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One day at a time, one foot in front of the other..projects

Saturday, November 09, 2019

emoticon Hello my dear sparklers:

It's been a minute since I last blogged. I always intend to sit down and sort our my feelings in a blog (which helps me immensely) and then the day is gone and I intend to blog the next day and poof it disappears also.

I've gone to another dine out with the grief group that was very nice but we are such a large group they had to put us outside and it was hotter than heck! So hot, in fact, that I couldn't finish my dinner. It's rare to lose my appetite but apparently sticky hot weather is the key. I had to box up most of the meal to bring home.

As most of you know, I lost my beautiful husband on July 27th. It's been about 3 1/2 months at this posting and some days it feels like it was years ago and other days the pain is so acute it feels like just yesterday.

This is the way grief goes...it's a tricky prankster...you think you have it figured out and then it sneaks up and pulls the rug out from under you and you plunge under the murky waters gasping for air all over again.

This grief is different than the sudden and tragic death of our son back in 2006. That event almost took me down. I was horrified and paralyzed for literally YEARS.

The loss of my husband wasn't totally unexpected since he really suffered for about 4 months out of the short year that he was diagnosed with Lipo Sarcoma...a deadly and aggressive form of cancer that attacks the fatty tissues and connective tissues of the human body.

I only have to look back on the pictures of his emaciated body to see how horribly ill he was and know that he hated the life he was enduring. My husband was always physically fit and very active throughout his entire life. For his body to deceive him and destroy his quality of life was so horribly debilitating for him. It was a blessing when his beautiful spirit was finally released to go home to be with our beautiful son. He was never the same after losing Josh in 2006. Neither of us was... but we always leaned on each other and that helped us make it through.

So many things are now different in my world. I would have to say the loneliness at night is the worst. I can navigate through my days as they are pretty busy but coming home to a big empty house is the hard part...the really really REALLY hard part.

I am adjusting. I'm learning that this is something I must navigate through and even though I don't have the faintest idea why it happened I know it is for a reason and right now I'm just open and examining what the reason is.

I am working on a chalk paint project that is moving along slowly.

I had this little old chest that I wanted to paint a fun and funky color and then jazz it up a bit more with some colorful wallpaper.

Here it is in the beginning. I forgot to take a pic before I started painting it.

It's cute, kind of an Asian flair to the design and good solid wood with dovetailed drawer. You just don't find furniture like this anymore. The stuff out there in the stores is pretty crappy.

Here it is with the wallpaper taped on that I will be using to jazz it up. I have another few coats of paint to put on and might use a dark aging cream over that to seal it and give it more depth.

I'll share the finished product when done. Who knows WHEN that will be ha..ha! I used to drive myself to get things done quickly but I no longer tax myself that way anymore. I do what I can when I can and that has to be good enough.

I have a few more things that came into the consignment gallery.

This nice electric leather recliner came in. Actually from one of the ladies I have met in my grief group. The chair is great but the arm is all discolored...which she neglected to tell me and I didn't do my usual 50 questions to find out the condition up front. So now I'll have to order a leather dye to have my handyman restore it. It has no chance of selling as is...no chance. Bummer...I hate having less than pristine stuff on the floor..but my fault for assuming she would know I only take top of the line stuff.

These cute little consoles will be coming in. The lighter wood will be popular.

I'm also excited I will be doing a 'whole house' estimate on my day off which is Monday for a swanky household in The Brooks. The doctor who has engaged me also has a chi chi residence he is selling in The Colony and then yet another whole house in Stonybrook...which is more of a moderate scale gated golf community. So I will be swimming in furniture if I land these houses.

I'm always walking a tightrope between sales and garnering new merchandise.

It isn't an easy situation but I'd rather have more inventory that is desirable and will sell quickly whenever I can.

I know I'm bidding against several other consignment shoppes so wish me luck my sparklers...I need it! emoticon emoticon

I went to a dine in last night with our old group of friends. It was pretty much the same as most of my time with these friends. They are very wealthy friends that we have had pretty much of a 30 year friendship with who we met when we had our big construction business.

