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It was great! Sort of!

Monday, September 02, 2019

I’ve just come home from a mini vacation with DH and my daughter, who decided to come with us at the last minute. That was lovely. It was only two days because of his dialysis, but it was worth going.

The first day was great, and the second day was a great experience - hmmm! Yes, I mean it, but I would say very interesting rather than very enjoyable! As someone has said to me, “Taking a break with a disabled hubby is an oxymoron.” I didn’t want it to show that it got wearing the second day because I wanted to put a good face on it in front of my daughter - for myself as well as for her. But anyway, she said, “You need to live your life and take your own vacation.”

So a good thing that’s come out of this is, barring a really bad situation, I’ve decided to go back to the UK for a short visit early next year for the first time in five years, or to France where my brother lives - I haven’t seen him for even more years. My next holiday needs to be a real break.

Later addition: The trip has taught me to put more effort into being more of a caregiver to myself. Striving to be a good caregiver is partly approval-seeking from him and from myself. I should already have my own approval and that should be enough.

Thank you SERENASEA! I put it back up.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I'm so glad you had a good vacation and learned that you need to also go on one that belongs only to you. It's wonderful that your daughter decided to go. I'm sure that made everything more fun and less stressful.

    A trip to your homeland and/or to France--what a wonderful thing to look forward to. I really hope you can go!
    132 days ago
    Glad you are taking your DD's advice and going to take a trip just for your own pleasure. You raised a very wise daughter!
    138 days ago
    You have a sweet Daughter. I too am glad she went with you for the two days. I hope you can see your Brother. At least you will be going somewhere so you can relax.
    138 days ago
    It really was great if you learned something you needed to know. I'm so glad to hear you're going to give yourself a break next time. And how good it was that your daughter saw how hard your lot is. Both children need to completely understand what you are called on to do - and to understand what their dad has to cope with as well.

    I think it's alright to see approval - especially form yourself - just so long as you are also able to see that it can get out of hand - and then you can choose differently. Oh la - I had forgotten this - but years and years ago when my very feeble MiL was living with us I ended up taking on most of the caregiving - all of it during the hours when I wasn't at work. At some point I had a health crisis and the doctor said no lifting over 5 lbs. AS I sat talking ... almost whining ... with a cousin about how I was going to manage to haul Mom out of bed he said "but - she has to go to a nursing home now"

    And I almost fell down in a faint. I had NEVER thought of that - but that's what happened. I nice one - but - a place where skilled, professional people, without that emotional tie, did the hard daily work and I came in to give her love.

    Wishing you every good thing, sweetie.
    138 days ago
    What a gift to have your daughter join you on that brief getaway, a gift that she could see how you try to manage on your own while staying positive, and a gift that she encouraged you to take a vacation that will truly BE a vacation. Sometimes you need to hear that from another person, and it sounds as if her comment is allowing you to give yourself permission to take that time for yourself. And I'm with WATERMELLEN: UK AND France, why not? A quick trip across the Channel.

    (I first read this yesterday and returned today to add my comments. No more photo, so I'm glad I saw it -- you are looking so good!)
    139 days ago
    Kudos for your DD laying it on the line and glad YOU are going to follow through. Caregiving is draining! No matter how you cut it, a break is a good thing!

    139 days ago
  • EISSA7
    It’s wonderful that your daughter was able to accompany you as well as give you the “permission”,...the “nudge” venture on a vacation for YOU! Firm up the plans so that you actually have it on your calendar!
    Between care-giving and working full time, you deserve a break!
    139 days ago
    Yes, I agree: addiction to the approval of others is the most insidious addiction of all according to Steve Siebold: but actually our addiction to our OWN self approval, enacting the person that I want to project I am . . . is even MORE invidious.

    I am wondering if your dear daughter proposed joining the two of you simply to help you come to that realization?

    Now I suggest no either/or: BOTH the UK and France!!
    139 days ago
    Best possible outcome! So glad you had a good time sort of!
    140 days ago
    I think it's good that your daughter went with you; perhaps it helped her understand exactly how much care-giving you are doing. I know that in Canada there are high-level retirement communities with good nursing care available which offer respite care so that caregivers can get away, knowing that their loved one is well taken care of. Is that kind of facility available near you, and would your husband agree to go there for a couple of weeks?

    I think it's great that you are planning to visit either the UK or France next year. I don't remember how close you are to retiring, but I hope that you will be able to take regular breaks.

    140 days ago
    Good for you!! emoticon
    140 days ago
    Good for you!
    And how perceptive of your daughter to see that you were not enjoying yr vacation.
    We only live once!
    140 days ago
    But anyway, she said, “You need to live your life and take your own vacation.” … Your daughter is right. emoticon

    Assisting with care for a parent on dialysis for 11 years was incredibly taxing. And, I was not the day-to-day care taker. I was for short stints. But, not the entire 11 years like the other parent. And, I am incredibly grateful that our more able-bodied parent took the advice along the lines of your daughters and visited family in the UK and US while he could still travel. I was more than happy to step in for week long stints to provide the day-to-day care.

    You've decided to visit early next year. Make it happen! emoticon

    140 days ago
    Be sure to let me know when you come to France, would love to meet up!
    140 days ago
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