I've read some incredible, deeply moving blogs that have sent me into my own deep thoughts and journaling today. I'm sharing just a tiny peek here. Thank you, Spark friends.
I celebrated my Sparkversary last month.
How long have I been fighting this battle? Why is my weight always a yo-yo? I gain weight rapidly. Weight is volatile. But this isn't just about pounds. It's inches. Energy vs fatigue. Hope vs defeat. Goal-focused vs apathy. Planning vs flying free. Controlled calories vs freedom from eating restrictions.
Notice my tone. Freedom vs being controlled. That mindset works against me. Why can't I see living healthy as freedom, and living without restrictions as destructive?
I found this last year. Words have power. Just the word "Thrive" appeals to me. It's vibrant and full of life.
At the opposite end of the spectrum, this one makes me feel sad.
It's true. How many times have I done that? Every time we do a challenge or a friend decides to lose weight, I determine I'm not going to be left behind this time. Just the phrase "left behind' makes me incredibly sad. I've been trying to lose weight since 2004. I should have awesome results. My friends who joined then reached their goal (or quit and went away...isn't that sad?)
Because I have so much to lose and keep adding to it, I never reach a significant weight loss, enough to feel like I've accomplished enough to matter. Most times people don't even notice. Most of my losses are 30-45 pounds, followed by periods of re-gain. I lost almost 80 pounds last year. And gained a little back this year. Why?
Why do I keep repeating behavior I don't like? Because I like to eat.
Eating should be fuel for the body. It can be pleasant times with friends and families. Should it also consume times when I am alone? What is the driving force then? It didn't used to be this way.
Sometimes I don't even know WHAT I want so I nibble my way through food that doesn't satisfy instead of making a proper meal. I've had some success stopping that behavior with intermittent fasting.
I hesitated to blog this because it makes me feel vulnerable. I'm sure there are many others in the same boat. Maybe we could encourage each other? It's ok to be less than perfect. Just don't give up.
I am living each day, making logical choices. I will string those successful days together. I will make choices that leave me without regrets. I will reach my goals, one day at a time. I will stay focused on long-term goals.
That makes me very happy.