CROUCHINGFLEA
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Sick, Depressed, But Moving Forward!

Thursday, July 18, 2019



I want this to be me. I want to work hard for success. I'm still trying to see what success looks like for me. I know that I want to lose the weight and be in good shape, strong and flexible. But what about other aspects of my life? I'm trying to come up with my action plan for my goals, but I've no idea how long some of this will take so it is difficult. Being financially restricted as we are, it's going to be difficult.

DH has decided that for Christmas break we are going to go to NJ to visit his friend and visit NY, come hell or high water. That is going to be expensive. I know where the money is going to come from, my paycheck. But we are going to have to butt heads on this one. I won't go into it. But a lot has got to change in the money department. I just hope he understands where I'm coming from.

Sigh. emoticon I am looking forward to going to NJ and NY. I've been, but when I was younger and we went to the rural parts that look much like my town in TN, lots of cows and barns. We did go to Canada, but I barely remember it I was so young. We will actually be going to see a show on Broadway, and do all kinds of stuff, if we can manage to afford it. I'm just feeling grumpy about it because of the money situation. Money makes me anxious. Not having a back up in the savings account makes my anxiety skyrocket. I have been poor. I have been so poor I had no fridge and only two cans of food to last a whole week. I never want to go there again. And so when money gets low or we don't budget (which we have not in a long time) I get cranky and anxious. DH is an impulse buyer and has a bad habit of spending on gaming things that are useless (IMHO). I just have to get up the nerve to really talk to him about it, but right now he is so stressed at work... There are a lot of people on his team but only about 4 of them are actually doing the work, him being one of them. It is stressing him out big time. I don't want to add to his stress. Seems like there are no good options here.

I think part of this is that I'm really depressed right now. I had high hopes of coming home and hitting the ground running and instead, I was stuck in bed barely able to move. The kids used this as an excuse to do whatever they wanted. I at least got them to take out the dogs when they needed to go out, so no messes in the house (thanks to Alexa I was able to just talk to them through the devices like an intercom system, I missed it while I was on vacation, I like being able to get comfy in bed with low lights and then just say the command to have the lights turned off for me!!). I know, I'm sick and can't help it, and I need to take it easier on myself. So today I'm going to work on two 'Daily Focus Sheets', one for myself (taking it easy and only doing what I can) and one for the kids. They are in charge of dishes, cleaning their rooms, and their bathroom, as well as taking out the dogs when I'm not able. They also do their own laundry. I have a morning routine and evening routine posted on the fridge. They have done none of these things. I'm not surprised, the computer monitoring device we use was disabled, so they had free reign on the internet. So they watched things on youtube they are not allowed to. So the device is back on now, at my request to DH. They have time restrictions when it is on, but with it off, they were on the internet all day.

So, I'm going to start today with having them start our morning routine. I'm going to start today, doing as much of the routine as possible and getting them back into the habits they are supposed to be getting into (and should not have gotten out of just because we were gone a week!). I'm going to try my best to not overdo it. My health is my main goal after all. I'm not going to push to work out till I am feeling better, but my muscle ache something awful and I think stretching a few times a day is a good idea, as I'm able.

I tried listening to my motivational podcasts and I've found that just sitting here listening.... I can't do it. If I have something else I'm doing, like crocheting or walking on the treadmill, I can do it fine, but just sitting here? Nope. I need to multitask when doing this, but something that allows me to listen while doing something else.

Okay, off to work on my lists, maybe make my morning shake, and possibly try to go back to bed. I'm starting to get sleepy again. Could be the fever talking. The tylenol is in the bedroom and I don't want to make a lot of noise trying to find it and wake DH.

I hope you have a wonderful Thirsty Thursday!! emoticon emoticon

~Flea
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • LITTLEGUYSMOM1
    emoticon Hoping you start feeling better soon. Praying over your financial situation.
    37 days ago
  • SIMPLY_JAE
    You are in a rough place for sure. I deal with depression and have for years..I was always a glass half empty kind of person.. Being positive was not my strong suit...After years of therapy and finding positive people to be around.. Like some of my Spark friends.. I am doing better.. I am trying the fake it till you make it approach.some days it works other days not so much. If you need to talk send me a Sparkmail.. i would like to support you.
    37 days ago
  • DYMONDCLAY
    True
    37 days ago
  • SLIVERBULLET
    Stay positive
    37 days ago
  • PLCHAPPELL
    Stay positive
    37 days ago
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