I did not follow my normal routine this morning. I have been so consistent with my normal routine that going off of it brings up feelings...guilt, failure, shame...all of which are unfounded In the present, but based on past experiences (i.e., falling off the wagon, not tracking, etc...)
Past experiences shape what we feel in the present, but when you are aware and put them into context, they hold less merit...they hold less power.
At least, that is what I’m learning through meditation practice...so why is it so hard to sift through those thoughts and feelings when they come up...where is our self compassion? It’s right in front of our face, but sometimes it’s hard to see the forest through the trees.
I noticed a “backslide” in my routine this week...my usual practice of weighing myself stopped. Feelings of being scared to look have arisen. I have been doing my routine and that was the first thing that went sideways. I find it oddly amusing.
So what’s the root cause of this? That darned audit at work.
Subconscious worrying. Making sure that all of my own ducks are in a row. Wondering if I missed anything. The perfectionist is still present no matter how hard we try to calm that down. Placing faith in others based on past practice because as a team, we know how to get it done.
Talking the talk is one thing, walking the walk is another. Practice, patience, persistence. Worrying is still going to happen, being aware that it’s happening is the name of the game.
But I digress...
The morning, I woke up late.
This morning, I took my medicine and vitamins out of order with my coffee.
This morning, I meditated way after breakfast, rather than with my first cup of coffee.
This morning, the bed was made a little later than usual.
The elements of the routine are all there....just out of order.
My husband asked me if I wanted to do anything today that doesn’t have anything to do with house or work tending. My answers was: “hellloooooo, pandeeeemmmmiiiiiiiic....what really is there to do outside of our little bubble? We are camping next week, let’s work on that.”
The long drawn-out dance of audit pepping is hitting me.
The long drawn-out dance of pandemic fun is hitting me.
The long drawn-out dance of constantly tracking food and movement is hitting me.
Logically speaking: it is time for a break, without guilt, to just be. To let go for just one day.
I just find it very hard to right now...which means that I am way way overdue.
So.......my fitbit needs a charge. I’m taking it off and doing just that. One tether removed. I’ll get over not counting the steps (the perfectionist in me screamed a little with that one).
So.....I am throwing my hair in a hat, and taking a drive to the campground to scope out the site and take a walk in the beach with the hubby.
Gratuity for the moment:
1) meditation is at day 58. Happy and proud of that streak.
3) Favorite motto: “this too shall pass” - it always does
4) knowing that tomorrow is a new day
5) baseball hats
Thanks for the listen...wishing you all a lovely Saturday!! Oh yeah, I’m even gonna say “Namaste”