Tuesday, September 10, 2019
Current Weight: 337
Sunday I hit a huge milestone for myself and it really was in bits of time here and there. I tackled walking 1 lap at the huge track behind my Wal-Mart and I have avoided going there so many times for fear of failure. I made 1 lap and it was super hard and I didn't think I could finish but I HAD to finish to get back to my car. The last stretch I kept saying bible verses to keep myself going, if I had a choice maybe I would of quit if not for the simple fact I had to get back to my car. But, Monday I did not work out at all and perhaps that was the cost I paid for putting in almost 2 miles on Sunday. I felt completely drained as if I could not go on. Sunday I had made the goal for myself to at bare min hit 3,000 steps a day and Sunday I hit that goal so I know I can do it.
I am still disappointed in myself that I did not do something....anything on Monday but it happened and time to move on. As I write this it is nearing almost 2:00 AM for me and tomorrow I am visiting my mom which will be a super stressful day for me as I usually leave there and cry all the way home. I understand this is honest human emotion too in it's raw form and I have tried many ways to find it in myself to allow myself to not feel bad or guilty for wanting to be healthier too and still feel what I feel for my family situation.
Even though I do not and could not have children I have always been the mother influence in my family. I take care of things that has been my role for over 25 years. I need to learn to apply that to myself and my own life as well. So I have been trying to do small things to take care of myself lately. Self-care in whatever form I have a liking to in the moment. I will be 50 next month and as women we literally do not want to look our age I suppose that is the vanity in myself. So I have been doing beauty rituals of skin care for myself which I may even at some point post on the blog, if I have good results of what I am using currently. We all need a helping hand from time to time with all aspects of our lives.
Thursday I am treating myself to going to get my hair done and normally I only do this once a year but it's fundamentally necessary for myself to go again and I am looking forward to going. I think everyone needs a boost at some point in making themselves feel better about themselves. Especially today when I got on the scales and I was back up a pound. My weight fluctuates so much every week it's bordering on ridiculous really.
Sometimes when I look in the mirror I am saddened by what I have let happen to my body and I know I have read all the articles and statistics one day I will see the loose skin. I have been very selective so far in how much I lose and how fast I lose it to avoid as much of it as possible for as long as I can because I do not know yet how I will feel about it and I also know their will be no chance at all for skin removal surgery financially. I have also even considered what my goal weight would actually be and that is something I do not even know yet, but it will be whatever I am happy with when I look in the mirror. I realize vanity is a sin and that is something I do need to work on for myself in the future.
I have also considered we have so many labels attached to us for instance each time I go to the Dr. office I get a e-mail summary before I even leave the parking lot.....Morbidly Obese, GAD which is General Anxiety Disorder when in fact those 2 things may not even be the reason I have went to the Dr. these labels stay part of your chart and you can't change or take them away. I have done the work in trying my best to manage my anxiety without medications because I have been down that road on the medications and the only thing I can say I took away from it was I gained 100 pounds on them and yes I will fight with everything in me to not be on meds again for my anxiety. My anxiety is what led me to God. I was raised in the church and for decades of my life I was lost. Anxiety led me to have a hungry curiosity about what the bible meant and if I could actually be saved or forgiven for parts of my life when I was young that I am less than proud of. I consider myself to be on an exploratory journey of understanding God's word at this stage in my life and it has brought me peace and comfort during my most anxious times and I hope it will continue to do so.
When I was younger I was too busy chasing money to put my health first and this middle stretch of my life I need to be selfish and put myself and body first. I have a ever growing pile of health conditions that put limitations on me on what I can do, how far I can push myself. You feel like your body is betraying you and you have to learn to work around those limitations and find small things you can do to make everything work. My biggest piece of advice would be do not wait....IF you 20-30 or even 40 do not wait to take care of yourself. I always thought I had time, I told myself I would do it later, or do it next year and I didn't I kept chasing money in front of myself.
Sometimes it takes something to happen to humble yourself down to the bottom for you to take a long hard look at what you need versus what you want and evaluate what is more important in your life.