I don't know how, but it's working this time!
Tuesday, June 30, 2020
I had given myself the grace to learn more about this body at 52 rather than trying to figure out how to get back to 35.
There was a lot of unhealthy thoughts in that attempt. There was a lot of constant "failures". Sadness and self-loathing became a companion that I did not want around, but they still showed up. Lots of self help books, spiritual practices, and yes, ways of eating and drinking that I tried worked for a while and then, here came my old pals back again.
This time, it is different.
Now, I don't know that it isn't the fact that I am in a healthier relationship. I don't know that it isn't the fact that studying to be a social work counselor has made me knowledgeable about things to try for myself as I learn to help others. I don't know. Probably.
But I also think it has to do with making very conscious choices. I think there is a numbness that we go through at times that we think isn't going to affect us as much as it does, so we sit and scroll on our phones, or watch the same re-runs of Friends for the hundredth time, or shove the same non-nutritive food into our pie-hole because we "deserve this after such a hard day". But the day turned into a week, a month, then 3 years for me. 3 years of self abuse through food and alcohol. And now, I can see that I do deserve something. Self-respect. And organic strawberries. And time for a really good yoga flow. And a walk with my Dogg-o.
It really does seem to be working this time. And.. to be honest... I guess I do know how.