CROUCHINGFLEA
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Day 2/ Happy Monday!!

Monday, August 19, 2019

emoticon Loved my Spark Coach video today, and how to use concentric vs eccentric weight lifting (pulling up and lowering) to maximize your workout! I need some resistance bands! I have some in my cart on Amazon, but have not bought them yet, money is still tight. And there is so much I want to buy! But, need to wait till I can actually afford to get the bands and use what I have till then.



I like this pic and quote!! I'm tired of being weak, I want to find my strong! I got up and put on my new sports bra (thanks to all the ppl who answered my questions about which sports bra's would help the girls to stay in place!) and I think I might actually get a workout in before I wake the girls. I thought my fitbit said 0400 so I went ahead and got up... it was 0300. So I'm sitting here drinking coffee and thinking what a long day it is going to be!! I have my abdominal CT scan today and Aunt G is taking me. I don't know if she'll sit in the waiting area and talk to me the entire 2 hours I have to be there, or if she'll go shopping or something while I wait. I have to not only drink iodine for it to go through my intestines, but I also get to have it through IV. Yay. I hate the feeling it gives me, I've only done it once, but that was enough!

My emoticon didn't go as planned. I ended up with a bad migraine and drained when I planned on working out after church. I forced myself to spend time with the kids, but my head just kept getting worse and worse, especially with them constantly bickering. But, I'm up super early today, just a smidge of a migraine, and I'll have plenty of time for my coffee to settle before I workout. I'm already dressed to shoes, so why not!? Hope heard me wake up and started barking to be let out, but if I let her out she'll want to sleep the rest of the day, and we have training to do... although I will be gone for 2 hours for the CT scan... I will get her up when I work out, and she'll be in the workout room with me. I'll get her breakfast then. For some reason she has not been eating as much. I need to get her out for more exercise. Perhaps that will help. She quieted down once I started being super quiet, so hopefully she went back to sleep till I go downstairs again. She is in the basement, so her barking didn't wake anyone. I don't know what got me up and moving so early this morning, but may as well take advantage of it!!

I took a look at my to do list, after I got up from my nap to get rid of my migraine (which ended up coming back) and realized, I put way too much on myself on a daily basis, and no wonder I don't get much done! I get paralyzed with all that I expect me to do, and I don't get much done because of it. So, I'm going to start backing off and prioritizing what needs to be done. My routines that I need to work on are most important. The appointments and things I need to set up come next. Then, the rest. My goal is to have more energy so I can spend more time with my family. I need to spend all the time that they are home being available for them, and with them. Sometimes my chronic illness keeps me from doing that, and I can't stand it. I want to spend more time with them. And they need more time with us. They are struggling right now, and need us more than every. I'm going to try to get things cleaned up and set up so that we can start having set dinner times and have dinner together every day, a game day every week, we are signing up for a Bible study group, that will hopefully have kids they can chat with, we have a movie night set, and instead of me setting up the movie and letting them watch it, I'm going to watch it with them (well, most of the time, some of these days coincide with date night for DH and I and I do need to spend time with him too).

I'm still pretty depressed. I'm pushing myself to get up and do things, but I don't have the energy for it. Depression saps me. I'm still going to listen to the next Podcast by Ruth Soukup and work out and start cleaning after I finish writing this and before the kids wake up. I'm not going to let the depression beat me. I know working out will help me in the long run. I want to curl in a ball and sleep, but insomnia is tapping on my shoulder, so I would not sleep anyway, just lay there. I don't believe in 'fake it till you make it', but I do believe in pushing through if you are able. I'm not always able to, but I try.



I did find that putting on a little bit of makeup right after getting dressed and ready yesterday helped with my mood, so I'm going to try that again today. I don't put on much, but it's enough to put a little spring in my step and help me feel like I've done something nice for myself. No zippers or metal today, for the CT scan, so not happy about going out like that, but I do have clothing that meet that requirement so that I don't have to put on a hospital gown. That makes me uncomfortable even more, so, yoga pants and my old, unsupportive sports bra here I come! I'll change as soon as I get home.

I am going to go ahead and buy the book Eat That Frog by Brian Tracy and the workbook. It's a bit on the pricey side, especially since I want to get the actual book and workbook, not just the Kindle edition. I've heard such great things about it, and I could use all the help I can get!

I was all set to start finding good freezer recipes and start working on building up good recipes and get started on that to make things easier on me for cooking, and DH is opposed to freezer meals. Says he doesn't like the idea of it. What, so you'd rather the veggies and such go bad all the time in the fridge? I'm so frustrated! I know he is having a hard time and close to sinking into depression too, that is why I had him go ahead and buy a video game that he wanted that reminded him of his childhood, so he would have a way to relax, but he is still closed up in the office most of the time. I'm hoping that seeing how poorly ODD is doing right now has helped him see that we need more family time I know it has made me decide that no matter how badly my head hurts I will be downstairs with them when they come home from school and spend time with them every day and walk them through the afternoon and such. YDD has started becoming a recluse. She is either downstairs in the basement on the internet (gotta stop that, found out there are no limits on the internet down there and she has been on youtube and such), or she is hiding in her room reading or sleeping. Gotta get her out of her shell. Gotta get me out of my shell!!

I wrote out some goals yesterday. I'm going to write them out, put deadlines on them, and put them on my ToDoist. Things to work towards every day. And I just went ahead and ordered that book and workbook. I really need to work on my resources and I think it is a good investment. I'm also reading Lies Girls Believe with companion Mom Guidebook with my girls every Sunday... we may do that more frequently, they need the knowledge and the chapters aren't too long. Maybe Sundays and Wednesdays.... I'll have to check and see what they think. Need to schedule a game night for this week too.

I'm floundering. I'm praying. I'm trying my best and trying hard to remember to lean on God for strength and wisdom. I'm tired. But I know that my girls need me, so I must be strong. And less irritable. Do you know how hard it is not not be irritable when you have a teenager and pre-teen and you are constantly in pain? LOL, I laugh, but it is hard. I'm trying to get them to understand that I'm only human, and so are they, we make mistakes, we have bad days, and life happens.



I know I posted the above pic yesterday, but it is similar to one of my favorite sayings. And I've been almost paralyzed with fear. After reading Ruth Soukup's Do It Scared book, I'm slowly learning to work toward being more brave, having more courage, and working toward my goals despite the fear. I didn't even have a big goal other than losing weight before I read her book, I felt purposeless. I mean yeah, being a Mom is very important, but I wasn't doing anything for me. I know I have only so much time with my kids, but I don't need to put my life on hold till they are grown! One of those goals is to have a better relationship with my girls. There isn't a fear there, but my chronic illnesses have gotten in the way so much, I'm worried that it has affected them too much. Worrying about me is not something they should have to do.

Okay, now I'm either going to go work out or I'm going to go get another cup of coffee and work on my to do list for today and scheduling out my week so it will flow better. Depends on how I feel when I get downstairs I guess.

I hope you all have a great Monday, and a wonderful start to your work. And may the odds be ever in your favor emoticon

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~Flea




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