Hello, dear sparklers!
I wish I could say I'm doing better but if I did it would be a lie. I am having a really, really hard time without my dear sweet husband. It's been almost 3 months so I guess I am where I should be...whatever that means.
There is no timeline on grief...it's different for everyone. It took me 3 long sad years slogging through the loss of our dear son who we lost in 2006, and I don't know that I ever gained full equilibrium ever,
I joined Sparkpeople in 2009 and looking back on my blogs the wounds were still SO fresh. I blogged through many of my feelings and it seemed to help me get the thoughts that were bouncing around in my head out and on paper...uh..I mean computer.
I'm hoping the same thing will happen with the grief I'm processing with the loss of my hubby. I'm not feeling any relief as of yet.
Everyone in my 3-dimensional world say I'm doing so well...well...they aren't seeing the process from the inside out by any means. It's something no one can fully understand unless they have experienced it themselves.
That's why my grief counselor kept after me to try the group concept instead of my one on one sessions with her. I told her I'm not really a 'groupie' type of person. I had a pretty miserable experience when I tried the group experience after the loss of our dear son when he was only 22 years old. I went to that group just wanting to hear from someone...anyone...that had walked in my shoes that I would survive and I would be able to live and contribute to this world as a semi-normal human being...someday. Instead I met two women that were so distraught and so destroyed I thought they must have just lost their children very recently. No...as it turns out one was 8 years ago and the other one lost her son 6 years before.
That set me back on my heels...I just did not want to go down that rabbit hole and live in such a state of grief that they could not...would not...attempt to live their lives after.
I think that group would have been MUCH more destructive than productive in helping parents move forward.
So...you can see where my hesitation comes from. But...I can't judge that group on what this group may have to offer and I must say this leader is fully trained on how to help people move forward rather than living in their sadness to the extent it is destructive.
As I recall...I don't even remember a formal leader with the parent's group...I'm sure there had to be one...I just was in such a state of sadness at the time I don't remember.
I'm feeling pretty dismal right now. It really seems that everything I'm doing doesn't have much purpose. Yes, I go out with my friends, yes, I go to work, yes, I come home to my Mackelmore cat each night but things look pretty purposeless to me.
Maybe it's because I've never really been on my own for my entire life. I've always had someone to take care of, to be engaged with, to love and to love me back.
It's a weird and strange feeling and I haven't quite gotten a handle on it but I have to keep working on this new strange world for me. It does no good to look backward, we really have no choice but to put one foot in front of the other and make our way as best we can.
I've got to write down some goals and try and muster up some enthusiasm for pushing into a new life.
Grief seems to be love that has nowhere to go. I'm pondering where I can put that love that I had for my dear husband in my new world...it's hard my friends...hard but necessary.
I'll be letting you know how the grief group goes...as I said last time it seemed weird that so many men were there...now I know men grieve too and they have every right to be there but it just seems that some of the things they focus on seem to be foreign to me. Who needs to announce in a group setting that they are healthy? Who needs to attempt to share their Match.com experiences (which the leader immediately shut down), who needs to blather on that they were a Dale Carnegie leader and they are extremely positive?
I don't know...maybe it's just me...I can't help but feel like these men are no so much centered on their grief process but are more focused on finding another woman to take care of them.
I'm telling you it's a strange dynamic...but I like some of the ladies so I'm going to give it the good ole' college try...we shall see what we shall see. Keep praying for me my friends...keep praying I keep my yap shut and don't tell these men off for being so darn inappropriate!
I mean it's a grief group..not a new husband try out...rolling out your credentials..right?