CROUCHINGFLEA
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Day 17/ End Of Day Check In

Tuesday, September 03, 2019



I love this picture, because it speaks volumes. The first half of the day, I could barely get out of bed to go to the bathroom. At 2 I made myself get out of bed and have some coffee and take a shower, I don't want my kids seeing me falling apart like that. So I've exhausted myself spending time with them and trying to be Mom.

I have bipolar. I am not ashamed. It is a flaw in chemistry, not me. I am not bipolar, I have bipolar. I also have fingernails, but I am not fingernails. I am me. And this is just a part of me that I have to deal with. I have not had this bad of a time in a long while. But I'm working with my psychiatrist to get it under control. I was manic just the other day, today I'm sinking fast into a bad depression. I hope the medication change helps soon.

I messaged my DH at one point and told him what was going on. You know what his response was? Eat some ice cream and think about something happy. I love this man more than words can express.

I got the kids to help with cleaning, along with doing their homework and such. I worked on my main goals for Eat That Frog Workbook.

I also weighed myself. I feel so horrible. I'm up 26 pounds. I'm at 192, ever so close to the number I swore I'd never be at again: 200. I don't even know what I ate today. I ate what was easy because I didn't have the energy for anything else. I said I was going to start working out today, but I have to clean the treadmill today, and when you are this depressed, those kind of things are like huge mountains that requires so much energy they seem impossible.

So, I'm doing what I can. I know I'm lacking in the sleep department, so sleeping some extra is fine, to help catch up on sleep, but I don't want to do too much and fall into the depression trap. It's a fine line.

I'll try to check in, but if I don't it is because I'm just having a hard time getting by. I'm hoping I can at least log on and spin the wheel, I want to keep my spark streak going!

~Flea
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • RREDFORD5
    Hugs and prayers. I know you'll come through to the other side of this; here's to sooner rather than later. Take care!
    73 days ago
  • JAXEMBEE
    I love that picture too xxx

    I'm lucky in that depression doesn't cause as big a swing in my moods as bi-polar does but, exactly as you say, you're doing everything you can. Ice cream? Absolutely! A supportive hubby makes a huge difference.
    I'm sure I don't need to remind you that raised cortisol and lack of sleep are renowned for causing an upward trend in the scale so just focus on eating as healthily as you can (except for the ice cream which of course doesn't count). Just don't go near the tablet of doom (the scale) for the time being.

    Well done on getting the kids to help with the cleaning - when you bounce back could you come train mine please? emoticon
    73 days ago
  • EISSA7
    My heart goes out to you...keep swimming! You and your doc will get this figured out. emoticon
    74 days ago
  • BOYDS27
    My ex was bipolar and I can tell you be thankful for your DH and what he also deals with. I loved my ex more than anyone could know but unfortunately his drinking fed the disease in ways no one could know and I would have died had I stayed. Prayers
    74 days ago
  • MERRILYLIFE
    Thank you for describing how you experience bipolar. My husband has a cousin that is dealing with that, and I need to understand. You are confirming exactly what she is experiencing. I am hoping your medicine kicks in and you feel better very soon!
    74 days ago
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