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Having a Hard Time in Life Right Now

Friday, January 17, 2020

I haven't been on here in a long time. I check back every once in a while but don't post anything. Life has been crazy since my mom went into the hospital in July. I feel like the whole year of 2019 was insane in a bad way. Bear with me, as this is going to be a bit scattered.

My mom was in the hospital and rehab center from July on. She gave me quite the scare on August 30th when she said that she had been transferred to our town in Indiana and she hadn't really. I ended up with Post Traumatic Stress from that. Not the disorder though, at least not that I know of.

The day after she told me that, I found out that my biological father died on July 19th or 20th and no one told us or listed us on the obituary. I had to find out randomly by searching his name on Google because I was looking for the religious book he wrote after finding an author by a similar name on a website. He died of pancreatic cancer. While I don't "love" him because I never had a chance to really get to know him as he didn't want to be in our lives, he did help in my existence. I didn't really know what to do with this information of finding out that he passed away. It was a lot to process.

My mom ended up telling us she had dementia in September, but there was never an official diagnosis. My sister was able to go out to visit her in mid-October. Her phone and hearing aid stopped working around that time so it was extremely difficult to talk to her on the phone.

Her body started failing her. She went back to the hospital for bowel obstruction and they did surgery. She ended up having colon cancer like my aunt and like we feared. She was so far gone at that point, physically and mentally. We chose to put her on hospice. She died on November 30th. I miss her like crazy, especially after getting my stepdad moved to Indiana so we can help him more.

He arrived here on December 22nd. My brother had to go get him and help clear out their apartment as much as he could. We were able to get my stepdad into a 1 bedroom apartment in mine and my brother's apartment complex. So I've been going over there 4-5 days a week to make him a meal if I am able to, or at the very least do the dishes and set up the coffeemaker for the next morning. As of right now, he doesn't have a washer or dryer, so I'm doing his laundry too.

I've been sick and without medical insurance since the end of August. I've been battling with chronic bronchitis, recurrent sinus infections, and I went on antibiotics and ended up with a health issue from that, etc. I need to get my medical insurance figured out, but it's all been so much lately that I keep putting it off. Since I've been sick so much, I haven't been attending church like I need to either. I've only been a handful of times or so since the end of August.

Since my mom told us about the dementia, and later losing her, I've been grieving in one way or another and I've also been dealing with bad depression since then, the worst I've dealt with in a long time. In the past two weeks, I've also been dealing with crippling anxiety. I feel like it's my mind and body "coming off" of all the things that have happened, but we've been thrown more loops too. It's hard not to have that mindset of "when's the next shoe going to drop?" because we've had nothing but things thrown at us almost all year, but especially since last summer.

I need to start improving my health. I feel like it would help me physically, but I also know now we have so many health issues in our family and now even more stuff. I need to figure out low cost ways of working on my health, because right now, my brother is the one paying for 90% of the groceries for the whole house and he has a certain budget for it.

Through all of this, I'm trying to stay positive. My anxiety is giving me morbid thoughts and I'm anxious/afraid a lot of the time. To be clear, I'm NOT suicidal. Morbid in the sense that I'm afraid that I could be "next" type of thing.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    So much going on. One day at a time or even 1 hour at a time. I have been having health issues so I relate to you on the anxiety mentality of "what if?" can't let that rule our lives though. My pastor spoke about focusing on the present. Dwelling on the past and the what ifs of the future can ruin our lives. Here for you! Hang in there!
    314 days ago
    Sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you and your family and especially for your step dad. I hope you can find some positivity in your life and attempt to move forward. One day at a time. emoticon
    315 days ago
    I have a church family. I just have been sort of quarantining myself because I've been sick and there are lots of people with compromised immune systems or young babies that I don't want to get sick, as well as their caregivers. So I don't reach out to them as much because I'm afraid I'll get them sick. They do check on me and have been there for me in lots of different ways, but not like in everyday life where I am struggling. If that makes sense.
    315 days ago
    So sorry for your losses, Bonnie. It is very rough indeed. I too wonder if becoming a part of a local church family would help a little. Just something to think about.

    HUGS and prayers, sweetie. So sorry.
    315 days ago
    Oh Bonnie, I'm so sorry for the loss of your biological father and your mother. I lost my dad three years ago and it's taken me a very long time to adjust. Let yourself grieve. Everyone does it in different ways and in different amounts of time. Try to take care of yourself during that time. Don't feel bad for things like not going to church, etc., you'll get back to that in due time. My heart goes out to you as you deal with all of these things.


    315 days ago
    I am so sorry to hear you are feeling so down. It's been a tough time for you, but hopefully it's over and you can look forward to happier things in your life.

    I think it would help if you could find a church close by your home. Having a church 'family' could help you in many ways. You would find supportive compassionate people ready to welcome you. If I think of anything else I will let you know.

    Hugs my friend. emoticon
    315 days ago
    Keep moving forward
    315 days ago
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