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Just where I am at Right Now!

Thursday, October 17, 2019

Recently I've been riddled with high anxiety. I tend to be anxious anyway, but it's gotten worse. My obsessive thoughts and sense of dread have increased too. My depression finally is getting better, but the anxiety is making day to day living difficult. I hope it won't exacerbate the depression.

I became a Spark people Motivator years back for being positive. I haven't felt that positive in a long time.

My weight has skyrocketed in the past year and a half. The binge eating and also eating out too often have contributed to most of it. While I am absolutely SICK of people asking me if I'm pregnant or how far along I am, I am not in the correct healthy mind frame to work on my weight. I can stop buying the junk food I binge on or walk more often, but sometimes even doing small things trigger obsessive distorted views of working on the weight. perfectionism and more binge eating. This may sound like excuses,but this is my reality. I am not as motivated as I once was either.

Right now, I'm focusing on bettering my mental health. But my obesity is waring on me emotionally. When people ask me if I'm pregnant I make light...I tell them "No I carry all my weight there and I love my chips and cookies." Then I smile and laugh. But later I cry.

I think most people would say enough is enough and do something! Ugh! But I'm not in a good head space to make all of the changes necessary. Maybe I should just pick one thing. I can say it will not be logging my food. That is what helped me lose weight in the past, but the counting calories also triggered the Binge Eating disorder.

I'm not sure where to start, but I am willing to make one small change. It has to be simple. I get overwhelmed quite easily these days.

Thanks in advance for your support! And a big Thank you to those of you already helping me get through this season of depression and anxiety!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • JIBBIE49
    I have been a Sparker for 13 yrs but finally dropped 50# after getting on Metformin. Do think about getting on medication for anxiety, as it is caused by some chemical missing in our brain. I had depression, and by getting on Prozac, I just felt NORMAL and not like I was down in a hole with no energy.

    Go to Youtube and listen to an interview my doctor gave.

    236 days ago
  • TWYLA053
    I recently came back to SparkPeople after a long time of absenteeism. I came back the heaviest I have ever been. My motivation came from one of life's most embarrassing moments. I was really happy when I saw you were still an active member. I have suffered from depression my whole life. With Covid and the election and the uncertainty about the future - it has taken a toll on my anxiety levels as well. Girl you have no idea how many times in the past you made me laugh and cheered me up. I only wish I could do the same for you. Logging what I eat is the only way for me to shut my mouth and quit shoving food in it. And it helps me make better choices when I do eat. Exercise is where my downfall is. I am worse than a couch potato. Hang in there. So many of us are struggling. Hopefully we can pull together and help each other.
    260 days ago
    This is a powerful articulate post. When you are ready the shift will happen.
    505 days ago
  • 10XPERLB
    I'm a returnee to sparkpeople myself,...also got awards for blog and other spark popularity awards for something (forget what) Anyway the point is I was binging 3-4 days out of seven, overeating and put back on 25 of the original 55 pounds I lost. I do count calories but not 1 for 1 each. I keep the number rounded off at the 50-cal mark (50, 100, 150, 200, 250 etc. 1650 the end game goal) So from there I simplify numbers even more in a little notebook tally (1/2 instead of 50, 1 instead of 100, 1 1/2 instead of 150 etc 16 1/2)

    The results of easy handwritten count is this: I got out of the regaining phase, then held the scale steady for 4 months, now I'm in the re-losing phase.... all the while keeping tabs in my little notebook. What I'm saying is the binging will phase out, you will be reunited with your resolve to get this weight-show on the road again. Be honest about quantity during binges, track it all....

    In the meanwhile I kept making 3 meals a day (dividing nutrition in to three meals) a general daily pattern goal (obviously some days I got it, sometimes more days …. just keep practicing at it.... today, I keep practicing at it) get my water quota in and try for the 10-minute exercise plan. I redirect my obsessiveness revising recipes to fit inside 450-550 calories so any meal can be swapped for any other meal.

