A new all time low
Friday, May 22, 2020
In the beginning of this pandemic panic I took everything in stride. Being a highly educated public health professional allowed me peace and reassurance (healthwise) during this global turmoil.
In the second week of March, school was cancelled for the rest of the year. This left my three wonderful teenage sons blindsided and upset. In the blink of an eye everything they worked for all year. All the friends they had, events they prepared for, gone in an instant. I added to my regular duties as mommy, maid, chef, and chauffeur, now also the title of teacher. I accepted the added stress and time commitment because I love my children, I want them to continue to learn and grow in their knowledge even during this crazy time.
We sat together on Sunday of week 1 and set our goals. Everyone picked 5 goals, they could be big or small. These goals have a deadline of the first day back at school. The boys started their goals the very next morning with minimal prompting. At the same time I felt more overwhelmed as each day passed. I had zero break, zero time for myself. We had started a master bath demo before all of this so I went from having a partial sanctuary to having a shared bathroom with 3 teenage boys and my husband.
As this quarantine continued I started hard core emotional eating and my weight started to soar. Having PCOS already made losing weight hard. I have to fight for every pound 100 times harder than a person without pcos. I gain weight far easier and in a larger quantity then an individual without the same issues.
Within 3 weeks my clothes were no longer fitting. Parks were closed. My bedroom was filled with boxes and items that came out of my bathroom leaving no room to exercise. The livingroom was filled with my children, same with the bonus room. I could not even access any work out equipment and no room to even swing a kettlebell. I have felt like a trapped animal, angry and out of control. As I felt more trapped I ate to emotionally compensate for how powerless and helpless I was.
My weight has jumped to 188.4. I almost cried when I got on the scale. I have severe hip pain and back pain that will not go away because the fat is pressing down on nerves. Pain I can only relieve by losing weight. I am in a lose lose cycle with myself and stressed to the gills.
Parks reopened and I was there the first day on the trails. It is hard without clothes that fit but I still went. Then we had 15 days of rain. It was a giant slap back down into the dirt.
I hope I am able to free myself from this cycle before it completely overtakes me. I do not want to continue in this negative space.