I sat at my former best friends house and listened to her rattle on to her group of ladies about how she is completely redoing her kitchen. I looked around at the beautiful cabinets and the awesome granite countertops and could only ask myself why...why is is so important for these show ponies to consume, consume, consume when the things they already have are perfectly functional and beautiful. It's because they are bored out of their gourds and can only entertain themselves and those around them by one upping constantly.

The really funny thing is she is going to all white in her kitchen. I remember when we built our house I chose all white for our kitchen and she poo pooed me for it being so boring.

HA...I guess my 'boring' kitchen is perfectly 'on trend' right now AND...I'm not spending a cools $25,000 grand to achieve it. I was just ahead of my time...har de har har!

Trends may come and go in decor...but these people are ALWAYS the same...nice people, but basically so superficial it's hard to be around them without at least 2 glasses of wine and a FINE sense of humor...that's FOR SURE!

Enjoy your weekend my friends. I'm off tomorrow so I'll probably work on my chalk paint project and maybe catch a movie with some of my new grief group friends. I look forward to the small blessings in my world right now and it's friends like you and my new friends I have met from the grief group. I'm sooo grateful my hubby prepared me for this period in my life by telling me people can only give you what they have to give...if they don't have what you need...move on and find those that do.

He was a smart, wonderful, caring and loving man! I'll miss him until I see him again further down the river!

Viva beautiful husband of mine...enjoy your time with our son and save me a seat on the joy ride.

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  • PICKIE98
    Peace comes from faith. Faith comes from love. Love comes from within. You are a work in progress my dear friend.. You have the power to achieve all of it.
    27 days ago
    oh yes my dear sad and lonely friend .. looking for the lessons is huge .. navigating life .. death and everything in between is the emotional roller coaster ..

    the key for me to even look for myself was honesty.

    .. after a reminder of what my past couple of years have looked like .. I got that hug and swift kick from Carol ..
    for that I'm so thankful .. she listed one after another the events of my life ..
    all were out of my control ..
    she then reminded me to balance my emotions ..
    and get help to navigate

    as I read your blog the first thing I thought of was how horribly lonely your evenings are ..
    maybe you should be teaching your painting classes in the evenings .. out of the garage .. even once a week might help bounce you on to a new and glorious path ..
    or invite someone else in to teach you and your friends .. a spiritual class .. singing lessons .. crochet ..

    I'm thankful my friend Patti has also given me new options to add to my life ..
    a pour paint class
    pizza making class .. wow I was amazed at the wonderful dough and homemade sauce .. taught to us by the chef at the local comprehensive high school
    next on the list for November
    is an old wooden chair paint class
    then the effortless Turkey meal prep class .. how to debone the turkey .. partially cook and then slice after cooling .. can be frozen or refrigerated to pop in the oven for an hour before serving on that special day .. we will also make stuffing .. brown the bones and create broth for gravy ..

    I did miss the bowling on Saturday .. but will certainly attend the next time .. I have never ever bowled ... so maybe its make a list of all you have never done but would like to try to do ... then start whittling away at that list ..

    I too look at the pictures taken before Mom passed .. it is so plain to see now .. yet there are still times I think she will bounce back ..the fact that there was no real closure or acceptance of our odd relationship .. I always felt more mature more in tune with life than she .. then I am reminded that I know I am an old soul .. I've been here a lot .. and that she is a young or new shoul (very few if any previous lives ) that is the knowledge that allows me to find peace in me..
    when my dad passed away in 1988 Mom became mine, and my families responsibility .. Mom was 54 .. but oh so old .. so tired and needy ..
    as my responsibility oh yes I crabbed and complained about her lot .. ( only because she seemed so unappreciative and demanding ) .. that is who she was .. she very seldom revealed that she even liked me .. never mind was thankful ..
    yet we do what we must .. the only regret I have is that I b&tched so much .. what if I would have done what was required with a happy and grateful heart ..

    human nature or at least mine is to allow ego in first .. instead of counting my blessings I have a tendency to count what is wrong instead of by default being and having a heart full of gratitude ..

