Please don't read if medical stuff bothers you
Wednesday, July 01, 2020
It actually bothers me, but medical stuff has been my life for past month and I need to write about it. A little less than a month ago I got really sick and my boyfriend took me to the emergency room because it was obvious that something was wrong. It turned out that my gall bladder needed to come out, immediately, but the doctors assumed that it would be a regular removal. It wasn't. It took two doctors five hours to remove my gall bladder and five ping pong ball to golf ball sized stones from my liver. I wouldn't have lasted another week if I hadn't gone to the hospital, and I very nearly didn't survive after the surgery. It's an understatement to say that I was weak and in terrible pain after the surgery. They had me on morphine for four days afterwards, but I still hurt, and I couldn't sleep on morphine so that made me miserable too. In fact I insisted on weaning myself off of pain medication early because I couldn't sleep on any of it, although I did take the occasional pain pill because if I couldn't sleep for pain it defeated the purpose. But suffice it to say that the week after was so miserable I can hardly believe i got through it.
I had a few setbacks to coming home after the surgery and I had to shuffle from my mom's house to my boyfriend's house because I could hardly do anything for myself a week after I got out. I found out that I was in terrible shape when I went into the hospital, I had sepsis and I was very malnourished, not because I didn't have food but because my body couldn't absorb nutrients. I was starting to have organ failure, which explains why I was so utterly exhausted all the time. I quit my job back in the end of January because of it, I didn't know how bad it was, but I knew that dragging myself to work made me cry with frustrated exhaustion.
In spite of all the scary, difficult, painful things that happened, my brain went into overdrive and even as I was so sick I was helpless I finally got clarity on some things that have been bothering me for decades. Even as I looked like death, I got closer to my boyfriend because he was exactly where I needed him to be, and he and I talked and talked, and I think both of us fell deeper in love. I decided what I want to do with the rest of my life, and that I need to get strong to be able to do it. It's glorious to finally have a purpose. After I raised my kids I was kind of lost but now I know my strengths, and my weaknesses, and I have my resources and family and friends.
These were all reasons to fight to live, and to get strong again. That's why I'm at Sparkpeople again, regaining my strength by balancing what I eat and eventually exercising again.
What I want to do is this- my mom has 80 acres in the country that is just sitting there, and I want to grow food on it. Some of the food I'll use myself and give to family, some I'll see if I can sell at farmers markets. Then I want to learn to can and make nutritious soups, to sell and to give to food banks. Eventually I'd like goats and fields of fragrant plants like lavender so I can make soap. This is a long term plan, but my sister wants to help, and I know several people who are interested in doing something similar, so maybe I can figure out how to get help from them, too. I love food so much myself, and the women in my family are mostly excellent cooks, and my grandpa grew food to eat and to give away on that land, so it's following in my family's footsteps, and doing something I love and believe in. I'm not great with people in person, I'm shy and introverted and a lot of times I just don't click with people, but I can contribute by feeding them. I don't know why it took me so long to see that I can do what I love and show that I care by doing it. It was almost worth getting so sick because of all of the good things that came from it.