineartsaffiliates-elain
e.org

I wrote it. It was another thing my father was not able to face. I am grateful I could do that, too.