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Depression, Suicide, and Seeking Help

Saturday, August 10, 2019

It has been 108 days since I last logged in. It was toward the beginning of May, around May 8th to be exact, since I last made my presence known on here. Shortly after that, I sank into a deep depression. One that actually caught me off guard.

I kept telling myself that I needed to go to the Crisis Center, but because I didn't have health insurance, or a job, I needed to keep going. By 5/31, I stepped away from pursuing my MBA after failing the class I was in, because I literally was no longer able to concentrate. My mind just would not function properly.

I started a new job on 6/10, and I did fine until the first Friday when I became sick to my stomach. I became so sick that I was in the ER twice the following week, with a colonoscopy being performed my 3rd Monday. They found nothing, but I was sick. Something was wrong. I couldn't function.

Finally, I received a letter from my mortgage company the Thursday after my colonoscopy stating that I owed the back payments by the end of July, or they would begin foreclosure proceedings (I had become behind due to being unemployed and unemployment being only enough to keep the utilities going and food on the table). It was at that moment that the thread I had been hanging on by snapped. My brain literally went to static. I could no longer put together any coherent thoughts. I was having a mental breakdown.

I immediately got up, put the letter in my office, grabbed my purse, and drove immediately to the crisis center. I was admitted immediately. I wanted to hurt myself. Luckily, I had no plan, because I acted immediately.

For the better part of seven days, I sat in the crisis center unable to think or process anything. I was a mess. But once things started to come together, I knew I needed to make changes in my life. I needed to sell my home, get out of the career I had been in for 13 years, and get my life back in order. I had become a mess, and I needed to make changes to get healthy.

One of the sad results of all of this is that I now weigh over 280 lbs. My scale is in a box somewhere packed away, because my house sold for almost double what I paid for it, and I have to be out before the end of the month, so I don't know the exact number right now. Being bipolar and on medications that have the known side effect of weight gain has taken its toll on my well-being.

I need to make a change for my health.

I have sleep apnea, type 2 diabetes, high cholesterol, mildly high blood pressure, arthritis, back pain, knee pain, asthma, and more. These are all due in part to weighing in at nearly 300 lbs. My mom also blames the extreme diet plan I did 3 years ago for my extreme weight gain. She thinks because I lost the weight so fast, that I doomed myself to this point. I feel like a failure at this point at any way you look at it.

So, on the 19th, I'll be going to the hospital for a seminar on the gastric sleeve surgery. My best friend from high school had it in December and is doing fabulous with it. She has been telling me the good, the bad, and the ugly about it, and yes, I'm fearful about it. Also, I would not be doing it alone, as another mutual friend of ours from high school would be going through it with me at the same time. It is always best to have a buddy to go through this type of thing as encouragement.

I'm not doing this as a cop out. Or to say that I'm cheating. I'm doing it because my health is more important to me than anything else. I can barely move right now due to the back pain just not getting better, and I keep straining muscles in my groin area, all due to the excess weight. I get winded just doing the basics. And here I used to be a beast on the elliptical just three years ago.

I no longer want to live this way.

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