Tuesday, February 04, 2020
I find myself in a weird frame of mind. I've made progress. I've gotten positive feedback from the scale, my clothes and some of my coworkers. So when I should be feeling really good, instead I feel two strong conflicting emotions.
One is frustration. I try on smaller clothes in my closet that still are nowhere near fitting. I used to fit in them. Then I realize I am still not at the heaviest weight I was when I started Spark 7 years ago. I am within 2 pounds. But then I will have another 30 pounds to lose just to get the lowest weight I achieved on spark....which was stlll over 200! Mentally, I know I've done well. I've repeated the "It's a lifestyle change- it's a marathon, not a sprint - you didn't put it on overnight, it won't come off that way" mantras. But I still find myself feeling blue.
The other emotion is fear of relaxing. Because when I am not dwelling on the frustration, and I am walking better, doing more things, getting a compliment here or there, and the pants feel a little looser, those "Hey, you are doing well, you can have a bite of._________ (fill in the blank with something I shouldn't have) urges hit. I forget what I look like in the mirror - the ultimate teller of truths, and feel like I've already accomplished what I wanted. I haven't.
I am fighting the two devils on my shoulders right now. I am winning, but I just don't want to backslide. I found a picture of me at a Christmas event in 2018. I HATE the picture. But today, it was enough to keep me on track.