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Friday, May 29, 2020

That morning you wake up and don't recognize yourself. Or maybe it's an afternoon, you find yourself in an old familiar place, but you are no longer familiar. 

Familiar to that space, yet unfamiliar to yourself, because you aren't who you were. 

It happens slowly. It happens for various reasons. 

You were chasing a dream you thought. Only to wake up that morning and realize that you were, in fact, chasing a dream, but whose? 

The dream (just like your body, your mind, you) no longer feels like yours. 

It hits you, hard and fast. It's time for a change! Perhaps this is rock bottom; most likely not in a physical way, if you go on you will be safe, you will survive. No, this is in a spiritual way. The light in your eyes has dimmed your excitement has flatlined. A failure to thrive. 

You look back on a time you tried to change and cringe. Cringe at all that was lost as you moved out of formation to find you. Mother, husband, friends, colleagues, children no longer recognized you. They didn't hesitate to let you know, to escort you back into their storyline.

You only attempt so many times before you learn. The bumper guards are in place in the event of autonomy. 

This day though, somehow you see those bumpers and escorts, or you don't. Somehow you're feeling a little more empowered. Perhaps seeing an old place, your then-projected path, bumped the dimmer switch of your eyes to keep the light going long enough to resuscitate a hint of excitement. The excitement of what could('ve) be(en)!  

Enough light to try for you for one day, just today. Don't even mention tomorrow! 

And somehow tomorrow that switch is still a tiny bit brighter, enough to push away the delicious appeal of comfort! But tomorrow? What about tomorrow? 

You shut thoughts of tomorrow down and bask in the small but not insignificant light of today. 

What felt as suddenly as the day you found yourself unrecognizable, you are back in that same predicament. But this time... you *do* recognize yourself. Or like what you see enough to keep bushwhacking the unknown path. 

The others around you have noticed. They have created new formations around or without you. Their ushering rituals are unrecognizable to you now and you weigh the options. Confident that compromising yourself isn't one of them. 
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