Scrambling--up a steep rock wall.
Turning tail and running away from a threat.
Both of these are accurate words for where I'm "at" today.
I was doing so well at weight loss...had gone down to 178 lbs. And then I came to dad's house....why, WHY do I even come here when I know it's a guaranteed weight gain? It 's been maybe over a year when I even approached the upper end of the permitted calorie continuum. Most of the time I'm squarely at the bottom number ( 1200 calories)
But then came DQ Blizzard (lunch yesterday) and dad's awesome sandwiches. And let us not forget the package of Russell Stover caramel "turtles" (and yes, you read that right.: PACKAGE.) And there you have it. I ate over 1700 calories for two days running.
Yesterday I went to the store and bought a few items of clothes. I was unsure of what sized pants I should get, so I bought them both with the intention of returning one of them. The smaller was perfect everywhere but the waist. (my nemesis). And the larger pair fit in the waist but the legs and butt are baggy. So--buy the smaller pair and just lose those waist inches!! Right???
Ahhhh. but there was that small item of two days of out of control eating. Instances of piggary ...yeah i know....i made that phrase up. I kind of like it though.
These two days of failure have me in a very bad place mentally, emotionally and motivationally. (another word I made up). I feel destined..no...DOOMED to continuing to gain. I haven't weighed myself since I got here and that was either foolish or wise...i don't know which. I'm scared to. I pretty much am certainly back in the 180's.
"Nothing tastes as good as thin feels" - an anorexic mantra i heard somewhere. And who ever coined it must have never tripped over a DQ Blizzard.
So now I'm Scrambling.
Scrambling to return to my caloric senses.
Scrambling to remain motivated when right now I'm in serious danger of emotional eating...eating out of anger at myself....because I know when I do that, I just feel worse and worse...and "GOOD!! you deserve to feel worse! "
Scrambling to feel God's love "Come on, Lord, I'm in deep water here and the waves are breaking over my head and the night is dark and I just can't SEE You! I can't see you so I'm depending on You to pull me out of this one. I started the trek by faith...I hopped out of the safety and the comfort zones I was in, into the waves and the deep and yeah, for awhile I did great...but then arrived this "Dark Night of the Soul." and all appears to be lost.
OK...may I interject here?
You are NOT back to weighing 236 or even 200. We are talking about maybe two, maybe three pounds. Is THAT WORTH DITCHING A YEAR'S EFFORT? Who is the author of this funk? He tempted you to eat...and you listened. NOW step 2 in his plan is to inspire self hatred (ok, check...he's done that too.) and discouragement -- yep. Now step 3 is where he comes in for the kill. That is when I back out of Spark People. I stop weighing and tracking ...I wallow in self hatred....and I QUIT this silly pursuit of weight loss. I can't do it. That much is obvious. I return the skinny pants that are the smaller (but entirely reachable challenge to my waist line) and I buy BIG pants.
I can't do it.
The journey has been too beautiful to abandon. Fitting better in my clothes. Making new friends who are a boundless source of encouragement. Stepping on the scale and seeing a 3 pound weight loss. These moments are as Mastercard claims--they are PRICELESS. Priceless means worth every penny you spend on matters that are more valuable than money. In this case "Worth every effort you expend on fighting for health and thin-ness." Yes there is a cost to success and it may even bankrupt your stores of self-effort....but there is that hand...reaching in the darkness toward mine as I go under for the very last time...this night anyway. He pulls me out of the depths, pulls me back into the boat and quells the storm and darkness. And then gently asks me "Child, where is your FAITH?"
Sometimes on dark stormy nights when you are faced by that rock wall that looks like a sheer and impossible ascent....you question your ability and strength. You question that anyone EVER has scaled to these heights before me....And I think of Beth who has not only lost the 100 lbs i'm aiming for, but who has lost over 200...and I think of the many dark, stormy nights she must have gone through. Times when she temporarily lost focus and plummeted into the depths of self-hatred. But she never let it win for long. As she's told me about her year-long plateau "I never gave up. I kept pushing the envelope and refused to quit."
And that right there is a testimony to me. One that I need to heed. Dark, stormy nights will come. Progress may seem like an invincible rock wall rising straight up in front of me. But I can NOT give up. If I do, then the enemy of my soul and the former landlord of my obese body will win. And that just CAN'T HAPPEN!! Lord, I'm running to you. I'm calling You to help me scale this wall of the last 40 lbs. I'm more than half way there...but I can't finish well without your help. Teach me to walk on stormy waves. Show me each toehold up that obdurate rock wall.
I can't quit.
I can't let up on my "push" toward the top of the wall.
I can't ever doubt His love for me and His willingness to help me----if only I would remember to ask.