Experimenting and observing..
Thursday, July 25, 2019
Yesterday, I cut way back, almost eliminating snacks. In the afternoon, post-lunch, I had what I would have called a hunger attack. But now I know, since I ate a fairly substantial lunch, I know that it was not hunger.
I felt fatigued, bored with the routineness of my job. I pick through code in a typesetting language in submitted articles for publishers of academic science/math journals. This required some training, and provides some interesting problem solving opportunities, but a lot of it is repetitive and production-oriented. I have a bachelors degree in graphic design, which I decided way long ago was a suitable way for a artist to claim a career. But I hated the field and the values it engended in the massively competitive people in it, though I did work as a production artist for many years in the Time Before Computers. So I sat at a desk, tinkering with small things and making them into larger things, with the freedom to be lost in my own thoughts. Much like my job now. Only now I have podcasts to listen to. Mindstretching, a hobby I enjoy.
When I had the hungerless attack, I felt an emptiness that was being filled by anxiety. General anxiety. Nonspecific. I think I eat to shove these feelings down. Among many other feelings that I eat to shove down, that is. And so I did eat, "free" from the daily structure of my planned snacks. I had some fruit, which led to low sugar granola, which led to a Kashi bar. Then I felt disappointed in myself. Automatic mode had set in.
So, I thought, "Well, what did you expect? Perfection on a first try?" And I thought that instead of beating myself up, I'd step back and look at what I could do the next time this occurs. Because you know we are not perfect and we need constant encouragement, always. So I rallied my Inner Adult to strategize. Next time, I will stop and acknowledge what is actually going on. Then I will take some deep breaths. Then I will drink some water. At that point, if I need to, I will eat raw vegetables or an apple. Or take a walk.
Stop. Look. Learn. I feel like I am back in the first grade. I've graduated from the kindergarten of weight loss, and I am stepping up eagerly to meet new challenges. I see gold stars magically appearing on my future report card.