My Biggest Successes (MFP Posting 07/21/2020)
Thursday, September 24, 2020
Well, I think I've procrastinated from writing long enough. It's amusing how the mood ebbs and flows. I feel like I used to be so empassioned to write, that there were days when I absolutely had to get the words juggling around in my head out there to the rest of the world, if only for the purpose that they would stop being in my head and just to put them to rest. These days, I feel so unmotivated to write, to keep up with this blog.
Oh well, enough commiserating over why I don't write and let's just write!
It's been nearly a month since my last post and not much has changed. My state has "opened" but only in that frantic "We need to keep the economy going" way. While I am fortunate that the cases here aren't on an astronomical rise, as is the case in states like California, Arizona, Texas and Florida, I still struggle with the pointlessness of shutting down back in March and April only to reopen and have cases climb right back up.
I can complain about all this from the safety (prison?) of my home. My work continues to approve stay at home; I am beginning to wonder what it was even like to leave the house on a daily basis. What a wild thing I was just a few short months ago, leaving the house EVERY DAY and drinking coffee EVERY LUNCH! Last week I got my hair done (!) and had my nails done (!!) and felt like I was committing a huge crime, even though I never took off my mask in public. Today, I left the house over lunchtime for a coffee, and I felt a complete rebel, even though my sibling and I went through the drivethru. Facebook is reminding me that five years ago I was in England, and that seems like a completely different lifetime all together.
In other news, I remain roughly the same weight I was a month ago, a weight that I don't care to see. You see, I'm about 7 - 10 pounds heavier than this time last year, and I'll admit, I struggle not to tell myself I'm a failure for being unable to bring that weight down to a level I like. I thought for sure, that this self-quarantine, stay-at-home mandate woudl get me into the best shape of my life - as if suddenly, I would become a lean marathon runner in those nearly 4 months. That didn't happen, because let's face it, while I love running, I can't imagine a life where I am hyper aware of every macro nutrient I put into my mouth. (I realize this makes it sound like I don't pay attention at all to what I eat, but I swear, I actually do.)
Every few days, I have to do a reflection, recall back to 2, 3, 4 or more years ago and what I was like then.
Two years ago, I had only lost like 10 pounds and was hovering in the 220's.
Three years ago, I gave up on keeping track of my weight (seriously, I have no entries from May - August of 2017).
Four years ago, I was beginning yet another attempt to get control of my weight.
Seven years ago, I was just starting to run, struggling to run for 2, 3, 5 minutes at a time.
Eight years ago, I was at the heaviest I had ever recorded, plagued with headaches, sleeping badly, eating whatever I wanted and yet never full.
Sure, when I compare myself to where I want to be, what I imagine I should be, where I was last year, when there wasn't a pandemic, when I could go to the gym whenever I wanted, when I had more flexibility in grabbing food whenever I wanted, I was lighter. But really, I can't lose sight of exactly how far I have come - and how I've maintained that. My biggest success isn't dropping a massive amount of weight - it's the keeping it off. It's the habits I've made, it's the habits I've broken. It may not seem like much until I take a step back and see how far on this journey I've truly come.