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Another group grief meeting tomorrow...we'll see how it goes.

Monday, September 16, 2019

Hello, dear sparklers!

I wish I could say I'm doing better but if I did it would be a lie. I am having a really, really hard time without my dear sweet husband. It's been almost 3 months so I guess I am where I should be...whatever that means.

There is no timeline on grief...it's different for everyone. It took me 3 long sad years slogging through the loss of our dear son who we lost in 2006, and I don't know that I ever gained full equilibrium ever,

I joined Sparkpeople in 2009 and looking back on my blogs the wounds were still SO fresh. I blogged through many of my feelings and it seemed to help me get the thoughts that were bouncing around in my head out and on paper...uh..I mean computer.

I'm hoping the same thing will happen with the grief I'm processing with the loss of my hubby. I'm not feeling any relief as of yet.

Everyone in my 3-dimensional world say I'm doing so well...well...they aren't seeing the process from the inside out by any means. It's something no one can fully understand unless they have experienced it themselves.

That's why my grief counselor kept after me to try the group concept instead of my one on one sessions with her. I told her I'm not really a 'groupie' type of person. I had a pretty miserable experience when I tried the group experience after the loss of our dear son when he was only 22 years old. I went to that group just wanting to hear from someone...anyone...that had walked in my shoes that I would survive and I would be able to live and contribute to this world as a semi-normal human being...someday. Instead I met two women that were so distraught and so destroyed I thought they must have just lost their children very recently. No...as it turns out one was 8 years ago and the other one lost her son 6 years before.

That set me back on my heels...I just did not want to go down that rabbit hole and live in such a state of grief that they could not...would not...attempt to live their lives after.

I think that group would have been MUCH more destructive than productive in helping parents move forward.

So...you can see where my hesitation comes from. But...I can't judge that group on what this group may have to offer and I must say this leader is fully trained on how to help people move forward rather than living in their sadness to the extent it is destructive.

As I recall...I don't even remember a formal leader with the parent's group...I'm sure there had to be one...I just was in such a state of sadness at the time I don't remember.

I'm feeling pretty dismal right now. It really seems that everything I'm doing doesn't have much purpose. Yes, I go out with my friends, yes, I go to work, yes, I come home to my Mackelmore cat each night but things look pretty purposeless to me.

Maybe it's because I've never really been on my own for my entire life. I've always had someone to take care of, to be engaged with, to love and to love me back.

It's a weird and strange feeling and I haven't quite gotten a handle on it but I have to keep working on this new strange world for me. It does no good to look backward, we really have no choice but to put one foot in front of the other and make our way as best we can.

I've got to write down some goals and try and muster up some enthusiasm for pushing into a new life.

Grief seems to be love that has nowhere to go. I'm pondering where I can put that love that I had for my dear husband in my new world...it's hard my friends...hard but necessary.

I'll be letting you know how the grief group goes...as I said last time it seemed weird that so many men were there...now I know men grieve too and they have every right to be there but it just seems that some of the things they focus on seem to be foreign to me. Who needs to announce in a group setting that they are healthy? Who needs to attempt to share their Match.com experiences (which the leader immediately shut down), who needs to blather on that they were a Dale Carnegie leader and they are extremely positive?

I don't know...maybe it's just me...I can't help but feel like these men are no so much centered on their grief process but are more focused on finding another woman to take care of them.

I'm telling you it's a strange dynamic...but I like some of the ladies so I'm going to give it the good ole' college try...we shall see what we shall see. Keep praying for me my friends...keep praying I keep my yap shut and don't tell these men off for being so darn inappropriate!

I mean it's a grief group..not a new husband try out...rolling out your credentials..right? emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • NEWFLABULESS
    I feel so sad for you and no one can imagine what you are going through because all of our lives are so different from one another. I have found that focusing on the fact that I am here for a purpose gets me through the tough times and losses that I have endured. It's never easy but there has to be a bigger picture and reason beyond our sight for all of this. Many HUGS and prayers to you!
    5 hours ago
  • MERRILEEP
    I am back after a long absence... I am so very sorry to hear about your sweet husband’s passing. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling. We all grieve differently and there is no right or wrong way. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
    13 days ago
  • PICKIE98
    You will find the silver lining in this group:maybe you will bond with some of the women outside of the meetings. You will learn how to guide yourself towards who or what meets your needs. It is not a rushed timetable, it is transitioning into another realm of YOUR life.
    Your loving spirits are guiding you, hands on your shoulders. Remember when you talked about Josh with Don? They are now together doing the same about you.
    Talk, journal.. maybe this will lead to a new path of writing in your life. Make one new normal a day.
    Just suggestions my dear friend.
    You have our phone numbers...
    22 days ago
  • BUTTONPOPPER1
    Bobbi, I am so sorry you have been feeling Don's loss so intensely. My heart goes out to you. I admire you for your attitude, though, the way you are courageously facing each new day. I hope you get farther through this dark tunnel and begin to see the light very soon. Onward, my friend.

