60,000-79,999 SparkPoints 66,408

My dog, my ex, my future

Thursday, August 15, 2019

When my ex and I split, at first, I kept all three of our dogs, Lilo, Pepe, and Willow. When he was settled, he took Willow. Willow was supposed to be my dog, but she adored Chris, so it was right to let him have her.

Approximately two weeks ago, I had Pepe put to sleep. I wrote about him earlier. The vet thought he had a brain tumor or some neurological issue. I called my ex so he could say goodbye. It was the right thing to do.

Tuesday, my ex texts me and tells me to call him. He had Willow put to sleep. She had been having problems with dementia for some time. He didn't give me or my son the chance to say goodbye. I had been asking him if we could see her. I didn't even know she was having problems.

I have been miserable for the last two days. There's a lot more drama to this story, but I think I've given the gist of the story without putting all my dirty laundry out for all to see. Yesterday, I had a 4000+ calorie binge. I don't feel guilty about it. I actually enjoyed binging. I know it's destructive behavior though, so I'm trying to cope with my feelings in more helpful ways today.

The positive side to this is that I no longer have any reason to see my ex. He doesn't like my dog Lilo. He ended his relationship with my son a long time ago. (He's my son's stepfather. I was previously widowed.) My son wants nothing to do with Chris. He still spends time with my mom, but I don't need to let that bother me. (Admittedly, sometimes it does.)

I have a lot of anger, grief, and guilt to deal with. I hate that I let this man into my life. I guess I wasn't the only one fooled. Everyone at church thinks he's a saint. I haven't been to church in a long time. It's time I found a new church.

I have been overwhelmed with my emotions. I can't just ignore them or not feel them. I need to work through what I'm feeling. I actually hate the phrase "work through my feelings" because I have no idea how to do that or what it even means. Still, I know it's something I must do.

I'll spend some time looking at doggie pictures. I'll try to get together with a girlfriend or two and properly roast my ex. I'll try to forgive him. I'll keep in mind that I'm no saint either, and he probably has a lot of reasons to dislike me. I'll hug my son and Lilo even more than usual. I'll eventually get through this wave of emotions.

For now, I'll share some pictures of Willow.

Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
    "Working through" things... yeah I'm not much on that phrase either. It does take work, and it takes time, and patience, and sometimes it takes more maturity than I can muster that particular day. And forgiving him, and forgiving yourself, are both vital. It's not about whether he "deserves" to be forgiven--it's about whether YOU deserve to have to lug around that anger and bitterness and sorrow. My feeling is that you don't. But just chucking it overboard is hard. Thus--a day at a time, a step at a time. But you've got friends who are here for you.

    64 days ago
    66 days ago
    66 days ago
  • 1965KAREN
    I completely understand the anger and the pain. Rightfully so. You have been through so much. It's traumatic to love a fur baby and not be able to say goodbye, and to loose 2 in as short of weeks as you have. The betrayal your ex showed in your feelings, is probably why he became your ex a long time ago! You don't have to deal with him anymore, and for that I am grateful. We (Myself included) expect people who once cared about us, to show us some kind of respect. Some people are just creeps. They are in our past because they don't deserve to be in our life, or control our emotions any longer. Your future is up to you and you a lone. No one person has control over you and your actions, but you. And I for one, have total faith in you!! Allow yourself to grieve and turn the anger into fuel for your success! emoticon
    66 days ago
  • LIZZIE138
    I’m so sorry for your losses. Take some time for yourself & deal with your emotions. emoticon
    67 days ago
    sorry about the loss of your pets. Ex's don't deserve the bad thing we do to ourselves because of them. I refuse to let them have that much control over me anymore! Take back your control of your life and do not let him get to upset you anymore
    67 days ago
    I'm so sorry about your loss Lori. Hang in there! It's never easy.

    When I went through my divorce the counselor I was seeing suggested that I write a letter to him pouring out all of my hurt and anger over the years. I did and it really helped. I don't remember how many pages long it was but I know it was several. You don't have to give the letter to him so just let it all out. Then when you get together with your friends to roast him, burn the letter and let go all of the pain and hurt. I still haven't totally forgiven him but the pain and hurt are gone. And in the end I have found my soulmate, we've been married 8 years now and I couldn't be happier. Total opposite of my ex. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
    67 days ago
    So sorry for you loss. Prayers and hugs for you and your son.
    68 days ago
    I'm really sorry, Lori. This just stinks. I hope you get your girlfriend time soon. I'm glad that you'll have no other reason to deal with your ex again in the future. And definitely, go out and find a new church home! Don't let him keep you from that. He doesn't get to hold that much power. You're gonna be okay.
    68 days ago
    So sorry to hear you had to put your fur babe to sleep. So very unfair of our ex to not let you know about the other fur babe. Just keep on track
    68 days ago
    So very sorry, just don't completely on a big food binge.
    68 days ago
    After having to putting 2 fur babies to sleep I can understand your hurt and frustration because I was present for both my hubs was for our first Maxx but not Shadow. Me being so motherly and not being able to say good bye to them both would've been too much for me. You can't beat yourself up for how you feel but I hope you can find a support group to talk with and a new church home. Both of these are important as I had both when going through both traumatic events in my life. Be encouraged for the home, life and love you gave them because we know there are some cruel people who do cruel things to animals. So remember the good times they will be mixed with the times they either chewed up something or couldn't hold it in and you paid the price. gave them love and their response was love in return. Remember earth has NO sorrow that heaven can not heal.

    God bless & only time heals deep wounds.


    68 days ago
    I feel your anger and your frustration. You should have been able to say your good-byes and you needed closure. Try to find comfort in the wonderful memories that you must have with Willow.
    68 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.