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Experimenting and observing..

Thursday, July 25, 2019

Yesterday, I cut way back, almost eliminating snacks. In the afternoon, post-lunch, I had what I would have called a hunger attack. But now I know, since I ate a fairly substantial lunch, I know that it was not hunger.

I felt fatigued, bored with the routineness of my job. I pick through code in a typesetting language in submitted articles for publishers of academic science/math journals. This required some training, and provides some interesting problem solving opportunities, but a lot of it is repetitive and production-oriented. I have a bachelors degree in graphic design, which I decided way long ago was a suitable way for a artist to claim a career. But I hated the field and the values it engended in the massively competitive people in it, though I did work as a production artist for many years in the Time Before Computers. So I sat at a desk, tinkering with small things and making them into larger things, with the freedom to be lost in my own thoughts. Much like my job now. Only now I have podcasts to listen to. Mindstretching, a hobby I enjoy.

When I had the hungerless attack, I felt an emptiness that was being filled by anxiety. General anxiety. Nonspecific. I think I eat to shove these feelings down. Among many other feelings that I eat to shove down, that is. And so I did eat, "free" from the daily structure of my planned snacks. I had some fruit, which led to low sugar granola, which led to a Kashi bar. Then I felt disappointed in myself. Automatic mode had set in.

So, I thought, "Well, what did you expect? Perfection on a first try?" And I thought that instead of beating myself up, I'd step back and look at what I could do the next time this occurs. Because you know we are not perfect and we need constant encouragement, always. So I rallied my Inner Adult to strategize. Next time, I will stop and acknowledge what is actually going on. Then I will take some deep breaths. Then I will drink some water. At that point, if I need to, I will eat raw vegetables or an apple. Or take a walk.

Stop. Look. Learn. I feel like I am back in the first grade. I've graduated from the kindergarten of weight loss, and I am stepping up eagerly to meet new challenges. I see gold stars magically appearing on my future report card.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • NIGHTGLOW
    Yeeeeesssss, sister!

    Same with the binging, same with the learning to roll with it and accept the inevitability of ups and downs on the long road of our best health. I'm so proud of you!
    24 days ago
  • MOLLIEMAC
    emoticon emoticon emoticon Find as many moments during the day that you can and get away from your work station and your thoughts of food and explore something else. Maybe a short walk with a sketchbook or just your phone to capture images that you can draw later. anything that is non food and non work related. Pulling for you!!!!
    26 days ago
  • 1CRAZYDOG
    YOu've learned valuable lesson, and tha'ts great!!! Always evaluate before eating when you know it probably can't be real hunger. That's still something I work on.

    I do the apple test. If I'm not hungry enough for an apple, then I'm really not hungry. And HALT

    Is it:

    Hunger
    Anger
    Lonli
    ness
    Tiredness

    If it's anything besides hunger then food isn't going to fix it.
    27 days ago
  • CHRISTINEBWD
    I have a whole bag of organic apples that I need to start eating! I think you are on the right track! :-)
    27 days ago
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