Friday, August 14, 2020
I said there would be a story about a broken ankle and I said there would be a story about losing my Dad, but this isn't it. Right now I need to let out my frustrations a bit. Then I can come back and spend time thinking about those life changing events.
I really started back on Sparkpeople 3 weeks ago. I just started with tracking because that is where I struggle the most. Surprise. I really hate to track food. I get it, it’s important to truly know what you are eating but I just hate doing it. I hate digging around for food on the tracker and I hate figuring out how much of something I have eaten and I hate when I don’t believe the calories are accurate on my meal (meaning I’m sure I have consumed more calories than what the tracker says, but that’s not what it is coming up allowing a false sense of security). BUT. I’m doing it. I have been tracking for 3 solid weeks. I did miss tracking last weekend. Last Thursday was my 40th birthday. My goal was to be under 200lbs for that occasion. I came close. I came real close and it was honestly disappointing to be that close but not successful (what seems to be a general key in my life). I worked really hard at tracking for those 2 weeks and got to 200.3. Fine. Not terrible. Nothing I can do about it at that point considering that is an unstoppable deadline. My birthday wasn’t going to get pushed out so that I could have 1 more day to attempt this apparently ridiculous goal. We enjoyed the weekend. We got out of our bubble for the 1st time since Covid - which caused a lot of issues with my boyfriend since I have been out regularly while being cautious, he has been no where other than the grocery store, dump, and my mother's house. So I didn’t track. I was considerate about the choices that I was making. I didn’t go too crazy. Basically, since I ate a ton at lunch on Friday, that was my only meal. And it was because I wasn’t hungry, not because I needed to starve myself. I got back to business tracking on Monday. Tuesday, I admit, I didn’t keep in my calorie goal, but every other day, I seem to have done well. However, the reason I need to be here venting is because my weight has gone UP, Every, Day. What is that nonsense??? See, the thing is that at the beginning of a weight loss program, a person’s weight is supposed to go down to keep said person motivated. Well, at the rate of constant increase, I am losing my motivation. I am getting really tired of being hungry, tracking my food, and still losing the battle. There are so many outside factors to weight loss. I get it. This is not my first rodeo. I just don’t know how to stay motivated. The only thing that truly worked for me in the past is Sparkpeople. I guess maybe Sparkpeople and cardio? I know I started with the TurboJam workouts and Zumba before moving to strength training. But science says strength training is better for your metabolism so I should still be moving in the right direction. I am working out 5-6 days a week, sometimes more. I am eating within my calories. I should be dropping weight. When I got on the scale this morning, I just got so frustrated. My on/off depression is kicking into gear. I know that my self worth isn’t a number on a scale but when you work hard to fix that situation, it sometimes feels like it is. And to be honest, living a young life where your weight was super important to your athletic journey, does mean that your existence is run by that number. I hate being so frustrated about this. But I have attempted weight loss so many times in the past 3 years and gave up every time because of this exact situation that I don’t know what to do. This is the first time that I have gone back to tracking and really paying attention so i figured, I might have it. I might actually have the focus required to get this excess off. But I’m tired, disappointed, and frustrated. I am going to try to keep doing this. I am going to try to keep tracking all the food that I eat and keep up my exercise but it’s not going to be easy. It never is but it should be motivating at this point still. I should not be going up. At the very least, I should be staying the same. Now I have to lose the same 4lbs again.
Also, to apologize, I am tired. I feel like my dog now checks to see when my alarm is set every day so that she can wake me up early to go out. I love her. I love her to the moon and back. She has been my best friend, and partner in crime for the last 12 years but she is now driving me batty in her old age. She is diabetic so she drinks a lot of water which means she has to go out alot. I was understanding for all the middle of the night wake ups for the potty but now she is regulated on her insulin and I think she’s waking me up just to wake me up. She gets bored and wants to get up. But she gets to go back to sleep while I have to figure out how to start my day. I love her. I don’t know how to get her to sleep through the night anymore. She used to stay in bed as much as possible. I was never the person complaining that my dog woke me up early. She would hold her pee from 11pm to 11am if that was an option. Now she has to be up anywhere between 4 and 5:30 assuming my alarm is set for anytime in the hour before that. It’s going to be a very long day.