    I know you'll hate that tracking part but the better part of you eventually saves you from yourself, because those binge numbers will insult you once too many times. Your better self gets "fed up" with being hi-jacked by binges~ You'll revolt! and the binging will again become a thing of the past (& hopefully binging will be staying in the past longer this time around)

    Remember for us bingers the fight isn't about forever, it's just for emoticon today & tonight emoticon
    emoticon emoticon
    524 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/16/2020 12:07:24 PM
  • _CYNDY55_
    542 days ago
    I'm so sorry I did not see your post when it was first posted. I miss a lot of things, and don't know much when it comes to spark people at times. I would have posted to this earlier if I had seen it, Cynthia.
    PEOPLE CAN BE SO IGNORANT. People, I believe, normally would not ask such a question of someone.
    I have weight to lose right now, Cynthia, and I've been carrying it for some time. I feel stressed, anxious, worrying about things I cannot control., but when I feel this anxiety building up I have a conversation with God, who has blessed me in so many ways. Sometimes we need to talk with a closest friend, a family member or maybe a Minister or a Counselor, but we need that talk . That is what I do, but there are times I put it off a little longer than I should.
    If these are people who know you well enough then I feel they are being totally ignorant, and have to know better. Some times, Cynthia, I think people enjoy being hurtful.
    I hope you are feeling better, and remember you are very special, and a Child of God, we all are.
    My thoughts and prayers are with you, my dear Spark Friend.
    emoticon Love and emoticon prayers, Janis
    588 days ago
    Thank you for sharing....
    Those of us without OBsessive Compulsive factors really can't begin to give advice. It is a totally different world and I don't live in it and don't understand the implications.

    I can say, You are on my prayer list...have a virtual Hug...You are a daughter of the King of Kings!
    610 days ago
    emoticon for your bravery in sharing, Cynthia. emoticon
    You know I applaud emoticon your plan to focus on babysteps! emoticon emoticon emoticon I like the idea of replacement. Instead of focusing on 'I won't X' (a negative) or even 'I will Y' (which may feel like an obligation or a burden), maybe you can think 'Instead of X, I will Z'--which focuses on making a better choice.

    I don't know if that makes sense, or resonates with you. I just know that having felt powerless in the past, I really like having options, and thinking in terms of choices I get to make. It makes me feel more powerful and capable. I wish you all the best, and support you in your journey.
    emoticon Blessed Be, Amanda emoticon
    614 days ago
    I am so sorry you are going through this. I understand the binge eating and emotional eating. I gained back 26 pounds over the summer from that!! And you are right, pick one thing and work on that. Something simple like no soda's, switch to Crystal Light (they have a strawberry drink that has caffeine and I can't taste the artificial sweetener in it, but it is sweet, I like it!) or no chips, something you know you can give up and have alternatives for. Take it one month at a time and if that is too much just one day, one meal at a time. Slow and steady. emoticon

    614 days ago
    I have been exactly where you are, and quite recently, too. Most of my tough times occur in late evening after my spouse has gone to bed. After being a night owl all my life and knowing it wasn’t good for me I finally hit on a reward that works to get me to bed. We generally have tv time together from 8 pm- 10pm. We now run to our bedroom tv at 9pm and snuggle during the last show. We talk on the commercials about the show and other things. At 10:01, he is snoring away and eventually I get to sleep too. My alarm is set for 6am and I actually have time to get a few things done before going out instead of rushing to get ready. The turning point for me was reading again and again about the diseases we prevent with adequate sleep. I easily was consuming an extra thousand calories during my late night tv time and also shopping on line. After losing weight the first time through excessive exercise and then gaining the hundred plus pounds back when my knees couldn’t take the jogging, I knew I had to find a way to decrease my binges. This is what is working for me and I know that when you are ready you will find a good choice for you.
    615 days ago
  • LINDA!
    My DD also carries her weight in her belly. So many times people ask me or her when the baby is due. I know that must hurt - so sorry that you hear these remarks. I also carry so much anxiety. Talking to a therapist really helps. It is not easy, but keep focusing on the positive. emoticon
    615 days ago
  • DEE_DEE2623
    I agree, you do have to be in the right frame of mind to start or restart the health and fitness journey. I think accepting yourself and honoring yourself exactly as you are is very important. Then, I'd say make small incremental changes that you're ready for and that won't trigger you. I've had to take a break from it and am coming back to spark with the mindset that small positive changes are the way to go and it's okay not to be perfect! Hang in there. emoticon
    615 days ago
    Just focus on one thing. Humans are not really good at multitasking. It takes 2-4 weeks to get on a habit. Then focus on another. Each day is a fresh start. You can do this!
    615 days ago
    I hear you, Sister !
    615 days ago
  • GEORGE815
    Do the best you can with the anxiety. I know I am a more binge eater when I am anxiety driven. Good luck.
    615 days ago
    emoticon Thank you for opening up and sharing your struggles. It can be a lonely time and place when your thoughts and emotions have such an impact on your choices. I will be praying that you find your one small change that turns things around for you. emoticon
    615 days ago
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