Time to face the music
Saturday, August 17, 2019
The last few weeks I have allowed myself to get way off track. I've always been an emotional eater, but lately I've been reminded how much of a problem it is. Circumstances in life have been a bit rough. The main problem has been trying to deal with the death of one of my preschool students, which happened almost two years ago. The trial for the guy who is accused of killing her is happening now, and my supervisor at work told me this week the district attorney had been trying to get in touch with her, presumably for one or both of us to testify. I've been trying to process those emotions on my own (terrible idea) but only ended up eating more instead of facing them. I gained more than 30 lbs in the year after she died and haven't been able to shake them since. I finally sought counseling about a month ago, so maybe I'll finally process what happened in a healthy way. On top of that, work started up a couple weeks ago, and I'll be honest - I was absolutely dreading this school year. I'd been having nightmares and bad dreams about anything related to teaching and schooling - heck, I had another one last night. My mind just doesn't seem to be convinced that this will be a good year. I've met all my students, and they started this week. They're sweet and adorable, their parents are great, and all indications seem to be pointing to a great year. I'm actually glad to be back, now. But at night, I don't want to dream. My dreams have been so bad, and there's nothing I can do about it. I wake up feeling exhausted because they are so vivid. To add to that, I found out a couple weeks ago that I have an enlarged liver, likely because of fatty deposits. Which means I should be eating super healthy and less carbs to help fix it. So what have I done with all this?
I've been eating fast food most days of the week, tons of chocolate and sugar, and basically anything else that is terrible for me. I've been literally drowning my worries and sadness in food, and while it helps for about 3 minutes, it's obviously not the answer. I've been so lazy these last few weeks. I keep meaning to eat right, to exercise, to do SOMETHING that would be considered healthy, but I keep failing. I know this can be considered simply a setback, that I need to reset and start one step at a time getting things back on track. But to be honest, I don't know if I have the heart or if I can muster up the effort to keep going. Sometimes it seems like it would be easier just to stay in this rut. I'm tired of trying and failing so many times.
I really don't want to weigh in this morning. I'm not looking forward to seeing the result of all my gluttony and laziness.
But I have to face the music and recognize the consequences for my actions. Then I need to set up an action plan to start moving forward again. One step forward even if I've taken about a thousand steps back. Gotta keep going. Can't give up.