Weight loss blues
Monday, September 16, 2019
This may sound like an odd or whiny entry, but... it's something I've been thinking for awhile.
I've been overweight for my entire remembered life. I saw some pictures of myself as a toddler and I wasn't then, but I vividly remember being in kindergarten and having a belly. I had this little red skirt, and I could position the skirt above the belly or below it.
All my life, I've had this idea that if only I lost weight, everything would fall into place. I know I'm not alone in this. I've seen this same sentiment expressed by lots of people, and everyone agrees that it ultimately just isn't true. Whatever problems you have in your life may sometimes be made worse by being fat, and some of them may be directly caused by being fat, but even if you could magically become thin overnight, it wouldn't make all of your other problems go away. But it's hard not to think that "If I didn't weigh this much, it would all be so much easier."
So now, I've finally reached a point where I am losing weight. I'm around 178 pounds right now, which is the lowest I've ever been as an adult. The last time I weighed this little, I was probably not even a teenager yet. I always thought that maybe I would be pretty if I lost weight, but you know what? I'm not. Part of the problem is that I have acne (hormone issues that also have contributed to the reason why I've been this fat my entire life) and my skin is messed up from the hundreds of times I've had spots that healed over. But beyond that, I'm just still ugly. You can see my features better now that there's less fat on my face, but it certainly isn't making me any more attractive.
And it's really depressing. I've had an extremely difficult summer (depression is actually the reason why I'm this weight; I went through about six weeks of barely being able to eat and being sick half the time when I did, which caused me to lose over 20 pounds) and this is making it all worse. My thoughts that I could be pretty if only I lost the weight are fading away.
Of course, there are many more reasons to lose weight than just wanting to "look prettier" but still. It hurts to learn that this thing I've always had in the back of my mind was never true.