I have been tracking my exercise since breaking up with the albatross of the scale; I have a graph I made up in my office. I'm on day 53 of exercise. I really want to get to my 60 days (and beyond).
Yesterday, I got up early but it was raining. We have an elliptical (that I just am not in love with) and I just didn't feel like I'd get much out of it, so I got ready for the office early and decided I'd go for my walk after work... only life happened as the day went on and the day got longer and my daughter needed this and my daughter wanted that and then it was dinner time and then she wanted a shower (she's not yet 3 and the shower has now become a fun way to get clean
So I didn't go for my walk.
There were feelings of relief (I am so tired, especially with a toddler that doesn't always sleep and my own insomnia the past few nights), my body was tired, especially my blistered feet from all my miles I've been logging... (If anyone has tips on prevention of blisters, I am all ears! I feel like I've tried everything!!!) and then the feelings of failure and guilt.
But instead of wallowing in self-degradation and maybe even binging, I sat with my feelings for a minute-- I wasn't avoiding my exercise, it just wasn't attainable yesterday. I ate pretty well (though I did have a couple tortilla chips from chipotle with my chicken salad bowl) and I felt good. I couldn't sleep at first, so I did get up and walk around the house and I did the stairs for about 10 reps to get to my fitbit step goal for the day. Then I relaxed for a bit and read an article. Then I got some sleep.
I got in 5.76 miles this morning! I would have went for the round 6 miles if I'd noticed how close I was to it, but I was really happy with my morning.
So this is quite the tremendous feat for me; in the past, I likely would have binged because "I already messed up my goals" "I'm never going to lose this weight anyway" "I've been working so hard, so I can eat a bunch of junk" and on and on with the negative self-talk and then skipped my exercise and one day could have snowballed into a week or more. Only, last night, I didn't do it. Why? I don't have a definitive answer. Maybe because I've been fairly strict on the sugar front (I can now use stevia no problem), Maybe because the hours and miles I've been logging have made me stronger? Maybe I've just turned a corner and I'm done wallowing in counterproductive actions.
I'm sure I'm not free of the binging or emotional eating; maybe it will always remain with me but it didn't win last night and today was a great day of meeting my goals.
Oh, does anyone want an old elliptical? He's gotta go since I am going to find a good quality treadmill for my rainy days.
Here's to shaking off the guilt, finding grace and giving it to ourselves when we deserve it. Happy Sparkin', Friends