Wednesday, August 28, 2019
Well, my friends I am the heaviest weight that I have been in a good five years or so. I am still nowhere near my heaviest weight, but I am starting to feel the physical effects of carrying the extra weight again. The creaky, painful knees, the tendency to get short of breath sooner and more alarmingly, the general aches and pains (and no, it’s not just the natural progression of aging... in my opinion). I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin at this weight, and not many of the clothes in my closet fit me right at this time. It is mildly depressing and utterly frustrating. But I know how and why this happened... I just have to get myself back on track doing the things that I know work for me to help me live a healthier life.
Part of the weight gain is medication related. And given my medical status at the moment they are non negotiable. But it is not all medication related. Some of it (okay, a good part of it) is the emotional eating I have been doing. I have tried limiting what groceries I buy, I have tried hiding everything but the healthiest options, I have analyzed my motivators and wants and needs... and I am still doing the emotional eating. I KNOW that the pattern will not change until I make a change within myself. It’s a choice at the most basic level whether I eat or don’t, and what I eat or don’t. That said, when I am as fragile as I am right now, and having to expend so much energy on weighty decisions (no pun intended), it becomes yet another decision on my shoulders... and I tend to go for the easiest, most emotionally soothing choice. And those easy, soothing choices tend to not be the healthier choices.
My physical activity is still pretty good, though not quite to the level I was at up to two years ago. But I still walk 5+ miles a day, do my morning stretching routine most days, and keep myself from sitting down for too long. So, most of the weight gain must be a combination of medication and diet choices. A lot of it is a matter of control. I am dealing with issues that are out of my control, and that feeling of being out of control is leaching over into my daily life. (Including my food choices).
It is time to be honest with myself, and with y’all. Sure I have still lost 100 pounds or so from my heaviest weight... but I am again in the obese category (there’s that pesky BMI)... and I had gotten down into the normal range for a number of years. Like I said before, it’s frustrating, and I am doing it to myself. No matter how encouragement and support I get from family or friends (including you, amazing sparklers) the changes won’t happen until being healthier is more important to me than soothing myself with food.
I believe I am getting there (again), until then I am going to try and mitigate the downward (or rather upward) spiral as best I can. If I can maintain my current weight for a specific amount of time (without gaining any more!), I will feel more competent to achieve my goal of re-losing this weight. Success breeds success after all. For me maintaining would be a small success. And small is a good way to get started again.
I can do this. I have to do this. I will do this. If I believe I can, and pursue my goal with that in mind there’s very little that I cannot achieve.