tired. I got up about 6:00AM, I couldn't sleep anymore. I felt all off and weird. I have actually got a cough that is starting to drive me nutty. So, I got out my journal and started journaling things out and asking questions such as: Who, What, When, Where, Why, and How type. It helps to dig deep. I got down to some of my fear of losing weight again. Which is losing friends again and how other people made me feel way back in the day when I lost 60+ pounds before. I lost a lot people and family and my marriage almost fell apart.
So, I do have a lot of BIG WALLS on that end to take a sludge hammer to to start breaking it down. Even though once I gained weight everyone and everything was fine including my marriage. I feel like if I change I will lose it all again. And that my dear friends is scary. Especially since now I am not able to work full time because of my dad even though one of the granddaughters live there full time. See my dad had a stroke last year with left side paralysis. He is using a walker and sometimes a walking stick. His wife, my step-mom, has a form of dementia we think as she is very forgetful and burns food and has almost caught several items in the kitchen on fire. She's a very heavy smoker and sleeper. We have her trained to go outside to smoke on the patio. Oh, that sounds bad. Neither one understands the Pandemic going on and no they aren't driving. The granddaughter is from her side of the family and she is 29/30; however, her version of cleaning, caring, grocery shopping for them is so way different than I would do it. It's very difficult. Because she doesn't clean very well as in diarrhea accidents don't cleaned all the way up and so forth type of thing. She works swing. My dad does what he can. I have one of bff goes there once a week to help also since I live 30 minutes away and she lives 15 minutes. Done talking about this part because this part won't ever go away until I get them into a home which I will NOT do right now.
I need to really work on that FEAR about what others may think and how it will effect me. I feel like I'm part empath too much, I feel their energy and don't know what to do with it. If I feel like they don't like me I do what I can to keep them around because I am also a people please to the core to. Due to because of my upbringing of wanting to please the parents and gotta be better than my older sibilings since there were heavy drug users by the age of 16.
So, I need to work on how to NOT "care" what others think of me anymore. This seems hard/difficult for a people pleaser that feels everyones feelers.
I have been reading a lot more self-help books and mindset podcasts to help change my thinking and what goes on in my head. Plus the depression also kicks in hard sometimes too. Ughhhh. So much almost too much. I get paralyzed then I use food. And I know that this doesn't help. I know how to meal plan and log my food and exercise. I did this all before and was so successful. Then I got hit by a truck by my friends, family and hubster, well, it felt like it anyways.
My husband and I have talked about what happened in the past and no, he didn't even realize he did or said anything. I told him all the things he said and did to me. He had no recollection of any of it. Then described when I gave up all the food logging and exercising he suddenly stopped with mean comments and mean poking of my ribs and so forth (I bruise easily). He did ask how come I never left; I said 1) I didn't have the money to go out on my own and neither one of my parents wouldn't help me out. 2) I had no place to go 3) I knew I love him enough and better figure out how to make it work since options 1 and 2 were out. So, we have worked a lot of things out over the last 10 - 13ish years ago. Yes, it was that long ago. Pssstt. I think he's grown up more tooo. Hehehehehe. Ok, I think its a bit funny.
How the heck do I get through this and break these BIG WALLS with a sledge Hammer? Ughhhh. It's like beating my head against the freaking wall and getting nowhere.
I get that I am over-thinker, it could be part of my depression. Well, it could be most of my depression problem really. Sometimes, I literally think my thinking is most of my depression problem. I am on medication. I just don't like. I have been on so many different ones over the years, it seems I have so many reactions.
I GUESS I NEED TO LEARN TO BE MY OWN BEST FRIEND. BE CONFIDENT IN MYSELF, VALUE MYSELF, BE HONEST WITH MYSELF.
Well, I'll start there. Yes, the above were googled.