    I can always think of something that needs to be improved on instead of accepting me as God's master piece .. we are all His biggest and greatest deals .. He loves us unconditionally

    to see with clear eyes .. through God's glasses .. is my mantra ..

    I know we are loved beyond our comprehension ...
    we are loved totally by the divine ..
    its time we loved ourselves more like that ..

    started living in the NOW ..
    reaching beyond what we can ,see touch or feel ..
    dig a little deeper ..
    extend ourselves to others that are in need of someone to believe in them ..

    yes my friend .. this life is quite the game .. filling the emptiness with remodelling .. with noise and show .. with food and booze .. with trying to buy our way happy ..

    I'm thankful you have your like minded grief group to honestly share and care about .. as well as the old group .. they too are in need ... we are all in need of peace .. of understanding and of friendship ..

    soon you will create a new tribe .. a tribe of like minded souls ..
    as we reach for God's hand ... He is reaching for ours ..
    feel the guidance and unconditional love ..
    be excited and in love with your soul once more ..
    you have so much to share with others ..
    by sharing we truly find ourselves ..

    so here we are how many years later ... the three Amigos ..
    Bobbi Ann .. Carol and Donna .. two warm loving Spark friends in sunny Florida and one Canadian .. on the frozen tundra of Saskatchewan .. still friends .. after all these years .. a friendship that was almost torn apart by political differences ..
    so we drop the politics and we share recipes for food .. for life .. for plants and fertilizer .. we garden and we talk God and angel talk ..
    and we become more of who God intended us to be by humbling ourselves to what is ..

    When I stay in my business I am who God intended me to be ..
    Three kinds of business ..
    Mine ..

    for the two of you .. I am most thankful ...
    Blessing headed your way .. big gobs of love .. the unconditional kind .. lets share our blessings to become as God would have us be .. vessels that he can use to pour out His love and gratitude !!

    Be Well .. Happy and well in the midst of total sadness, and loss ..

    I got my bounce back going on ... I send it to you .. Carol sent it to me ..

    life is circles within circles ... circles of never ending change and growth .. of love and being loved ..


    27 days ago
    I am glad you found a group that can understand what you are going through. It takes time. Good luck on your bid
    27 days ago
    Bobbi, I scrolled down and saw the last part of your blog first, of you and Don in happier days, so was already teary-eyed when I went back to the top and started reading. I'm so sorry you have to go home to a dark, empty house (well, almost empty--let's not forget little pink-nose!). I lived alone in early adulthood, and after getting married and having children and not living alone for more than thirty years now, I can't imagine going back to the silence. My heart goes out to you for having to endure those lonely nights. Heck, even when there are people around, nighttime is still sometimes hard. Sadness and fear are amplified, and hope can shrivel to what feels like a withered bud. But then the next day the sun comes out again, everything seems more bearable, and hope blossoms forth again. I'm glad there are still fulfilling things to do, like the grief group and the amazing chalk painting. I definitely want to see that chest when you're finished with it. I can't believe how perfect a choice you found for the accent paper. You will sell that little cutie in NO time! (Even faster if I lived in the US and could stop by!)

