Anatomy of Hitting Rock Bottom-Tracing the Route Backwards
Sunday, August 09, 2020
8/9/20: This morning I weighed myself and was a pound over what I swore I’d NEVER weigh again.
8/8/20 8:00 Last night I joined WW again (in tears)
8/8 20 All day: I ate my feelings. I binged, which I haven’t done in years.
8/8 Yesterday started out poorly as I woke up at 1:45 with an agonizing leg cramp that lasted for almost a half-hour. (Not a calf cramp, but a thigh cramp) I managed to catch ap wee cat nap around 6:45 for a little over an hour, and it helped a bit.
As the day progressed, I found myself very weepy. I realized my depression had settled in. I spent the better part of the day in tears. Happy stuff, funny happy stuff, sad stuff, it didn’t matter. The trigger was a post on FB that showed parents snuggling with their toddlers and the love and affection just cut me deeply. I was never blessed with children though I have dreamed of it since I was a child. As I grew older, I logically knew that that blessing had passed me by and when I hit 50 and discovered cancer and had resultant hysterectomy it was clear. I have never been financially stable enough to adopt a child. So, I am Aunt Kim (Kimmie) to a few dear children (who are growing up WAY too fast) and have found myself contented
7/27/20-8/7/20 The last two weeks at work have been exceptionally difficult. My physician to physician line has been absolutely off the hook, crazy busy and my own private line just as bad. This in and of itself is extremely stressful, because I am also responsible for calling physician offices to verify receipt of reports that have abnormal findings.
The long and the short of this is between my two lines there are days I do not touch my urgent queue, which I’m supposed to call on daily. I am stressed to the point of tears with the sheer volume of actual doctor calls I deal with and the stress of trying to deal with patients who yell, swear, and talk over me as I try to help them. I have been working long days and even with the occasional mental health day thrown in, I’m worn out.
On top of that, I’m not sleeping well at night; my depression has settled in for the duration. I’m out of my anti-depressant and thyroid medication (Which explains the weepiness) and have to see my PA before he renews the prescriptions, but I’m unable to get hold of him or make an appointment sooner than a month or two out. I changed my insurance from HMO to PPO so that I have more choices and control. I am looking to find a new doctor for myself. I’ve done my homework and have a couple to call tomorrow to see if they are accepting new patients and can see me sooner.