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I'm scared I'll go back...

Monday, November 04, 2019

I try to be positive and encouraging when I put something on here but the truth is I'm reaching a point where I'm feeling two contrasting emotions:
#1 - this isn't that hard, I've got this figured out. I'm going to change my life!!
#2- this has never been that hard, You've thought you had this figured out before. What if you go back to how it was before?

It's crazy. I still am amazed that I've been losing weight and changing my body.
I spent about 25 years feeling hopeless and not even believing in myself or the process. I mean if I never believed it would work then it wasn't too disappointing when I let myself down. Now I'm really scared. I am feeling so good and enjoying the rewards that come with better health and fitness. Now that I know I can do this... it feels like a lot of pressure to not allow myself to backslide. And I don't do well with pressure.

I constantly have to fight urges to self-sabotage. I also have to be careful to not become overly obsessed with every carb and leads to unhealthy habits like binging when I do not match up to what I expect is right. I'm tired of this good food/bad food mentality. I think that's one of the biggest issues. If you don't have an addiction or an unhealthy diet...then food is just food...some choices better for you than others but none that should cause you such pain or guilt. I guess that's what I'm striving for right now. A relationship with food that is healthy and reasonable. And a mindset that knows it's okay to have some Nutella "occasionally" and it not be a big deal.

YES... NUTELLA... I don't even usually like Nutella but I had some this weekend and I put way too much energy into worrying about it. And instead of being okay with having a little... I felt so much guilt that I justified having a lot more.... almost an entire little jar in the past two days. See.... there is that unhealthy binging thing that is no fun to talk about. But it's the truth. And I guess I'm scared that one day I'll let something like that really derail me. But not today...I'm moving on and building on the healthy things I've incorporated in my life.

So to end on a positive note... here are a few inspirational things!!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    So many good ideas posted here by other Sparkers. Great comments.
    I understand so much of what you posted. All or nothing thinking never works because no one is perfect. It's our own journey that we design and change over time. It takes awhile to transition from diet mentality to thinking of it as a lifestyle that is sustainable and even enjoyable. It may not look like anyone else's plan, and that's ok. It's what works for us.
    I love the three quotes. I've used them myself. I keep a folder on my computer of helpful quotes that I browse when I need extra motivation.
    515 days ago
    Thank you for your comments on my blog! This one of yours really resonates with me. It feels good to know that these struggles aren't experienced only by me. I, too, need to get rid of that "all or nothing" mentality and be okay with just having "some" and realizing that this will not be the last time I will ever put Food X into my mouth and enjoy it.
    517 days ago
  • HOLLYM48
    This is not an easy journey and each day is full of choices. I wish I could say it is easy once you reach maintenance, but it is just as much about being diligent about choices, stopping when you are feeling satisfied, not finishing what is on your plate just because it tastes so darn good.
    I wish you the best as you continue your journey. Do your best and try not to feel guilty about what you eat that is not the best choice. This is for life so don't deprive yourself, just eat it in your calorie range.
    You can do this!
    520 days ago
  • no profile photo CD25202751
    emoticon emoticon
    531 days ago
  • NANCY-
    You are not alone with the struggle.
    Making a change is challenging, but it can be done.
    At least I believe it can be done, as I have seen other do it.
    531 days ago
  • BEDA65
    I'm sorry this is such a struggle for you. I do think it is probably more normal than not. Since I am just getting started, I have not had your struggle yet.
    You however, have done amazing things and I think you should celebrate where you have come from everyday.
    I wholeheartedly agree with PositiveHope's kind and supportive words to you. She wrote a blog in a blog! I hope people come here and read it, I think the things she had to say are very important.

    WE DO NOT HAVE TO BE PERFECT. WE ARE ALL ON INDIVIDUAL JOURNEYS AND MUST DO WHAT IS BEST FOR OURSELVES. We want it to be a slow process. We want to make the changes we are working on to be a way of living, not a short fix. You have a great foundation. You are now building the new you upon it!

    Spark On!
    531 days ago
    Your honesty is encouraging.
    532 days ago
    Thank you for being honest, and sharing how you really feel.
    532 days ago
    We all feel that way.

    In the beginning, we figure out what to eat and we track it and we try to move more. It actually feels easy. Because it feels easy we think if I can just keep this up I can reach my goal.

    It works for a while and then our head issues surface and that good feeling is replaced with fear.

    This is what I recently learned. I needed to face my own issues. These are mostly Beth’s words.

    I wanted to keep following my journey PERFECTLY because I liked how that felt. This is why that’s a bad idea.
    Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgement and blame.” Brené Brown.

    I want to be perfect so I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgement and blame.

    Perfect is an unachievable goal. It’s a vicious cycle.
    1) All or nothing thinking
    2) Insatiable Drive to continue the journey. Slips cause me to focus on flaws which leads to fear and decreasing satisfaction
    3) I’m afraid I’ll Burnout. I begin to FEEL helpless, hopeless and frustrated
    4) Then I feel depressed and angry at myself. I feel stuck, overwhelmed, failure.
    5) I give up. I quit. I regain and all the reasons I had for starting this journey reappear.
    6) I decide to TRY again. I find the courage to start again and that re-reignites my motivation.

    So back to your slip, your stumble and your Nutella.
    Stop the cycle of failure right now!

    Accept that slips are normal. You are NOT broken. Stop listening to the negative head talk. You can learn to deal with a slip. We all screw up. There is no perfect eating or exercise plan. A slip is only one choice out of 30 good choices for the week. If you can keep your slips to 20% or less it can still work. Yes, it can.

    Better goal; Strive for more progress every day, every meal and every hour is a new beginning. Put it behind you. Empower yourself and toss the Nutella in the trash. I’m not ready for you to live in my house, YET!

    It is NOT about what’s on your fork. It’s about what’s in your head.
    Two choices:
    1. Diet mentality and deprive yourself into thinness and rely of Perfectionism which ALWAYS fails.
    2. Get healthy, build a lifestyle focus on PROGRESS. Progress ALWAYS works.

    532 days ago
  • READY201811
    I know all about self Sabotage and trying to,fight self destructive patterns. Yo-yo dieting, thinking and lifestyle. Not sure over overcome it.
    532 days ago
  • MANUEL02
    wow this crazyy !
    532 days ago
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