    Lordy--the guys in your grief group with their "for sale" signs--I have a feeling the price would be way too high!
    emoticon


    24 days ago
  • WALKINGSPARK
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    25 days ago
  • LINDA!
    I am sure that 3 months is not near enough time to get over your grief. You spent so many years with your DH. It isn't easy to be alone after that amount of time. Especially considering you also lost your sweet son. Praying for you.
    29 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/18/2019 9:14:17 PM
  • JUDYAMK
    Like i told you before those men maybe looking for a quick hook up BEWARE !! I mentioned before when I worked in the Pharmcay husbands wives passed away & the next week they are in the store buying condoms,so to me they were whoring around on their dear wife long before she passed away.
    Bobbi I cannot even fathom your loss the only thing I can do is for me to continue to pray for peace for you,& wisdom in making the right decisions when yo have other issues that may come up.
    Hugs ( Judy )
    29 days ago
  • GOLFGMA
    As a woman of faith I know your best source is prayer and yes, I will pray for your relief knowing God will send it when the time is right. You are not alone even though the feeling is there. Matthew 6:8 emoticon
    29 days ago
  • DMILLER33
    Everyone grieves differently and it is a process. Three months isn't very long so I am not shocked your are still having a hard time. I am glad to hear you are doing your daily routine. Work at least gets you out of the house. Stick with the few women in the group to see if they have potential to be a small "support group." I will keep you in my prayers.
    29 days ago
  • REGILIEH
    Keeping you in my prayers. Keep the faith! emoticon
    29 days ago
  • KSNANA2
    I hope the group will help. And if the leader is a good one that will make a lot of difference. I had a disappointing experience with a cancer support group many years ago that the leader just let a woman take charge and wail and moan about her tiny little lumpectomy, when there were others of us with much more advanced cases that couldn't get in a word or question. A good leader would have been appreciated then.

    Hang in there until you find the help you need, and the friends to support you.

    30 days ago
  • TERMITEMOM
    Bobbi, everybody processes grief differently. There is no timeline. And you will never fully "recover". You just need to live "around" it and make a new life for yourself, new habits, etc. You are brave and you can do it. Be kind to yourself and let time do its work.
    30 days ago
  • GOING-STRONG
    emoticon emoticon
    30 days ago
  • GARDENCHRIS
    everyone goes through grief in different way, just know that holding it all in is not healthy either. emoticon emoticon we are here for you
    30 days ago
  • SHOAPIE
    Oh, the differences and experiences of men versus women. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. It can take a long time to learn to live on your own when you’ve never done it. But it is achievable! emoticon emoticon
    30 days ago
  • LYNCHD05
    Bobbi, I too would be offended by these men. You are right....they are shopping for a replacement.
    I can’t even imagine what you are going through. Thank goodness you have your gallery and your rescue kitty. It helps keep you going each day.
    We are all here for you....
    30 days ago
  • MARINGAL
    Dearest Bobbi, grief is cruel and painful. There is no doubt about it. And it is important to go through the stages as painful as it is. But just remember, you are surrounded by so much love in your life. Be good to yourself, and although you may feel it a lot, you are definitely not alone. xoxo.
    30 days ago
  • KATRINAKAT23
    I know you will be ok but as you know it takes a lot of time and working through things. I agree, men handle things different than women, you know that old saying men are from Mars, women from Venus. Treat yourself with kindness, try to do things you like and see your friends as much as possible. Keep blogging too, we are al here for you, we care and it at least lets you get it out on paper (so to speak).
    30 days ago
  • PACEKA1
    I wish there was something I could say that would help you through all this but I think you just have to live it. I'm certainly not very experienced in loss - although losing my father was very hard and it took a very long time to feel like myself again. Know that we are all there for you whenever you need us! I'm with you about the men in the grief group. Seems like they are more about what great guys they are than sharing their feelings. I hope it goes well today!

    I'll be with you in spirit!
    30 days ago
  • IMUSTLOSEIT1
    You are so right not to think that there is a certain way a person must grieve. Everyone is different. And watch those men, their grief is also a whole different category. I had a guy come into the cafe that I worked at for awhile, who had lost his wife the month before, ask me if I knew any single women in there 50-60 that he could call on, as he just lost his wife, and he had never cooked meal, never washed his clothes, didn't know nothing about the house finances, didn't know anything about what his wife had done for him, and he needed a wife badly. That just blew my mind. All he needed was a housekeeper, but they cost money, so he needed a new wife. SAD.
    30 days ago
  • MEADSBAY
    I just cannot even imagine the pain of losing your dear life mate, and your dear son years ago.
    I, too, have never lived on my own and will need your help to get through it when it happens, which it likely will.
    My son has a terminal illness and it is just a question of time and my husband does not take very good care of himself...wouldn’t have lived this long (70) without my loving care.
    You are a wise woman and doing great putting one foot in front of the other.
    emoticon

    30 days ago
  • SPARKER-LADY
    Men of a certain age can’t be alone. They were raised to be dependent on a woman in so many ways. Their solution is replacement. I wouldn’t want to hear about match.com in a grief group either.
    30 days ago
  • JUSTME29
    People grieve differently, and everyone is trying to find some thread to "normal". I totally understand how some of that would be off-putting, but these men are struggling too and whatever they are focusing on right now is their thread.
    30 days ago
  • JUDITHANNIE
    Sending hugs and prayers. It's so very hard and I'm not sure you ever really get over a loss completely. I'm very happy with Ken but he understands Alan was my first love and he's not threatened by that. It takes a special man to do this, which Ken is.
    I just lost my mother-in-law Sunday and while I was still unsure of what to do Ken said we are flying home. No question. It's going to be rough but it will give me some closure. Love you and I'm here for you if you need to vent. emoticon
    30 days ago
  • MSLZZY
    emoticon Praying that you find your way through the
    grief now that you are alone. HUGS!
    30 days ago
  • KOALA_BEAR
    Of course you are feeling lost, your life partner is gone. You must have loved him very much so of course these men you meet in group won't measure up. It's ok, we all know that they need a woman to care for them. You hang in the there.🐨
    30 days ago
  • SLIMMERJESSE
    I understand all too well and will write more when I can find the words. And I've experienced that type of dynamic in grief groups. I totally know where you are and how you feel. Big hug.
    30 days ago
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