July 10th, 2019: THAT SWITCH IN MY BRAIN
Wednesday, July 10, 2019
Today's blog was supposed to be about how wonderful my vacation was. And it WAS! And I will post about that and the wonderful pictures that I took. But something has been weighing more heavily on my mind and I'm not sure how to fix it - so I will at least talk about it.
Every morning I wake up strong. I have a new resolve. I have my day planned out. I eat a healthy breakfast. I start my at-home customer service job welcoming people to their new policies. I start a load of laundry, wash a couple of dishes, straighten up things with the couple of minutes between calls. Sometimes (like now) I come to Spark. Listen to worship music. I eat a healthy, filling lunch. Drink my water. Sometimes do some stretches, yoga poses, lift some light weights. I'm happy and positive and life is all good.
Then at some point around 230, 3, 330-ish it's like something switches off in my brain. My mood turns sour. I start fighting with myself. That walk in the woods that sounded SO GOOD this morning? Nah - probably not gonna go. Going to the store to pick up some fresh veggies? Too tired. I think I'll just nap after work.
By the time I sign off from work at 430 I'm ready to dial the # for pizza or send my daughter to the store for ice cream. Or both. A majority of evenings lately I'm binge-ing. I'm staying in bed and watching t.v. I'm miserable. I HATE myself and my lack of willpower - or lack of - well - hate my LACK. My weakness.
After the binge I just hate myself. My stomach is overfull and I feel terrible and I lay in bed all night watching television. It's sad. It's disgusting. It's ME.
Then I wake up and start all over again. Every day I tell myself I won't binge at night. And maybe I won't. For a day. Maybe 3 or even 4. Sometimes I go months - but I always go back.
I went with my sister to an AA meeting a couple of times - and the descriptions people have of their alcohol cravings and their habits - I could relate to everything - just replace alcohol with food. It's my addiction. Whether you believe that or not - there isn't a person alive who could convince me otherwise. I am completely addicted to food and binge-ing and the self-hatred that comes with it.
It's 10 a.m. and I'm feeling strong right now. I'm feeling like going to the grocery store after work. Maybe exercising. Will I feel this way at 4 p.m.? It's anybody's guess.