HOPING & HOPPING DAYS 14 & 15: Just quotes & Jokes
Thursday, April 16, 2020
Thought I’d share both days:
Tuesday’s Trumpet Vine: Get fit in the gym, lose weight in the kitchen.Anonymous
Happy National Ex-Spouse Day, National Laundry Day, International Be Kind To Lawyers Day, Look Up At The Sky Day, International Moment Of Laughter Day, National Dolphin Day, National Pecan Day, Reach As High As You Can Day, Children with Alopecia Day, National Gardening Day, National Perfume Day, Pan American Day, Pathologists' Assistant Day & RAINN Day(Rape Abuse Incest National Network)!
Did you hear about the woman who formed a relationship with a dolphin and they could communicate?~They just clicked!*What do you call a German dolphin?~Adolphin!*What do you call a group of dolphins that move according to the moon’s gravity?~A tide pod!*What ind of soap does a dolphin use?~An All Porpoise Cleaner!*What do you call a boring person from Finland?~A Dull Fin!*Where do dolphins com from?~Finland!*Why is divorce like getting LASIK surgery?~You finally see your ex clearly for the first time & don’t like what you see!*If marriage is grand, what is divorce?~10 grand!*How many divorced men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?~None, the sockets go with the house!*Did you hear about Divorced Barbie?~She comes with all of Ken’s stuff!*What did the nut say to the nut bully?~Pecan someone your own size!*A walnut can’t run down your leg….~But, pecan!*What do you call a nut looking at you from the side of its eye?~Pecan!*What happened when the dalmation fell into the washing machine?~It came out spotless!*Why don’t men do laundry?~The washer & dryer don’t run by remote!*What’s a clothes dryer’s favorite brand of chocolate?~Lindt!*What did 1 sock say to the other in the dryer?~See you next time around!*What do you call a pile of dirty laundry?~Mt. Washmore!*What does a witty perfume have?~Great Scents of Humor!*Did you hear Chanel is making a perfume made entirely of rain water?~It’s called The Weather Chanel!*What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?~Eau de too late!*What do you call a rapper who makes many perfumes?~50 scents!*What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera in a bottle of perfume?~A cologne-oscopy!
The sweet small clumsy feet of april came into the ragged meadow of my soul.~e. e. cummings~~Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.~Lewis Grizzard~~Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.~Robin Williams~~You may have even an ex-wife or an ex-husband, but you can never have ex-children.~George Foreman~~My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.~Rodney Dangerfield~~Once you get yourself on that path where you're willing to find something delightful in laundry and in dishwashers, it means that you train yourself to be able to find it almost anywhere in almost anything.~Ian Bogost~~Perfume is magic. It's mystery. We recreate the smell of a flower. Of wood. Of grass. We capture the essence of life. Liquefy it. We store memories. We make dreams.~M.J. Rose~~Long after one has forgotten what a woman wore, the memory of her perfume lingers.~Christian Dior~~No elegance is possible without perfume. It is the unseen, unforgettable, ultimate accessory~Coco Chanel~~The sky is that beautiful old parchment in which the sun and the moon keep their diary.~Alfred Kreymborg~~Metaphor for the night sky: A trillion asterisks and no explanations.~Robert Brault~~The night walked down the sky with the moon in her hand.~Frederick L. Knowles~~A hearty laugh gives one a dry cleaning, while a good cry is a wet wash.~Puzant Kevork Thomajan~~I've always thought that a big laugh is a really loud noise from the soul saying, "Ain't that the truth."~Quincy Jones~~Life begins the day you start a garden.~Chinese Proverb~~I sit in my garden, gazing upon a beauty that cannot gaze upon itself. And I find sufficient purpose for my day.~Robert Brault
Wednesday’s Wisteria: You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.~Marcus Aurelius
Happy (?) US Tax Day(EXTENDED TO JULY DUE TO CORVID-19), Happy Take A Wild guess Day, Titanic Rememberance Day, That Sucks Day, World Art Day, Banana Day, Jackie Robinson Day, McDonald's Day, National ASL Day , One Boston Day & Rubber Eraser Day!
What coffee did they serve on the Titanic?~Sanka!*What lettuce was used in all Titanic salads?~Iceberg!*What do you get if you cross The Titanic with the Atlantic Ocean?~About halfways!*Why did Van Gough become a painter?~He didn’t have an ear for music!*How did the painter die?~Too many strokes!*How does Salvador Dali start his mornings?~With a bowl of Surreal!*What does an artist sing when he is in Dire Straits?~Monet For Nothing!*Which painting is never happy?~The Moaning Lisa!*Did you hear about the painter who paints in jail?~He had a brush with the law!*Did you hear about the attempted robbery at the art museum?~They ran out of gas about a block away and said they didn’t have Monet to buy Degas to make the VanGough!*Children may be deductable….~They are still taxing!*Who makes the best detective, Sherlock Homes or a tax accountat?~A taxt accountant, they find more deductions!*What’s the difference between death & taxes?~Death doesn’t change everytime congress meets!*Where do homeless accountants live?~In tax shelters!*Why did the TSA ban erasers on flights?~They’re capable of math destruction!*What do you call a person that hates erasers?~An erasist!*What did the eraser say to the pencil?~You’re looking sharp today!*What kind of key can open a banana?~A Monkey!*What kind of shoes are made from bananas?~Slippers!*Why did the banana go to the doctor?~It wasn’t peeling well!*Why do bananas put on extra sunscreen when going to the beach?~They peel!* why do bananas keep spreading the virus?~They hang around in bunches!
Elections should be held on April 16th- the day after we pay our income taxes. That is one of the few things that might discourage politicians from being big spenders.~Thomas Sowell~~Did you ever notice that when you put the words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells "THEIRS?"~Unknown~~Of course the truth is that the congresspersons are too busy raising campaign money to read the laws they pass. The laws are written by staff tax nerds who can put pretty much any wording they want in there. I bet that if you actually read the entire vastness of the U.S. Tax Code, you'd find at least one sex scene ("'Yes, yes, YES!' moaned Vanessa as Lance, his taut body moist with moisture, again and again depreciated her adjusted gross rate of annualized fiscal debenture").~Dave Barry~~The taxpayer — that's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination.~Ronald Reagan~~America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation.~Laurence J. Peter~~The politicians say "we" can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians.~Steve Forbes~~Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.~Erma Bombeck~~Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.Elizabeth May~~You use a glass mirror to see your face; you use works of art to see your soul.~George Bernard Shaw~~Perfection in art, as often in life, is better captured by eraser than pencil.~Robert Brault~~An art which isn't based on feeling isn't an art at all... feeling is the principle, the beginning and the end; craft, objective, technique - all these are in the middle.~Paul Cezanne~~When it comes to reasoning with the IRS, there's no way, shape or form — and you wouldn't understand the form, anyway.~Robert Brault