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The Hunger - Preamble

Wednesday, January 13, 2021

I used to not eat breakfast. At least that's what everyone else said, therapists and coaches and such. I always maintained that I was eating it, just not early. If I get up at 11, I'm not having breakfast at 8. I figure my first meal is my breakfast, no matter when. I get strange looks for that but what can you do.

Here's the thing. Since working with my Healthy Living coach on not eating emotionally at night, I am now hungry in the morning. For those who advocate eating an Early Breakfast ('cause that's what they mean), hooray. Now I'm starving when I wake up. And it's bad. It's worse than just hunger. It's The Hunger.

We had a thing happen when we were kids. I'll have to write more about it later, but this long-term incident involved starving (yes, in America) and this true hunger, which I can handle if it pops up during the daytime, terrifies me in the mornings. Having just woken up, it feels like the worst thing as the world. It doesn't matter that there's food in the house. It doesn't matter that I might not be in the bathroom long - I suffer while I'm in there. I can't think straight, stumble around, and groggily spend more time panicking that I will never get food again, than getting to the fridge and doing something about it. It feels impossible. It's a burning in my stomach *and* a misery in my mind.

I've been working on how to prepare for this, with my health coach. But it's still pretty intense and very unpleasant. It can happen at other times, but it's mostly in the morning. There's more to come, lots more. Talking about this has opened a whole Pandora's Box of emotional stuff. I assumed addressing these things would make make weight loss and getting fit easier. Maybe it will... but this is hard.
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