Binges all the way down
Tuesday, July 23, 2019
I broke my fast and binged.
I'm angry and disappointed at myself.
We have been having a very bad time and some stuff turned a bit around for us and my husband said let's get pizza. Pizza is my favorite.
I planned for it. I could order thin crust, it was going to fit within my calories and I wasn't even going to break my fast much. Perfect. I can do this!
No... He wanted it as soon as they opened and he was super hungry so I was like fine, I'll break my fast. I'm still on plan no biggie. Nope. I order not just normal crust but pan pizza. I ate the entire pizza.
This put me at over 3000 calories for the day. :(
I don't even know what happened. I was eating and then 1 slice was left and I hated myself and was ashamed and that just spurred me on to get rid of it and I ate that too.
I was doing so well. And I was even doing well with controlling my binges.
It kindof makes me think about smoking. I quit what feels like a lifetime ago. A super super longtime ago. But still there is a small twinge of "I want a cigarette" still hidden down deep that pokes its head out sometimes. It never truly goes away, it just becomes a quieter voice that is easier to ignore.
I wonder if that will be the same as my binges? Once I finally break the habit part I still won't ever be truly free? It will still be there taunting me and my desire to be thin and healthy will just have to be louder than it?
It's a bit depressing and yet motivating to be strong enough to do that but I wish I had a magic wand and could just poof it into nonexistence.
I'm fasting tonight. I feel so sick from the binge I don't think I could eat anyways.
I'm just hoping I don't gain.