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July 10th, 2019: THAT SWITCH IN MY BRAIN

Wednesday, July 10, 2019

Today's blog was supposed to be about how wonderful my vacation was. And it WAS! And I will post about that and the wonderful pictures that I took. But something has been weighing more heavily on my mind and I'm not sure how to fix it - so I will at least talk about it.

Every morning I wake up strong. I have a new resolve. I have my day planned out. I eat a healthy breakfast. I start my at-home customer service job welcoming people to their new policies. I start a load of laundry, wash a couple of dishes, straighten up things with the couple of minutes between calls. Sometimes (like now) I come to Spark. Listen to worship music. I eat a healthy, filling lunch. Drink my water. Sometimes do some stretches, yoga poses, lift some light weights. I'm happy and positive and life is all good.

Then at some point around 230, 3, 330-ish it's like something switches off in my brain. My mood turns sour. I start fighting with myself. That walk in the woods that sounded SO GOOD this morning? Nah - probably not gonna go. Going to the store to pick up some fresh veggies? Too tired. I think I'll just nap after work.

By the time I sign off from work at 430 I'm ready to dial the # for pizza or send my daughter to the store for ice cream. Or both. A majority of evenings lately I'm binge-ing. I'm staying in bed and watching t.v. I'm miserable. I HATE myself and my lack of willpower - or lack of - well - hate my LACK. My weakness.

After the binge I just hate myself. My stomach is overfull and I feel terrible and I lay in bed all night watching television. It's sad. It's disgusting. It's ME.

Then I wake up and start all over again. Every day I tell myself I won't binge at night. And maybe I won't. For a day. Maybe 3 or even 4. Sometimes I go months - but I always go back.

I went with my sister to an AA meeting a couple of times - and the descriptions people have of their alcohol cravings and their habits - I could relate to everything - just replace alcohol with food. It's my addiction. Whether you believe that or not - there isn't a person alive who could convince me otherwise. I am completely addicted to food and binge-ing and the self-hatred that comes with it.

It's 10 a.m. and I'm feeling strong right now. I'm feeling like going to the grocery store after work. Maybe exercising. Will I feel this way at 4 p.m.? It's anybody's guess.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Sherry, don't beat yourself up so much.. we all have been there, and sometimes it's a roller coaster ride.. and you are right, food addiction is just like alcohol or any other addiction. We must lean on the Lord because He is the one who can help us through it.. and the more we can read the Word of God and apply it .. it's not how many chapters we read, it's the quality of what we read and meditate on it that seems to help me.. I have found that the more time I spend reading the Word, writing Scripture down, seems to help more than anything I have tried.. Just don't give up because it takes courage to get up and keep on going , and I know you can have Victory through Jesus Christ.. He is the one who will bring you through to Victory..

    Have a Blessed Evening ..

    Hugs and Prayers,
    38 days ago
    Have you gone to OA (Overeaters Anonymous)? It is based on AA but for food addiction. Your story sounds so much like mine a year and half ago. I've been in recovery for over a year, and I no longer hate myself, binge my is full in a way I never dreamed possible.

    If you want to know more, e-mail me and/or check out our Spark page. You are not alone there are many of us who suffer from this addiction.
    44 days ago
    I feel your pain, I'm in the same boat. I'm good for a while then everything falls apart. I always try to find the why... Is it too hot outside, am I depressed? what am i depressed about yadda yadda. Wish I had an answer to fix it, if I did I would be fixed too.
    Love yourself and have compassion for yourself - that's what my threapist tells me.
    Best Wishes!
    44 days ago
    If you are following a plan before 2 p.m., can you write out other goals for the afternoon and evening? emoticon If you don't go to the store for food after work, when do you go? Surely you can buy the fresh vegetables emoticon whenever you do go. You have a refrigerator, right? If you need to be very specific in the steps in your plan and not buy foods that could possibly be used for bingeing. Can you get your daughter to help with the accountability, rather than be the go-fer for ice cream? emoticon
    44 days ago
    Been there. Done that. Any chance you could get a little walk in before work? Are you getting enough protein mid-day? Plan a 10 min walk in with lunch? Don't give up!
    44 days ago
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