    I wish you luck with the whole-house projects! Keep us posted!
    27 days ago
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    27 days ago
    Bobbi, you are just amazing! Last Thursday was the 7th anniversary of Peter's death and I was a wreck...
    You are doing great my friend. Yes some days it feels like it was yesterday and some days like it was so long ago. The pain gets duller, but never completely go away. But you know that. Keeping busy and engaging your creativity is the best thing to do.
    27 days ago
    the group of friends must know what they lay up here on earth will one day turn to rust & ash . All that glitters is not gold It is what they lay up for eternity with the Lord that is if they believe in Him !!
    I had to laugh one time my sister in law called & wanted to know why gary & I did nit have a new car sitting in our drive way,as she had to have a new one every year. I was stunned I said I do not have to keep up with you or my neighbors.My husband tried to tell them years ago to invest they would NOT they spent spent spent. We invested and now live comfortably we looked down the road 36 years ago of our future for today. Now it is for them "woe is me "the same goes for my cousin & her husband spent the ole mighty dollar lived high off the hog & now have nothing for their retirement !! Then look down their noses at Gary and I because of what we have & do.
    My husband & I went to 21 viewings & funerals since June family ,friends & neighbors a lot of them was from cancer. However last week my cousin 19 years old called his Mom said " I love you Mom' Then hung himself. She was so overecome with grief she could not even stand up at the viewing He was so depressed & could not get out of it .
    I pray for your wisdom & strength Bobbi as you struggle with the loss of Don .Do you think you will ever retire fron the consignment buisness?
    28 days ago
    Can't wait to see the finished piece. I know it will be one-of-a-kind. And there will be no way anyone can copy it.
    How about meeting up with just a couple of your gals from the grief support. Can always go to the big group, and then ever so often just call up one of the others gals, they might like it as much as you would, especially on the bad days, when you just think you can't go home to an empty house. I know there is always Mack Kat, and I bet you do talk to him, but he just doesn't seem to answer you back. Take care, and know we are thinking of you. And I agree those evenings and nights would be the worse.
    Good luck with the bidding on those houses of furniture, can't wait to see what you got. And I think the coloring on that chair adds character to it. I would love it.
    28 days ago
    emoticon emoticon one day at a time, you will get through this you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.
    28 days ago
    Always new and interesting pieces. I love the cabinet ou are working on and can't wait to see the finished product! I know things are difficult for you but you are doing such a great job of putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward.
    28 days ago
    emoticon One step at a time, one day at a time. emoticon emoticon
    28 days ago
    Great that opportunities are opening for you in your business and you're sounding positive again. Your new group of friends seem to be helping you to get through the hard times. You have a talent for the furniture business and love when you share those pieces with us! emoticon
    28 days ago
    Lovely picture of you and Don. Good luck in the days to come
    and lean on us if you need to because we love you dearly. emoticon
    28 days ago
    This is a great blog and I very much like your tone. The positive seems to outweigh the negative and you are busy, and productive. This is all good news.
    28 days ago
  • LYNCHD05
    Bobbi, youalways amaze me with how well you are doing. Thanks for sharing what you are going through. Big hugs to you.

    I hope,you get that furniture. Sounds perfect for you.....l
    28 days ago
    I absolutely adore the piece you are working on. I think that wallpaper really makes it special. I would use that wallpaper as a table top in another piece. I guess I really like it. Had to laugh when you said nice people but shallow and can only take them with two glasses of wine. I have a close relative like that. It takes me closer to three glasses to endure listening to “me, me, me without any deep conclusions or realizations, all boring fluff talk. Everything just for show. Feel sorry for those folks who really never have a spiritual connection with anyone, even their spouse as people find each other who are the same.
    28 days ago
    28 days ago
    Thanks for sharing your journey. Something I dread going through for sure. Maybe I’ll be lucky and go first. It is hardest for the survivor. Xoxo. emoticon emoticon
    28 days ago
    I was thinking about you today, so glad you decided to write this blog. You are certainly going to have good and bad days for awhile as you already know, but you are doing the best you can and that is all you can do. Stay strong my friend with the knowledge you are loved and always have a place where you can vent and share your feelings in a safe place. emoticon emoticon
    28 days ago
    It's so hard Bobbi, it's been 32 years and anything can set me off. Fortunately Ken understands this. Never thought I'd marry again but this world is strange. Love you Bobbi emoticon emoticon
    28 days ago
    Good luck! I hope your bid wins and you get the furniture. emoticon
    28 days ago
    I was thinking of you today and planned to email you tomorrow. Thanks for the update. You are doing great.
    28 days ago
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