What made me an emotional eater?
Saturday, January 02, 2021
This past year has been a lot of self discovery. There is no way that you can lose 50 lbs and not have a little heart to heart with yourself. Now I suffer from A.D.D. so expect me to jump around a little but I promise I will get back around to me and now.
My dirty little secret is that I watch 600 pound life. Now please do not judge me, I watch it because I feel for the people on the show. At times I would get frustrated because I would be looking at the doctor and thinking why do you wait until these people are struggling until you recommend that they go for psycho therapy... Something is obviously eating at them... Sometimes it is a molestation, physical or emotional abuse from parents, maybe they were abandoned as children by parents and raised by extended family. It is so easy for ME to see from my comfy living room what is eating at them.
Something funny about weight, but as it comes off you are tearing off that protective coat that we have put on protecting us from the cold truth. What is making us eat. So for years I have struggled with my weight and it has crept up and up and up. 268 was close enough to touch 300. So I am at 50 plus pounds and I am starting to get that flutter. Fear really that I am not going to make it to my goal and I will self sabotage. Every time I feel this way and I reel myself in and I feel like it is a victory. More good decisions than bad. I deserve this. I want to be around for my kids and grandkids. Only I can make me be healthier. I cant change my husband. I can only change me.... Hey wait, my husband is not on my list of the whys... Why not?
My husband is the love of my life. I have been in love with him since I met him I was 16. I have married to him for almost 32 years. He takes horrible care of himself. Like he is immortal and he is far from it. He smokes, he is an alcoholic and he is very overweight. He has heart issues. He is the nicest guy in the world. A great provider. He still gives me butterflies. If my husband does not love himself enough to take care of himself I am going to lose him. Am I preparing myself for the inevitable? A few weeks ago he had surgery and the results were better than the doctor had anticipated. I had found a flicker of hope that maybe now he will try to take better care of himself. Again, I have expressed how I feel and now I have to hope that he will hear me and think about what he wants. sheesh this is a big area that I have no control over. It eats at me constantly. Losing someone that your love is so strong for for someone with issues anyways.
So my circle is almost complete in this A.D.D. mind of mine. When I was three I had the most precious real live baby doll. My younger brother. Greggy. He was so sweet. My mom had me help with him all the time. I adored him. When he was 4 months old he started having seizures. He had brain damage from them. He passed at 13 months, he had just been placed in a state hospital two weeks prior. He was a topic that was buried in my house. We all hurt from it but my parents could not talk about it. We actually rarely talked about it amongst my siblings. A few years ago my oldest brother gave me a picture of me and him and I cried and cried. The wound had not healed in nearly 50 years. So my fear is losing someone that means so much to me. I remember my oldest brother going to sleep at my grandmothers house not long after my brother died. I called him at least 10 times to make sure that he was there and that he was not going to leave me forever like my brother.
I have buried both of my parents and from horrible illness'. I wanted to fix and help them, but I had no magic wand to fix them.
So my issue is abandonment. I am afraid to lose those close to me; I know that I have no control over others and their choices and lifestyles but I do have the capability to love myself enough to care for myself. I am not going to gain my weight back. I am going to reach my goals even if I have detours and lessons along the way. I will not live forever, but I love myself enough to do things to improve my quality of life until the day that I leave this earth.
I know my "why " and now I have to work daily on my "how" to continue success in a healthier lifestyle. Focusing on one decision at a time, one hour at a time and one day at a time.