As my last entry demonstrates, I may struggle a bit or more than a bit with what is enough... I so want to achieve my goals-- to be healthy, to reach a certain pants size, weight on the scale as soon as possible, that I sometimes get for a lack of a better descriptor: obsessive.
I don't give myself permission to rest or miss a workout or eat off-plan for fear of it becoming an all consuming failure that results in binging or weight gain or skipping 100 more days...
Saturday I didn't get my walk in. I visited with my father in law (well, our daughter visited with her grandpa, really haha) and I did log 25 active minutes outside apparently chasing her around but there wasn't the formal, intentional walk. It was a long day. I stayed on plan for breakfast; then ate leftover brick oven pizza topped with arugula and lemon... so I don't know if I call that implosion but it certainly wasn't ideal... then more work and errands and chores and my husband is calling in an order to the local chinese place. I ate and felt okay but by morning felt pretty bloated.
Sunday, I got my walk in and even did a couple intervals of jogging. And this mysterious thing happened... I wanted to eat on plan. It was easy, it wasn't cumbersome or a chore, it was just natural. I made an egg white 'omelette' with everything bagel seasoning, topped with tomato slices and a 90 cal pack of guacamole... it was delicious and filling and what I was craving... I didn't catch on fire for eating 'not perfect' the prior day. I didn't lose my control and head to a local fastfood place for a calorie laden binge-fest or a 500 calorie sweetened coffee; I just did what was natural and made a healthy meal. More chores and outdoor play with my daughter and some errands and then back home to make a quick lunch of pan seared chicken tenderloins in some leftover homemade wraps I had in the fridge from lunch the previous week
(Seriously, easy and a lovely stand in for those high calorie carb filled white flour wraps: https://www.nanaslittlekitchen
rtillas/ ) I filled mine with baby field greens and some more tomatoes and a little dressing I made with wickles hot sandwich spread and a dash of mayo
We had tacos for dinner and for me, I had the filling on top of baby field greens with cheese, salsa, sour cream, tomatoes. Perfectly on plan and filling. I didn't even have the blue chips that everyone else was having; not because I was depriving myself, but I just didn't want them... (I hide portabella mushrooms in the taco meat-- I use my pampered chef chopper and obliterate them into tiny little pieces, drain my meat, rinse it under hot water-- apparently it helps release some of the extra fat, wipe out my pan and cook the mushrooms down and add the meat back in-- my mushroom hating husband can't even tell and I feel accomplished and a bit smug they're all getting a good amount of veggies in their tacos
I ended up with a migraine and didn't sleep well Sunday evening, which led to a bit of sleeping in on Monday and a missed walk. Instead of beating myself up; I ate well, drank plenty of water and vowed to get my walk in today... and I did. Six miles done and five jogging intervals! Obviously a day off now and then gives my body time to rest and recover-- which is the obvious information I'd give to anyone but myself... because I have this need to be perfect in all my endeavors that it creates this unattainable goal in front of me and eventually becomes a barrier itself...
Clearly, my journey to healthy is more than just some number on the scale; some pants size; it's about becoming more self-aware, self-compassionate and real with myself. I don't have to be perfect all the time. Nothing is going to explode or fall apart if I fall or lose or fail. It will be uncomfortable and frustrating and disheartening and maybe a little sad; but I can choose to get right back on track with my intentions and keep moving forward toward my goals.
I choose healthy. And that isn't clearly defined for me yet. So I'll continue on and with some intentional work and some luck and good humor, I hope to achieve what I'm aiming for.