Letting it off my chest
Wednesday, July 15, 2020
It's official, I've gained quite a bit of weight; all that I'd previously loss and then some. Wow. I knew that I felt heavier than before and certainly my desire to lie down after each meal was new but oh my goodness, still surprised to see the scale top over 300.
As if my irregular cycles, shortness of breath when walking across the yard, the grinding in my knees, and overall lack of desire to do s#%+ wasn't enough warning/or hinting. To actually see the scale indicate that much failure was alarming, rather it is.
But, I am not ashamed and for this I am grateful. I used to be so harsh and mean with myself yet I would never do that to a friend who found out the same news. I am proud that I now show myself compassion and feel the desire to understand why not just make arbitrary changes or deprivations. I look upon myself with kindness and an understanding of how I got here and why I don't want to spend anymore time carrying around such a heavy weight.
I acknowledge all of the rapid changes that have occurred in just a few short months: wedding planning, the wedding, so much packing, and some unpacking, moving farther than I ever have lived away from everyone I know a except my husband and his distant family, the stark move from a major city to a rural town that doesn't have many of the same stores I once frequented. the pandemic and all its changes, leaving my active business in my hometown and trying to manage it from afar, starting a less than viable one in my new state, stressing about all the above minus the marriage, acclimating to married life, depression, having extremely little success with business in my new home region, stress from that, adopting new eating patterns and 0 gym time (anxiety about shopping & new area, pandemic safety closing gyms, no longer single and cooking for just my palate), stress/anxiety/embarrassment from becoming more reliant on my husband to do things around the house and yard due to my lack of finances & two foot injuries, feeling like a failure for not having more energy and business success locally.
I feel like I need to do a serious overhaul of my life. I need to change so many things. Except my husband, he is great! Barring his comfort with craptastic food when I want to eat healthy and our seeming reversal:). But that's no one's fault, we are just out of sync in those moments:)
I sincerely and wholeheartedly appreciate being able to rely on him but relish that my new business niche is right around the corner. I miss contributing more financially and have found it hard to build a new routine here. Going to the gym and grocery shopping at 6 stores (he's more of a I do yard work and that's a workout, one store and done shopper) was the norm for me, and I miss that. I wouldn't trade it for him though. In writing this I realize that I have to come up with a new norm and strike a balance here. Yay. That means I'll be writing more to figure out what that balance will be. :)
Thanks for reading!