Tuesday, July 09, 2019
I recently admitted to my doctor...and to myself...that I am struggling with binge eating. And no, for those of you who think that means I throw up to lose weight, that's uncontrollable eating until you are so full that you make yourself sick. I have been seeing my doctor every couple months or so discussing my feelings about this and how I want to be healthy, but don't know how to control the urge to eat.
We tried an ADHD drug that is also used for Binge eaters with no success. All I felt was overly stimulated and jumpy to the point that it showed in my work. I don't like feeling like a tornado.
She asked me one day if I ever had feelings of Anxiety. I fell apart.
I realized that even at that moment while I was sitting in that little room with a doctor that I have come to trust so much I was Anxious about everything. About Nothing, about...What?
I always took note of when My daughter was having a panic attack and took care of her... I never noticed that I too was having panic attacks only on a slightly smaller scale. Too much noise, overwhelming amounts of work, people not doing what they are supposed to and leaving it all for me...so many triggers.
As a result I would eat. No, that's not quite true. I would hide and eat. anything and everything. a whole loaf of bread, leftovers entire boxes of Mac and Cheese, bags of chocolate chips with a jar of peanut butter.
Now I am 8 weeks in to trying to level out the chemicals in my brain that deal with anxiety and stress and I have been feeling better. I don't get quite as stressed and anxious about home. Although the goal is to start doing things that I love, I have so many things to catch up on that I am still finding the balance of love and need.
Is it weird that I mow the lawn because I have to, but I actually like doing it because I get a sense of accomplishment? I did that and it looks pretty darn good.
Amazing what the feeling of accomplishment without stress does for you.
Don't get me wrong. Stress is still a factor and Anxiety still lurks in the background, but there are fewer attacks and more peace. Not to mention less eating and better choices during the day.
So, I am getting better and can't wait to see what I can accomplish tomorrow.