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75 lbs lost!

Monday, October 21, 2019

So at last, I reversed the course I was heading in, and lost the weight I had put back on. I have lost a total of 75lbs since starting 3.75 years ago! Honestly, it doesn't feel like much of an accomplishment, because I'm kind of weirded out that I gained it in the first place. But, I did it all myself, with no help from anyone, no doctors, no gym membership, nothing but my own knowledge and willpower. So that's something. At least I still have some level of control in my own life.

I have realized though that given my illness, and perhaps being older, the same weight does not look the same on me, as it did when last I was here. I do not have nearly as much muscle mass, and I think I also have lost bone mass. So it's heavier than it used to be. And since my disease prevents me from building muscle much, as hard as I might try, I've decided that I will need to lose a final roughly 15 lbs, for my body to work efficiently and to be the same size I used to be. That way I would be able to wear my old clothes, feel comfortable and confident in myself, and also refrain from the fat that now tends to accumulate on my middle which can have health consequences as I age. It would be nice to go back to wearing the same clothes I wore in my 20s too, which fit my personal style better and made me feel happier and more myself! At the moment, I can get them on, but they're a bit tight on me, and don't fit in the right places - my body composition is all off from what it used to be, much more fat and less muscle, fat instead of accumulating on my upper half, now has slid down to accumulating in my stomach and thighs and butt.

So mostly, I'm relieved I got this far! And, it makes me a bit more motivated to just finish this up finally, and get where I've been trying to go. Losing weight for 4 years in a row is stressful and time consuming, particularly because I have medical issues that make it very difficult to accomplish. I really would like to reach my ultimate goal by my 4 year mark in 3.5 months, and then just focusing on toning as much as possible thereafter. I would like to be able to transition to maintenance phase, which I haven't really been all that successful at before - most of my life I'm either losing or gaining (although never at the extreme amounts of this last time). I would like to see if I can do it this time, if I'm really focused at being mindful and calm and successful at just staying stable. I think usually I don't succeed, because I just don't put much planning into it - it's kind of an unintentional byproduct of whatever else is happening in my life. I think if I tried very consciously to maintain where I'm at, and work on muscle, I might actually be able to stay there. Which would certainly improve my confidence a lot.

Anyway, this is a big milestone for me. It's a significant amount of weight lost, and I do look very different. I don't actually feel any different, but that's only because I am still sick, and how terrible I felt was really unrelated to my weight in the first place. My medical status has not changed. But it certainly is easier to move, and overall I'm sure the loss of extra weight is probably better long term for my joints, my bloodwork, etc. I don't have access to doctors though to be able to do a comparison of numbers before and after, unfortunately. Certainly anyone who is trying to lose a significant amount of weight, I would recommend to take a lot of pictures at different angles, and to get full bloodwork and physical done, so you can compare as you make progress. Seeing changes in those numbers, or in how much you can do of specific exercises, and in having complete measurements of your body, can really help when you might be feeling weak and depleted or tired and frustrated - it helps to see that progress is coming in cm lost, reps done, minutes walked, blood sugar lowered, whatever, when weight itself doesn't seem to be changing. For me, I am mostly focused on fat loss, so seeing that change is enough of a motivator that not having the rest to compare to doesn't matter!

I do feel a little happier, which was the goal. I have a ways to go, but in the course of this journey, I have found things that work for me that change some of the way my disease was progressing, and that make me feel a little more like my old self, pre-illness. And any little bit of joy, helps a ton! :) It makes all my next steps in life, so much easier.
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