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Saturday, December 14, 2019

Depression is something that many people suffer with but keep to themselves. Some people are afraid to let anyone know they have depression. Sometimes, they are embarrassed or they are afraid they might not be able to get a certain job. Depression seems to get worse for some folks during the holiday season. I'm one of those people.
Depression is real in my life and has been for a very long time. I have been treated with medication and counseling for my depression; none of that stopped me from trying to end my life back in 2004. I was at an all time low. I could not imagine taking another breath. I overdosed on some medication, expecting to wake up dead. Nope, I messed that up too. Thank God, I messed that up, because I did not walk with Jesus back then. Had I ended my life, that would have been it for me. God had other plans for me.
I submitted my life to Christ in 2012. My husband died less than a year later, and all those suicidal thoughts came rush back. I daydreamed about it. I planned it. The thoughts were never far from my mind. But now I'm a Christ-follower, so I'm supposed to be able to rise above all the pain and keep going. I had to start seeing a counselor again to help work through the grief and pain. It helped keep me from going over the edge. Plus, I went back on medication for awhile. I needed the extra help.
Currently, I'm not taking medication or seeing a counselor for depression. I probably should be but I don't want to. I do okay most of the time, but holidays and remembrance days are hard for me. From about the week before Thanksgiving until after Christmas are sad and lonely for me. I miss my husband, I miss my deceased parents, I miss my old life. May 5th, my dad's birthday, until Father's day passes in June are difficult days. With Mother's Day, my husband's birthday, my mom's birthday and Father's day back to back, nearly every week has a remembrance day in it. It's almost too much for me to take.
Why am a sharing this with y'all? Because I want you to know that I'm not the only one. There are a lot of suicides during the holiday season; life is just too hard for some of us to handle. I'm really struggling to get out of bed and make the most of each day. I'm doing the best I can but I have to lean on God to get me through. Some people don't have God in their lives. Someone might decide that they just cannot face another moment. Please be watchful of those you love and check on them often, especially if they live alone.
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    I a.m a Christian too and dont know what I'd do if i didnt have a church family who i can call on as I belong to several churches kind of, and the one i had gone to with my
    Husband, i had to leave because it depressed me so much not being able to sit in our favorite seats without him. It just made me cry every time i went to church, and everyone dying around us there, it contributed to my sadness, so i left for a more younger church that i could not feel that loneliness. The church i go to is more involved in showing love than just preaching it. They have many singke nen too, but i still am not that attracted to dating any of most seem to have their own mental inadequacies and would be a burden in my mind as I'd alway compare them to the one l had been perfected one I had been with heart aches for that continuance i had. I just cant grasp myself being with another person. Because no one even measures up to what i had. The only way id date...woukd have to be Hids foibg because i cant let go of the one i had loved. Its not that i cant love another, i just don't feel the need of a new burdens of going thru the same motions of losing another because men just seem to wear out so fast. And the ones im attracted to seem to be already claimed by other single woman. So i just maintain my allegience to my memory of my beloved.
    Im Depressed but stay busy. I go once a week to church, and another church where a fruebd if mine goes, emoticon where i volunteer in a soup kitchen, so those two days i worry less about my loneliness. I like being alone. It gives me time to think and write or work on my other arts and crafts. Plus, I started going to a painting class which is once a month, plus i go once a week to the senior center for lunch and to be with others my age, but most there dont seem to think young or interact with me, less intelligence than myself, its what i chalk it up to be. They are more clichey and seem to only care about winning at bingo ir congregate with tgeur "set" of ego's. I despise bingo... and sometime i go out to lunch wuth a fenake friend when i have a few dollats to spend. And i go once a week thrift buying as i used to do with my husband and i run into people we knew aquaintances we have met there over the years (its always the same ones). And we have the nicest conversations. I meet some men who are single there that have similar aloneness and hobbies but no interest in dating; we just have conversation only. Its like a club sorta...our meeting place for friendly faces but no entanglements but we have similar interest. One man was a teacher hes the most talkative one, but i don't see him there as often as i go. He comes once a month. But we generally talk about 30 minutes but he has never asked me to go for coffee.The only one i can talk to on the sane level of intelligence. He never bores me. But i dont see him often enough to kniw hiw he realky is . He has his interest i assume that he attends to and doesnt seem to want any entanglements but its just conversation.its a time to chat is all i see. A lot of lonely people go there that are interesting personalities. I met this one woman who used to be a teacher but just saw her once. Lonely as myself but i never saw her again and wished to. I should start a widow's only group. Lol. But i belong to several groups and really dont want things to becone routine as , "have to do" every single day. I have enough groups i attend that keep me staves off the loneliness factor. I. Just trying yo keep ahead if what us a touribe already...just shopping and groups is enough to keep me employed in the human race of living. emoticon
    351 days ago
    I try to stay busy on a daily basis. What with teaching children at church, participating in the Christmas play, attending every event that church puts on for adults, going for walks, and moving into my new apartment and trying to get settled, I don't have a lot of free time. The problem isn't having too much time on my hands. It's the time I'm alone, the time after I get home from a function in the evening, and late at night when I'm all alone at night.

    But like I said, I'm not the only one. There are so many people who are hurting this holiday season. Look around you and see them.
    351 days ago
    Nothing will be absolutely perfect until heaven.
    Would it help to volunteer with programs to help others in far worse shape? emoticon
    352 days ago
    I deal with depression and the holiday's are happy when the month of December is over
    352 days ago
    Yes, I really can relate to what you've written here. I'm also a follower of Jesus. He came into my heart 47 years ago on December thirteenth following a suicide attempt. Although my heart and soul have been healed forever, I, too, have had this affliction called depression all my life. It waxes and wanes many times without a trigger of any kind. It just is. The suicidal ideation stopped when I read in the Bible that Jesus wants us to be a living sacrifice (not a dead one). So, I don't allow my mind to go there anymore. Jesus is my reason for living. I've asked Jesus to heal me several times, knowing that He is able to do that and so much more, but He has chosen not to. Why? He knows and that's good enough for me! I trust Him with all that is within me. What I've learned over the years is that I really do better with the medication. It helps me to function better and improves my quality of life substantially...and the lives of my loved ones...and my church family...everybody I know. I will likely need to take this medication for the rest of my life but I welcome it. This is the help for me that God allows and I'm thankful to Him for it. After 43 years of refusing psychiatric help on account of my Christian beliefs, I was hospitalized 4 years ago for my depression (a 7-night sleepover) and some insightful therapists were a tremendous help to me. I was taught some things about staying present in the moment that have become like a powerful medicine to me. I think we Christians are blessed if we can open ourselves up to the help which God allows. I hope you can find some comfort to bolster you through the Holiday season and forward into a new year! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    352 days ago
    Just as God was with Elijah when he wanted to die. God is with you. God loves you just as He made you. Please live and let God shine through the beautiful lady that you are.
    352 days ago
    May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13
    352 days ago
    A great therapist and love of our Savior will assist you immensely...a good plan
    352 days ago
    So glad you found Christ in ypur life to help you make better decisuons.
    352 days ago
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